Eldest Daughter

 I live a normal harmonious life with my loving husband and 2 wonderful blessings of boys, and hope it maintains this way.

But somewhere deep inside, I get anxious whenever I hear my husband raised his voice to our kids, not even scolding them at times, but simply calling them in a stern voice, or when he comes home from work, and he’s right at the door, I often scamper about, fake busying or hide in the room, unconciously. It doesn’t matter if i just got time to rest and lay about in my already cleaned home, I instinctivly do this. Mind you, my husband couldn’t careless what I do, as long as the house is still in one piece.

Why I do this, is often out of fear that he’d scold me for lazing about, or degrade me that I’m useless, which NEVER happens.

I’m sorry to say, but growing up, this was what I had to endure, because I’m the eldest and has to bear the responsibility of setting good example or whatever. I can never get caught lounging around or risk getting scolded for reasons I cannot comprehend. I was shouted at as lazy for taking short breaks after helping guests on raya, infront of people. Even after I’ve done with chores, they called me because they thought I’ve haven’t done, but found out that I had, but didn’t want to admit that they were wrong, they made me do it again. My door knob would get turned around because I locked myself in the room too much, and family members would just barge in my room whenever they pleased, and sometimes, my young siblings would play pranks and locked me in my room. No privacy but apparently I myself to blame, but when my brother did it, locking himself in his room for hours, it’s ok, because he’s a guy, and needs privacy. 

I’m not bashing my parents’ parenting skills, coz no person in the world are perfect. But never once I was apologized to even when they’ve misunderstood me or done me wrong, because “Parent must never apologize to children first”. It’s a real quote I was told to.

My siblings get away with alot of things, they could rebel, play jokes with them and just do as they with little to no consequenses. It’s unfair, but I was brought up timid and scared of disapprovals and discontentment. 

So now, whenever I hear my husband raised voice, I would get up and do unnessesary things, and when I snapped out of it, I cried in my heart, asking, why am I doing this?. There’s so many times, whenever I hear my husband foot steps, I had to stiffen myself to stay put and not panic, and nothing would happen obviously. He would just come for favours or snuggles. But there are other times when I unconsiously just ran I hide, then sadly laughed at myself for looking like a fool.

My parenting isn’t perfect, but I’m happy that my kids can still carefreely come up to their parents, asking or telling trivial things. I’m snappy and abit of a tigermom, but it’ll break my heart if my kids would ever try to hide from their parents out of fear or judgement.

Being strict and rightful is nessesary in parenting, but never in the expense of the children’s mental health.

Am I Lazy or Burnt Out?

 Of late, my house is almost never as clean and tidy as it used to. Understood, with 2 kids, that seems like an impossible task (toys EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME).

But the matter got worst when I myself am very tired and burnt out all the time. This MCO really got the heck out of me. I cannot escape the house, kids, husband, work, and of course, clutter.

I should be grateful that during this trying pandemic, I'm blessed with a roof over my head, warm food on the table, and a loving family around me, but not being able to even have a short escape to be with myself, really taken a toll on my mental health. 

Every day, even before the day starts, I've already felt dreaded and tired. I wake up right before my time for work, even when the kids woke up hours before. It's a good thing, I managed their room so they have their own safe space to play, but they'd eventually come to me for breakfast. Hubby recently took up the role, and help the kids with what they need in the morning, milk, food, iPad, diaper change, and tried his best not the bother me. He even went out for a breakfast run and came back home with nasi lemak occasionally. Thank you, love.

But men being men, there's a lot of things that they don't understand about household duties, and of course, I have to do my part of keeping the house in check. Even though we're both working, he's still the breadwinner, and being the low-income person in the house, I took priority of taking care of the rest other than my work. I mean, the kids are still so young. One of us needs to step up for them. Maternal instinct I supposed.

Even so, I find myself neglecting everything and everyone, what we didn't need before, we need now, like a monthly house cleaner. I keep delaying chores, leaving both dirty and clean laundry, and only does them when they have piled up. I'm talking 2 weeks' worth! I also started to leave floor spots where if it is difficult to vacuum or wipe, I'd just leave it, especially under the bed and stove. Imagine the dust. I sometimes would leave the garbage pile up until flies and maggots starts to infest. Of course, when that happens, I would go and throw out the garbage before it affects our other foods. Every night after dinner, I would clean the house before we settle down, meaning clean kitchen, empty sink, cleared dining table, and uncluttered living room, but now, I wouldn't even bother to do it all and just sleep.

