Mak Turut

 Everybody knows.

My father was one of the greatest filmmakers in the industry in Malaysia. (not bragging)

I only got to witness him in stardom as his "struggling" artist phase was far before I was born.

I was brought up in the shadow of a glamorous lifestyle. Celebrities and known artists came to our house, I spent time at the filming location and practically grew up surrounded by film crews and stars. I was also around watching and listening in during meetings and script readings. 

But, I didn't absorb much of my father's creative flame and love for new discoveries. I shy away, hoping someone noticed me, wishing I could be in that world, but I often shy away. ruginya lahai...

I dare to say, I have many creative skills, and I often learn quickly on the go. But I feel that's my limit.

a FATHER, who's well known, and well versed in the creative world, only to have a DAUGHTER who's just an executor. I can only realize what visions others have, but hardly my own. Even if I have, it's hardly significant.

Alas, I married also to a man, so talented and well respected in the Design world, and again, I execute...

Is it that bad? No. Then why? I dunno... With all the expectations from people around me since young, I feel like I let them down. I'm in my mid-30s and have yet to have my name in the media about my accomplishments. Was it a target in the first place? No, but...

Until now, I'm a great nothing. I'm good at things, but not great.

Hahaha... I feel like I'm just complaining. I'm actually am.

What's Happening with Change?

    I'm changing... spiritually, and religiously. And I'm thankful from the bottom of my heart that Allah gave me the chance to repent and start praying. At the old age of 34, since last Ramadan, I started praying. Took the advantage of Syaitan tied up in Jahannam, not tempting to stray me away.

    I listened more to Mufti Menk. Actually, it started with him. His TikTok video crossed my feed, saying, Allah loves me, no matter how much I wasted my youth, what I've done. Do what we need to do to deserve that love. Just having that video crosses my life, is proof that Allah still opening his arms, beaconing me to return to the right path.

    So I start with the very basics. 5 times a day. It was difficult, but the phrase, no matter what we did, as long as we pray 5 times, we'll die a Muslim, because that is our pillar. I did as much as I could. Every time I felt too lazy to pray, I feared that I may die suddenly that very day, such a waste to lose to laziness.

This post is not about preaching, btw. It's about change.

    I often thought about my life, my very being just 5 years ago, 10 years ago even, almost nothing of that time remained on my being. There was a time when I felt dependent, lost of identity, anxious, and slipping out the essence of myself. But after some pondering time, I thought, maybe it's for the better. I am not ALL gone, but I kept what mattered to me most, my optimism, my love for family, and my friendships with the few people who are still around. I Marie Kondo myself, safe to say.

    If I insist on keeping useless things in my life, I might never reach enlightenment and peace. Sure, the lack of a job and loss of motivation to work kinda hit me in the brain, but I feel that it's not the worst thing. I found an abundance of time to raise my kids, and actually have time to be present. Also, I found myself asking, why am I missing prayers all the while I'm a SAHM? I don't have any deadlines to catch, and I'm in the most comfortable state, wearing home clothes, and no makeup. I can take wuduk anytime without touching up makeup, those kinds of small things (Comfort is my no1 priority).

    I wanna say I'm at peace, but I'm not, though I am halfway there. My children are still very young and I'm still very dependent on hubster. But, the kids are growing and soon (Like very soon) they'll be out of home most hours of the day due to school and I'll be freelancing as my husband insists I do (I am quite free by then, hubby also says it's a waste of my creative talent and degree if I just laze around XD), So, I'll be up and busy too soon ;p

Eldest Daughter

 I live a normal harmonious life with my loving husband and 2 wonderful blessings of boys, and hope it maintains this way.

But somewhere deep inside, I get anxious whenever I hear my husband raised his voice to our kids, not even scolding them at times, but simply calling them in a stern voice, or when he comes home from work, and he’s right at the door, I often scamper about, fake busying or hide in the room, unconciously. It doesn’t matter if i just got time to rest and lay about in my already cleaned home, I instinctivly do this. Mind you, my husband couldn’t careless what I do, as long as the house is still in one piece.

