Praying for a better life

Let's face it.

I'm not really the most pious, obedient, or even a slightest good Muslim out there. I don't pray much, or even at all before. I only pray when I'm forced to, or simply just "pretend" to pray, by staying in the room, waiting on my phone, for the right amount of time that I'll be "finishing" praying.

YES. I'm that f*cked up. I deserve hell. I know.

But ever since, I got to my third trimester of pregnancy, I got this sudden urge to pray as often as I could. I'm scared to miss any. And even when I do, I would think of the consequences that could befall me, or worst, my baby.

To me before, when it comes to religion, I only took what would give advantages to me (which is very bad and selfish) like, Muslim women's right. I don't even read the Qur'an, let alone khatam, (no, I have yet to khatam, even once in my life). I can't even read it that well. I refuse to learn, as I'm occupied with worldly things like work and sleep.

No, I'm not boosting on how repented I am, nor am I expressing how lowly (or humble) I am compared to others.

I just realized that I'm reaching towards 30, am married and about to have a child of my own, and still how an ignorant human being I am towards Allah.

Just this morning, I was thinking about skipping my Subuh (because I was tired from our trip home from Cameron Highland), and all I could think about was, how sinful I am to even have the intention of skipping it. What if I die before I wake up for work? What if this one time I skip could cause me to give birth to a stillborn? Yes, I know, Allah is forgiving and understanding, but what if it's the limit of His forgiveness from all the sins I made from my youth?

Right now, I'm trying my best to pray as much as I can (5 times a day, in syaa Allah). Trying to be a better Muslim, and that's a good start for me. I'm also trying my best to dress better and to have a clear clean mind and heart.

Others might say, "dah tua gini baru nak taubat." but, I got to start somewhere.

Puteri Nurul here,
trying to be a better Muslim,
a better woman,
a better human being,

for the sake of herself, her child and her husband.

I'm sorry, Ayah, for all the sin I did, that you had to bear. And I pray hard that Allah accepts my repent, so you don't have to suffer because of me, in the Afterlife. In syaa Allah.

Amin.

#iwanttotouchadog

As straight forward as it seems, this particular event I went is to overcome the fear and boundaries in me (and possibly, others) of dogs.

From a young age, never in my life (or as far as i recall) am taught that dogs are HARAM or forbidden. Even in my PAFA class, dogs are part of Najis (stool) which is obvious, can be cleanse, whereas Harams, can't and results as a sin. To my opinion, we are more or less, were told (and not taught) that dogs are dirty and should be away from. But, we also forgot that dogs too are Allah's creation and a living creature with feelings and emotions. We forgot that in Islam, is all about toleration and peace making. I'm not implying that we should ALL caress and give kisses to them, but instead, we should accept their existence and respect it.

Today, this event is held to truly understand the nature of dogs and also other religions. Not only we learn to face our fear towards dogs and crash down that wall of boundary, but to also show that Islam is a religion of peace and understanding. We can bond and love. We care for others too. And even if things as accidentally made contact with a dog (or a pig), they to can understand how to help or restrain. We live in a country of many different races and religions. It's only fair for us to understand each other. Thankfully, the event today was a success. Everybody seems to enjoy learning and tolerating. Truly heartwarming. Sure, there a few disses of disagreements and judgement, but meh, everybody's a keyboard master. Just know, my (and surely everybody else's) conscious is clear and In syaa Allah, I'm doing this, ikhlas for the sake of learning and peace making.

Syabas to all of the #iwanttotouchadog event crew and facilitators for providing us such eventful and educating experience. Syabas to Syed Azmi for being the leader. Come on guys, beristinjak pun belajar agama ape? LoL..

And lastly, HATERS GONNA HATE and KEYBOARD MASTERS GOTTA JAM!!

Hijrah of The Heart

I really want to change. In life, love and faith. I do. No buts. I wish to become close to my maker and by that, I'm ready to make a change. I wouldn't say that it's a risk, because changing for the better is always a life guarantee reward. I'm no good girl myself. In fact, I've done many things against my religion. Expressively and secretively. But when I thought of the punishments i could get from hereafter, i trembled and cried, for how I've sinned so bad.

I'm lucky, that little by little, my friends and family exposed to me the world of the Hijrah-ians.. I wish to be guided. I wish to follow. I wish to be sincere about life. I want my future life, family and everything I do to be a blessing. To have peace and serenity.

As told by my friend, the more sincere we are to change, the more tests we are to be put. Not to make us give up on it, but to strengthen the soul, the heart. For Allah will never burden His followers, knowing he can't make it. If I am tested in such ways, I should be honored that Allah believed that I am able to handle the situation. I should be strong about it, not fret and cry.

I want to change. To be better. In syaa Allah...