I did try to play games to relax. I play Genshin Impact almost every night, but lately, I just wanna scroll TikTok and I don't even watch them. Just empty gaze.

Also, I love my job. Been out of the work industry for 3 years, of course, I'm happy with my job. I was so happy when I have a 2nd life at the office, other than being a mom/wife. Adults having expectations and rely on me for work, it's nice. Even when the MCO started last year, I was still ok, vibing being a Work From Home Mom, having a laugh. But now, I don't feel it anymore. Managing the family and catching deadlines really drained my time and creative juice. I don't even have the mood to do my hobbies. Just day in day out routine over and over again, every day. Even the weekends feel empty. I've run out of initiatives. I'm just tired of everything.

I know what I should do if this happens, but because of this stupid pandemic, I can't. The simplest thing I could do was to spend the whole day out by myself, leaving kids with hubby at home. Not even meeting friends, just by myself. Watch a movie or hang at a cafe or when to a random event somewhere. The best is to go for a vacation, where even if the place is cluttered, I wouldn't even care.. not my house ma... a change of environment la, loosely speaking.

So, am I just lazy and making up excuses to not do stuff or any I actually burnt out?

Young Love

 Frankly,

When I was a young high schooler, I wasn't really interested in love. Sure, I have few crushes here and there, but even with my 1st boyfriend, I wasn't really into it.

I was always that otaku girl, reading comics and loving anime, and into collecting toys. Eventho, the comic genre I was into was school-love, I can't really shift that into reality.

The topic came up as I was scrolling TikTok and watched few vids of people's heartbreaking experiences in young love, typically between 14 to 18. It got me thinking how unappreciative of me to miss out on this, but I'm not sorry.

Other than my relationship with my husband, all my relationships rarely pass the 3rd month, and the problem was always me. I didn't cheat, I didn't like anybody else, I just lose interest in committing the relationship. It was all weird and fluffy in the beginning, then it turns into a routine, and so many rules and clinginess. It was boring that I have to entertain someone just because.

I think part of it is because I was an introvert, and I like my time alone. I'm not the gloomy, depressing indoor hermit type, it's just that 60 to 70% of my day, I like to indulge myself in my own little corner undisturbed. I love daydreaming and drawing, but I needed to sacrifice some of my personal time to date, love, and be a girlfriend when there's a relationship.

I was already crushing on my husband back before we were an item, but never to sacrifice my personal time, but with him, I didn't need to, instead, we SHARE interest. I was able to merge my world together with his, instead of dividing.

The point is, every time I watch or listen to stories of young high school love, I feel left out and a little bit of me regretted it. I wish to go back to the past and tweak some tiny episodes, just so that I would have some stories to reminisce. 

New Home

Alhamdulillah,

Our small family's rezeki.

Bought a home for the future.

Things can be scary now,

but we'll work hard to get things through.

In Syaa Allah

Mika Uthman's 1st Year

Fun Fact:

Most of these footages are Mika's first everything,

etc:-

first commando crawl

first crawl

first lemon

first ferry ride

first announcement

pretty basic stuff,

but as a new parent, 

every single milestone count!

MikaOne

My baby boy turns 1!

Can't believe it has been a year already.

Things went up and down for sure,

but overall, I think it mostly went up for us new parents.

Seeing this human being that we managed to bring out into the world,

to feed, nurture, play and share many things,

is both sad yet beautiful experience,

for every blink, every hug, every snuggle, and tickle,

he grows,

stronger, braver and independent.

it aches my heart,

as much as it makes me glad to see him advancing.

I quit my job, to be a full-time SAHM,

just so I don't miss out any of his milestones.

He learned to salam, to wave bye-bye, to snuggle when asked.

He makes more expressions and impressions.

He has teeth now, and he grins wider than ever.

My baby boy, even when you're 10, 20, 40 or even 75.

I'll always remember you as a wee little boy,

grinning ever so wide, so carefree and full of love.

Ibu and Babah loves you so much.

Mueez and Mateen, too.

p.s: Ibu nak nangis typing blog entry ni.

