Going Mental

There was a time, not too long ago during this pandemic, I felt tired mentally and physically. I didn't rest well and nothing seems to get done. There were always things to do. A forever loop.

The worst was that all these happening, and I felt suicidal. Not out of sadness, but out of spite. The thought of me dead, making my husband feeling that he should've appreciated me more when I'm alive, grew stronger and more sinister. But, with religion in me, I knew that isn't the right thing, so obviously I wouldn't do it, but still, just having the thought of it isn't healthy.

I lowkey reached out for help by tweeting about it, in the hope someone will reach out to me with a solution. Twitter is the only social media I have that I pour out my feelings since it's quite discreet from a lot of I know, other than this blog.

Someone did reach out and gave me a contact to a therapist. It's good that we've come to an age that mental health awareness is a norm and not seen as problematic. Everybody has problems they want to address. So, I made a call to set up an appointment, but the therapist wanted to know what she's getting into and what's my current situation.

She mentioned that this had something to do with my recent birth (postpartum depression) and current pandemic lockdown. There's just no space for me to ease my mind. Along with the conversation, I cried uncontrollably. I couldn't hide it. My husband saw me crying, then.

After the call, he demanded to know what's going on. It took me time and guts to express my deep emotions. He was shocked and angry. How dare I tell this all to a stranger?? He felt ashamed and that our marriage is broken. I didn't mean it that way but it could be that if I don't seek help now. He still frets about how could I talk to strangers about this rather than directly to him. I said, frankly, it has been too many times he just shove my feelings aside and said I overreacted. I rather talk to a professional stranger that can assess my situation, rather than talk to the person affected with uncontrolled emotions. To that, we WISELY agreed.

Before our appointment came, the CMCO started and cross-district isn't allowed. So, the appointment was canceled instead of rescheduled because Allah knows when this is going to end. I was still determined to get to the appointment until I was the changes in the household, well my husband, at least. He seemed much more understanding and helps around without being asked or delay too long, which is nice.

The changes he made, made all the nonsense thoughts of spite and suicide gone. I'm more appreciative and felt loved. He even gave me a me-time the other day, walk and dine in at a mall with my bestie.

What I'm trying to convey here is, get help when help is needed. 'Fraid not of judgment and anger, because YOU MATTER. Try to solve problems with the right people. Address and assess because, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people that need you ALIVE.