Why I do this, is often out of fear that he’d scold me for lazing about, or degrade me that I’m useless, which NEVER happens.

I’m sorry to say, but growing up, this was what I had to endure, because I’m the eldest and has to bear the responsibility of setting good example or whatever. I can never get caught lounging around or risk getting scolded for reasons I cannot comprehend. I was shouted at as lazy for taking short breaks after helping guests on raya, infront of people. Even after I’ve done with chores, they called me because they thought I’ve haven’t done, but found out that I had, but didn’t want to admit that they were wrong, they made me do it again. My door knob would get turned around because I locked myself in the room too much, and family members would just barge in my room whenever they pleased, and sometimes, my young siblings would play pranks and locked me in my room. No privacy but apparently I myself to blame, but when my brother did it, locking himself in his room for hours, it’s ok, because he’s a guy, and needs privacy. 

I’m not bashing my parents’ parenting skills, coz no person in the world are perfect. But never once I was apologized to even when they’ve misunderstood me or done me wrong, because “Parent must never apologize to children first”. It’s a real quote I was told to.

My siblings get away with alot of things, they could rebel, play jokes with them and just do as they with little to no consequenses. It’s unfair, but I was brought up timid and scared of disapprovals and discontentment. 

So now, whenever I hear my husband raised voice, I would get up and do unnessesary things, and when I snapped out of it, I cried in my heart, asking, why am I doing this?. There’s so many times, whenever I hear my husband foot steps, I had to stiffen myself to stay put and not panic, and nothing would happen obviously. He would just come for favours or snuggles. But there are other times when I unconsiously just ran I hide, then sadly laughed at myself for looking like a fool.

My parenting isn’t perfect, but I’m happy that my kids can still carefreely come up to their parents, asking or telling trivial things. I’m snappy and abit of a tigermom, but it’ll break my heart if my kids would ever try to hide from their parents out of fear or judgement.

Being strict and rightful is nessesary in parenting, but never in the expense of the children’s mental health.

Going Mental

There was a time, not too long ago during this pandemic, I felt tired mentally and physically. I didn't rest well and nothing seems to get done. There were always things to do. A forever loop.

The worst was that all these happening, and I felt suicidal. Not out of sadness, but out of spite. The thought of me dead, making my husband feeling that he should've appreciated me more when I'm alive, grew stronger and more sinister. But, with religion in me, I knew that isn't the right thing, so obviously I wouldn't do it, but still, just having the thought of it isn't healthy.

I lowkey reached out for help by tweeting about it, in the hope someone will reach out to me with a solution. Twitter is the only social media I have that I pour out my feelings since it's quite discreet from a lot of I know, other than this blog.

Someone did reach out and gave me a contact to a therapist. It's good that we've come to an age that mental health awareness is a norm and not seen as problematic. Everybody has problems they want to address. So, I made a call to set up an appointment, but the therapist wanted to know what she's getting into and what's my current situation.

She mentioned that this had something to do with my recent birth (postpartum depression) and current pandemic lockdown. There's just no space for me to ease my mind. Along with the conversation, I cried uncontrollably. I couldn't hide it. My husband saw me crying, then.

After the call, he demanded to know what's going on. It took me time and guts to express my deep emotions. He was shocked and angry. How dare I tell this all to a stranger?? He felt ashamed and that our marriage is broken. I didn't mean it that way but it could be that if I don't seek help now. He still frets about how could I talk to strangers about this rather than directly to him. I said, frankly, it has been too many times he just shove my feelings aside and said I overreacted. I rather talk to a professional stranger that can assess my situation, rather than talk to the person affected with uncontrolled emotions. To that, we WISELY agreed.

Before our appointment came, the CMCO started and cross-district isn't allowed. So, the appointment was canceled instead of rescheduled because Allah knows when this is going to end. I was still determined to get to the appointment until I was the changes in the household, well my husband, at least. He seemed much more understanding and helps around without being asked or delay too long, which is nice.

The changes he made, made all the nonsense thoughts of spite and suicide gone. I'm more appreciative and felt loved. He even gave me a me-time the other day, walk and dine in at a mall with my bestie.