Tapi babah kaw ni, kuat sgt lak dia gelak2 main GTAv dgn Pak Ngah Rezza kaw... spoil... 

why now la??

now Mika dah 8 bulan..

tetiba kan..

hati kuat je gendang2,

"best nya, bila next dapat baby girl? 

boleh pakai bows and dresses."

*snap to reality*

what the heck was that? 

another baby so soon for me?

trauma beranak pun tak habis lg.

tak yah cerita lah trauma topet tengok aku bersalin.

__________________________________________

maybe when Mika's a lil older lah.

Maybe 3 yo, or 13?

#familyplanning

#betterchildhood

#betterparenting

#bestlife

Parenthood: Beginners

So far, parenthood has been.. well...

EXHAUSTING!

No lie. My 3months maternity break is almost over, and not one bit, I feel rested (no joke).

Taking care of an infant need your FULL attention and devotion. Nap time, milk time, playtime.. not to mention I need to do my part as a wife too, cooking, cleaning, communicating. And there is that one time, I thought of taking a day break from everything, handing Mika over to Lily to babysit one night, just for a full night sleep, mother instinct just had to kick in, I MISS MIKA SO MUCH! I was listless, indecisive and so occupied thinking of my baby.

Even if I wanted a full night sleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, looking for my son. I don't know how am I going to cope, going back to work next month, missing him all the time.

Let me tell you, ek..
MOTHER INSTINCT IS REAL!

It's both tiring, but a full blessing. Thank you Allah for this opportunity to be a mother. It's truly magical and now, my reality. No matter how tiring it is, I wouldn't exchange this with anything!

Dear 19 Year Old Me

Dear 19-Year-Old me,

You just entered your new semester in UiTM, Perak. Last semester, everything was new. New best friends, new environment, new weather (the sweltering heat OMG). New things to learn, painting techniques, history, and how tiring it was to climb the studio every morning. Nevertheless, this semester, history will be made, in your life.

The nervousness built up as you enter your new class, new classmates, all sharing the same interest, I think? Don't worry, everyone was ultimately friendly. You'll enjoy most of your time in this class in your lifetime.

It was around this time, too, that you'll meet the love of your life. You really do like this guy. Who is he? He's that guy you first met in BEL class. He was clumsily elected as class rep, and you're his assistant. You wanted to get to know him because you'll be working together. You turned around to greet him, and you asked,

"Topi ko ni, busuk tak?"

which, then he replied,

"Try bau la."

You naively, amusingly did, by the way, you silly girl. He was shocked and called you weird. You were the first girl to even have the nerve to smell his cap. It was stinky, FYI.

You and Topet became friends, or more like, acquaintances. Normal classmates. He was super talented, though. And not to mention the ultimate goofball in class. You like being friends with him. But you weren't attracted. You're still fretting over that last ex-BF of yours in Dungun. But nevermind, you'll get over him. So over, that Topet and he became good buddies.

Soon, you'll find out that he has a girlfriend. you'll feel a little frustrated, but, why though, you asked yourself. You should be happy, or even, not think about it at all. You got this super hunk of a guy that has a crush on you. Trust me, you don't want this guy. He asked you for a kiss, and when you refused, he called you a coward. So, nope!

During mid-sem, you became best of friends. It started with Eno, texting you, as a prank or something. Then, Topet started to join the conversation (using Eno's phone to continue texting you). You talk about everything together. You feel proud when he praised your comics. You became so close, that you hung out almost all the time. Yeah, you'll feel guilty toward his GF, but you insisted you did nothing wrong since you're just friends. Besides, Eno is there all the time (3rd party since 2009).

Towards the end of the semester, it's time to go home. Semester break for a whole 3 months. You'll feel heavy hearted, sad, and lonely. The whole class was the best thing that has ever happened to you. Especially, Topet. He sent you in front of your dorm, for the last time that semester (with Eno, of course). Ayah will pick you up in the morning.

"Jumpa sem depan lah. Papehal, mesej je."

He then, turned his back, and waved goodbye, feeling like one of his anime characters, dramatically. You felt a little tug in your chest. You felt like crying. You like this guy. But, you still haven't realized it. But you will, starting the next semester, and the next, and the next...

... until you both eventually got married. You'll be having his child, In Syaa Allah in May 2017. Celebrating your 2nd wedding anniversary, and your 10 years of friendship with the love of your life.

