Praying for a better life

Let's face it.

I'm not really the most pious, obedient, or even a slightest good Muslim out there. I don't pray much, or even at all before. I only pray when I'm forced to, or simply just "pretend" to pray, by staying in the room, waiting on my phone, for the right amount of time that I'll be "finishing" praying.

YES. I'm that f*cked up. I deserve hell. I know.

But ever since, I got to my third trimester of pregnancy, I got this sudden urge to pray as often as I could. I'm scared to miss any. And even when I do, I would think of the consequences that could befall me, or worst, my baby.

To me before, when it comes to religion, I only took what would give advantages to me (which is very bad and selfish) like, Muslim women's right. I don't even read the Qur'an, let alone khatam, (no, I have yet to khatam, even once in my life). I can't even read it that well. I refuse to learn, as I'm occupied with worldly things like work and sleep.

No, I'm not boosting on how repented I am, nor am I expressing how lowly (or humble) I am compared to others.

I just realized that I'm reaching towards 30, am married and about to have a child of my own, and still how an ignorant human being I am towards Allah.

Just this morning, I was thinking about skipping my Subuh (because I was tired from our trip home from Cameron Highland), and all I could think about was, how sinful I am to even have the intention of skipping it. What if I die before I wake up for work? What if this one time I skip could cause me to give birth to a stillborn? Yes, I know, Allah is forgiving and understanding, but what if it's the limit of His forgiveness from all the sins I made from my youth?

Right now, I'm trying my best to pray as much as I can (5 times a day, in syaa Allah). Trying to be a better Muslim, and that's a good start for me. I'm also trying my best to dress better and to have a clear clean mind and heart.

Others might say, "dah tua gini baru nak taubat." but, I got to start somewhere.

Puteri Nurul here,
trying to be a better Muslim,
a better woman,
a better human being,

for the sake of herself, her child and her husband.

I'm sorry, Ayah, for all the sin I did, that you had to bear. And I pray hard that Allah accepts my repent, so you don't have to suffer because of me, in the Afterlife. In syaa Allah.

Amin.