What I'm trying to convey here is, get help when help is needed. 'Fraid not of judgment and anger, because YOU MATTER. Try to solve problems with the right people. Address and assess because, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people that need you ALIVE.

Am I Lazy or Burnt Out?

 Of late, my house is almost never as clean and tidy as it used to. Understood, with 2 kids, that seems like an impossible task (toys EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME).

But the matter got worst when I myself am very tired and burnt out all the time. This MCO really got the heck out of me. I cannot escape the house, kids, husband, work, and of course, clutter.

I should be grateful that during this trying pandemic, I'm blessed with a roof over my head, warm food on the table, and a loving family around me, but not being able to even have a short escape to be with myself, really taken a toll on my mental health. 

Every day, even before the day starts, I've already felt dreaded and tired. I wake up right before my time for work, even when the kids woke up hours before. It's a good thing, I managed their room so they have their own safe space to play, but they'd eventually come to me for breakfast. Hubby recently took up the role, and help the kids with what they need in the morning, milk, food, iPad, diaper change, and tried his best not the bother me. He even went out for a breakfast run and came back home with nasi lemak occasionally. Thank you, love.

But men being men, there's a lot of things that they don't understand about household duties, and of course, I have to do my part of keeping the house in check. Even though we're both working, he's still the breadwinner, and being the low-income person in the house, I took priority of taking care of the rest other than my work. I mean, the kids are still so young. One of us needs to step up for them. Maternal instinct I supposed.

Even so, I find myself neglecting everything and everyone, what we didn't need before, we need now, like a monthly house cleaner. I keep delaying chores, leaving both dirty and clean laundry, and only does them when they have piled up. I'm talking 2 weeks' worth! I also started to leave floor spots where if it is difficult to vacuum or wipe, I'd just leave it, especially under the bed and stove. Imagine the dust. I sometimes would leave the garbage pile up until flies and maggots starts to infest. Of course, when that happens, I would go and throw out the garbage before it affects our other foods. Every night after dinner, I would clean the house before we settle down, meaning clean kitchen, empty sink, cleared dining table, and uncluttered living room, but now, I wouldn't even bother to do it all and just sleep.

I did try to play games to relax. I play Genshin Impact almost every night, but lately, I just wanna scroll TikTok and I don't even watch them. Just empty gaze.

Also, I love my job. Been out of the work industry for 3 years, of course, I'm happy with my job. I was so happy when I have a 2nd life at the office, other than being a mom/wife. Adults having expectations and rely on me for work, it's nice. Even when the MCO started last year, I was still ok, vibing being a Work From Home Mom, having a laugh. But now, I don't feel it anymore. Managing the family and catching deadlines really drained my time and creative juice. I don't even have the mood to do my hobbies. Just day in day out routine over and over again, every day. Even the weekends feel empty. I've run out of initiatives. I'm just tired of everything.

I know what I should do if this happens, but because of this stupid pandemic, I can't. The simplest thing I could do was to spend the whole day out by myself, leaving kids with hubby at home. Not even meeting friends, just by myself. Watch a movie or hang at a cafe or when to a random event somewhere. The best is to go for a vacation, where even if the place is cluttered, I wouldn't even care.. not my house ma... a change of environment la, loosely speaking.

So, am I just lazy and making up excuses to not do stuff or any I actually burnt out?

Young Love

 Frankly,

When I was a young high schooler, I wasn't really interested in love. Sure, I have few crushes here and there, but even with my 1st boyfriend, I wasn't really into it.

I was always that otaku girl, reading comics and loving anime, and into collecting toys. Eventho, the comic genre I was into was school-love, I can't really shift that into reality.

The topic came up as I was scrolling TikTok and watched few vids of people's heartbreaking experiences in young love, typically between 14 to 18. It got me thinking how unappreciative of me to miss out on this, but I'm not sorry.

Other than my relationship with my husband, all my relationships rarely pass the 3rd month, and the problem was always me. I didn't cheat, I didn't like anybody else, I just lose interest in committing the relationship. It was all weird and fluffy in the beginning, then it turns into a routine, and so many rules and clinginess. It was boring that I have to entertain someone just because.