See, you really like this guy. I know, I do. <3 p="">

I love you, Taufik Hidayat. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Dear love,

My friend, my soul, my life, my husband, my family, my world.

You are my favourite person in this world,

together with our newborn son.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Provide me love, shelter, comfort, and hugs.

We've known each other for 10 years.

Who'd thought that all those years would lead us here?

iloveyou endlessly

#tilljannah

p.s: nk tulis panjang2, otak tgh weng, dalam pantang lg nih.. ahax. just know that I love you very much!

High Blood Pressure

The back story of me giving birth to our son...

The due date was 6th May 2017, so my hubby and I figured we still have a week to go before giving birth. Atleast, 1st May lah.. not so soon.

Over that time, I was so stressing out with my workload, that I didn't get enough rest or leisure. So, by the time I was done with everything, I got up and get ready for my FINAL medical check up. Which was funny that coincidentally, this very 1st time, hubby wasn't able to accompany me to the hospital, to which I called my dad to asked if he's willing to accompany me instead.

All this while, throughout all the check ups I did with hubby, everything was normal, healthy and accordingly. BUT, this particular time, just this one time with my dad, EVERYTHING WENT WRONG! Low amniotic fluid and high blood pressure, to which the doctor quickly suggest me to admit that very day!

High blood pressure due to overworked, stress and not enough sleep. Terus terang cakap, memang salah MCMC event. no cover ups, ok!

My dad and Lily called hubby and told him everything. Hubby ditched his work and called me. I was crying hard and felt so guilty towards my baby. I kept apologizing, and also blamed my workload. Hubby was shaken. He drove straight to the hospital.

My dad confronted us, asking for our decision. We decided to just admit to the hospital. No more delaying.

***

The doctor gave me induce pills 3 times to force contractions, but I just wasn't feeling it. We slept one night at the hospital, hoping the contractions would come.

During that night, I wasn't able to sleep at all. Just that one night, I heard 2 women gave birth. One was screaming, one was having a hard time pushing. But both gave birth well. But it was scary for me. Every time I heard them, I'd call my hubby from the other bed, to come over and held his hands tight. He was trying hard to comfort me.

About 6 am, the doctor came in and asked if I was feeling anything. I felt nothing. She then gave me, the last option, inserting half pill into my cervix. If there's still no reaction, she told me, I might have to go under c-sec.

Just within half hour, STRONG CONTRACTIONS CAME! OMG! IT WAS SURPRISING PAINFUL. By 8 am, it was unbearable, I was sent to the labour room. My hubby, Lily and my dad were around. After almost 4 hours, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! Right after my baby's out and crying, hubby cried so hard. He was glad it was over. You were very supportive Cayang. You are a great husband and father.

And that's how my birth story went. Yeay!

Welcome to the World, my son

Name:

Mohamad Mika Uthman bin Mohamad Taufik Hidayat

Birth date:

27 April 2017

Time:

11.50am

Weight:

2.7kg

Sex:

Boy

Sign:

Taurus

Year:

Rooster

Our precious son 

counting days

just 2 to 3 weeks left!

Can't wait to finally meet you, baby~ 

:)

my everything (literally) all kembang2 sudah..

Life as a (Pregnant) Wife

Me:

Cayang, help me carry these to the back.

Hubby:

Ok.

Me waiting for him.

Him, on the bed or rocking chair, on his phone.

***

Literally, 10 mins later.

Me:

Cayang!

Hubby:

Oh, lupa!

Kalau sekali dua, xpe lagi tau... 

Nightly Tears

Being pregnant made me emotional at times.

One night, I got scared of labor and maternal death. I talked about it to my husband. He told me, I'm going to be fine. I want to believe him, but the thought of dying during childbirth scares me.

I made him promise to take care of our baby, and my cats. He tapped my face, telling me to stop saying such sad thoughts.

He hugged me long and tight. Giving me kisses and whispered that he is worried too, but he promised that everything is going to be alright.

I cried so hard that night. So many sad thought flooding my brain that night. My husband just held me close silently. He eventually started snoring.

I thought it's funny. So I stopped crying.

You know, it's kind of useless being scared of the future that we cannot determine. We can only prepare for the many possibilities. True, it's saddening and horrifying, but then, why worry about something we aren't sure of?

one of my life motto:

Can you fix it? YES. Then fix it.