I think part of it is because I was an introvert, and I like my time alone. I'm not the gloomy, depressing indoor hermit type, it's just that 60 to 70% of my day, I like to indulge myself in my own little corner undisturbed. I love daydreaming and drawing, but I needed to sacrifice some of my personal time to date, love, and be a girlfriend when there's a relationship.

I was already crushing on my husband back before we were an item, but never to sacrifice my personal time, but with him, I didn't need to, instead, we SHARE interest. I was able to merge my world together with his, instead of dividing.

The point is, every time I watch or listen to stories of young high school love, I feel left out and a little bit of me regretted it. I wish to go back to the past and tweak some tiny episodes, just so that I would have some stories to reminisce. 

COVID-19 and I

 END OF MAY 2021

Mika's school headteacher informed us that one of the teachers was POSITIVE COVID-19, so on that very same day, I rushed my whole family to the nearest COVID-19 test station and get our PCR test checked. We were told that results would come after 24hrs.

It wasn't even 24hrs yet when I got an email with the test results. I was concerned as it was only Mika's results that had arrived 1st for the first half-hour.

Mika was tested POSITIVE COVID-19.

I was devastated, panicked, and heartbroken. My baby was in danger and I cannot be near him, as Aqil still needs me. After a short discussion with hubby that night, we've decided that he would be the one taking care of Mika, while I keep my distance from him for his baby brother's sake. Only Allah knows how terrifying all these were for us. The next night, Mika was down with fever in his sleep, a low fever. I applied my essential oils on him, cold meds, wet towels and observes him the whole night. He's fine and chirpy the next morning like nothing happened.

I notify the school VIA Whatsapp and a couple more of Mika's schoolmates informed the group of the same POSITIVE results. The headteacher took responsibility to call the authorities for us, so nobody gets left behind, as most of us have no idea how to proceed with this. We were soon known as a school cluster in the news.

Soon the PKD called us to get diagnosed and swabbed again, and to received our pink quarantine bands. We were asked we had any symptoms and if we need to get admitted to the hospital or quarantine center. I prayed that Mika wouldn't get sent to the CAC alone since he's the only one POSITIVE, but with further questions and diagnosis, he was allowed to be quarantined at home.

Mika was isolated inside his room. Food and Ipad all, but it took him 3 days to get bored of it all. He felt lonely, and repeatedly requests for hugs. It was painful for us to endure this.

Not long after all this commotion, I started to notice something lacking. I wasn't as alert and was always tired. My 2nd swab test from the PKD came out negative, but it seems like something wasn't right. One night, I made salmon dinner but I couldn't taste it. I couldn't smell it. A whole whiff of nothing, even when the newly cooked fish was under my nose.

Hubby, Aqil, and I were on our 3rd swab test. Soon after, I had a call, saying that MY TEST CAME OUT POSITIVE. I lost my taste and smell. I felt ill and was down with chills and fever. I was tired and aching. Nothing was right. But, one thing I was happy about, I get hug my baby Mika.

Our quarantine was extended and it was a tiring journey of avoiding my baby and husband and keeping minimal contact with anything so we don't contaminate anything. On the bright side, I don't feel as sick and the ill-feeling all happened for only 1 night. Also, I got to rest from doing house chores, but I still have to work, since being quarantined was so boring, and I had nothing to do.

Our friends and family all reached out to us, extending their concerns, and sent us food and gifts. It was really a touching moment, especially from my grandma, who sent us a bundle of kitchen essentials, like a bag of rice, cooking oil, snacks, frozen food, fruits, and toys! TWICE! I LOVE YOU LAHHH, NENEK BONDA!!

After almost 4 weeks of home isolation, we went out to cut our pink band. Only Mika and I contracted COVID-19 and we were lucky to only get minimal symptoms, so now we're temporarily immune for the next 3 months, or so they say. Even after all this, we still only stayed home and only go out for essential things. Only Allah knows how scared we were when we got it, and we were lucky to lose only taste and smell, cause we wouldn't know if we'd get this lucky next time.