Can you fix it? NO. Then why worry?

i asked again

I can be a lil narcissistic, but what gives kan? And towards my hubby pun.. xsalah.. lol!

So, referring back to that little chat I had with hubby, me asking him when/ at what age, was I most beautiful. He said, during that time, when he saw me at the Gempakstarz event.

I showed him pictures of me during that time, asking him if he was sure.

Seems like he misunderstood the question. He said that was the FIRST time he was attracted to me, not my most beautiful time. duh..

He then corrected his answer:

My most beautiful moment to him was during our Wedding Reception...

Fluttery hearts. ;p

Ok, Cayang. I love you.

Put, you narcissistic b**th

:D

Aging

Me

Cayang, we're definitely aging. I'm fat now.

Hubby

Yeah.

Me

For you ah, after all these years we've known each other,

when or at what age I was most beautiful to you?

Hubby thinking...

Hubby

It's that time when we met at Sungei Wang, during the Gempakstarz event.

Me

That time we accidentally met? You with Proff and Eno?

Hubby

Yup. That time.

Me

We were 19. That was the 1st time we met outside the campus.

Hubby

Yup. That was your peak age and time.

Me

I was 48kg!

Hubby

Haha! Don't lie laaa...

Hubby was severely attacked by a vicious mad woman then.

********************************************************************

Me during that event. I'm surprised tho... >.>

I wasn't even using decent makeup. I don't think I even had makeup on.

I've even made a comic of that fateful incident.

Guess I really made a good "FIRST" impression.

HAHAHA!

Ayah's advice

My dad gave me this advice after he found out I had a boyfriend in high school (I was 16).

He wasn't mad that I had one, just disapprove of it.

He said,

"I'm not saying you shouldn't experience these things, but, the higher education you go, the more people you'll meet, more great men you can choose from. Don't waste your time with things like relationships at a young age."

I have to say, I agree and disagree though.

But, what I agreed on was, if I am focus on what I'm passionate about, I'll find someone within the same range as I am.

It's not about, who's stupid or who's better, it's about, who's worth it..

Frankly, I'm not the smartest one in a bunch, but, I had time and space to see other things than relationships. And within that time, my husband and I found each other while pursuing our passion. That's how I like it. It's not blindly love and lust, it's passion and interest as well.

Thank you for that piece of mind, Ayah.

Tummy Table

Was surfing the net on the bed,

when I got uncomfortable and lay on my back.

Put laptop on my tummy,

and was amazed at the height it gave me.

"Cayang, look! My new table top!"

I exclaimed towards my husband.

"Jangan la buat macam tu. Baby panas la nanti..."

he scolded.

He's already overprotecting his child before he is born.

Ok fine.

sad doctor's visit

So, I had my 3rd cramping during this pregnancy, and I skipped work today. I went to the clinic to claim my MC, also, to cry over some preggy problems, like back pains and vaginal issues (just gonna be straight here).

1st, I talked about the crampings, which doc said, it's normal and isn't too serious unless I have them constantly, like, more than 10 times within 12 hours. That's probably the contractions. For now, maybe it's just the baby weight and irregular exercises.

2nd, about my vaginal problem, which I thought maybe a fungal infection or something. But since no bleeding, discharges or any liquid substances coming out, which I know I don't have any, it's maybe just sweating, as preggers gets hot and sweats continuously (you bet, I do!! so uncomfy!) It's just body odor, which I'm really disgusted with. So, I bought a new herbal vaginal wash, and pray to Allah, it'll work.

3rd, about my back pain. I know, preggers has to go through this at some time, but it's really uncomfortable. I just wanted some solutions to relieve it. But, the doctor just shook her head, smiling pitifully over me. "Bear with it, just a little while longer. You only have 2 more months to go. No pill or ointment is gonna work on it, for now. Sabar ye." I was so sad to her respond. She warned me, no pills, no meds, no ointment, and especially, no massages. Just bear with it and rest when needed. 

At the end of the session, I asked for an MC, which she gladly gave it to me. She said I need rest. But she was also surprised, she thought I was a housewife all this time because I declined any MC's she wanted to give me before this. LoL. Me, housewife? I wish, doctor. Hahaha!

At the end, I came back home, had a good rest with my furboys. All is well, though, back pain is still here. ;'(

Just 6 to 8 weeks left! Can't wait to finally meet you, baby! <3 div="">