Life Hiccups

in life, there will always be hiccups, where you have to stop doing what ever in order to control your own freak nature show. at least, that was what i did when i have hiccups. the real hiccups.

but life hiccup is different. because of you yourself, you decided to stop for no reason. probably the only reason is laziness or lack of confidence. but by the time you realised it, you're already covered with doubt, misery and guilt.

for me, i'm having a major one. for months, i am unemployed and i still have the will to build a family. i have now nothing on me. i'm feeling useless, stupid and can't seem to do anything right. i'm depressed. even when i try to bring myself back on my feet, there will always that doubt on my back bringing me back down, laying motionless in my room of nothingness. 

i'm sucked in. with no more will power to achieve anything. i left my blind ears back for people to scream at. i continuously promises to wake up for my deep wide eyed slumber, yet i can't decide when will that happen. my lips can only say words you want to hear but isn't really from the soul.

whisper. whisper to me. put my feet up against yours and walk for me till i can walk again. i need it. i need that most. no one in this world is really my friend. no one but ALLAH. i must pray. seek forgiveness for the ill deeds i have done. seek refuge from evil doers of the world, be it man or monster.

i seek shelter from you, ya ALLAH. make this sinner clean again, for you are the only one most forgiveful and loving. AMIN.

i am having a life hiccup. a major one, and i think i know why...

Yes, Im human too...

This early morning, I've read an online article about how 3 girls of the same religion approached each other.

I personally considered myself as a stone heart-ed woman. I hardly care what others thought about me, and seldom take notice of those minor selfish happenings around me. But when i read this article, it made me reminisce the times before i wore my hijab.

The story of the article took place in a local college in Malaysia (obviously, because the scenario is familiar to a Malay environment). A young hijabless woman wanted to perform her prayers in a surau, but she accidently forgotten her telekung. She asked another young woman (who looks like she's done her prayer) if she can borrow her telekung for awhile. Instead of lending the hijabless woman, she dissed her so bad about her not wearing a hijab. She gotten so angry but she said nothing, until approached another well hijab-ed woman. Apologetically, she overheard the disses and scolded the mean woman for being rude and disrespectful towards another sister of the same religion. Egotistically, the mean hijab woman kept on saying that the hijabless woman is a disgrace to the religion and she doesn't belong in the surau. The nice woman reminded her that, even in hijab is worthless if their character (akhlak) is bad. The mean woman went away resentfully. The nice woman lend her telekung to the hijabless woman, and they prayed together. After their prayers, the hijabless woman thanked the woman who saved her, and the nice woman praised her thoughtfulness. The hijabless said she wasn't worth the praise as she is sinful towards Allah for not covering up. The nice woman said,

"The soul is much more beautiful if its protected. I understand that we need time to change, but bear in mind, that time doesn't wait for us."

This simple story almost brought tears to me. Why? Because it really happens.

I was one of the women who was often dissed and shun away by this community of hijabis. I dare to say that they are so pretentious, they stopped and was friendly as soon as they knew my celebrity parents. How 'nice'.

These narrow minded people are one of the reason i stay a low profile during my years of studying. One minute they hate you, talk behind your back, next minute, they want to be your best friend. fakers! Me, just being who i am, don't really take notice of what they had to say about me, but what's annoying is when they hover around, being close to me like flies afterwards.

No. I don't hold any grudge upon them, but knowing how these community works, they're giving muslimah a bad name, and i'm ashamed of it. That's why i had this ideology of, why should i wear hijab when looking like them is making me like one of them? Of course, that's wrong to think like that, and i admit i wasn't mature about it. Wearing hijabs or covering our aurah in general is wajib, and has nothing to do with others. We are judged (akhirat) as an individual.

What im trying to say is, there is ALOT of mean hijabis out there that would diss you so bad. But lets not forget about the nice hijabis whom are willing to guide people like me sincerely. People like my best friend, CheQin. Just thinking, how lucky i am to got stuck to my CheQin so early, that these other mean girls doesn't mean a THING!!

As i go along the story, as soon as the nice hijab woman came in the story line, whatever she advised or said, is almost exactly as what CheQin told and taught me throughout our whole friendship. She prayed and advised me nonstop, and never scolded me for being an airhead. I guess, her prayers are semi-answered (along with people who cared to pray for me, like my mom) (its semi-answered because i don't pray as well as i should.. still a big sinner).

To mean and judgmental hijabis, reflect yourself, and your tongue. Approach and don't shun us. And don't be a hypocrite. Nobody likes that. And to all non hijabis, its ok. Find a friend and ask for guidance. Its not that hard when you're doing it with a true friend. And to nice hijabis, help us, and in syaa allah, we too can show you the way towards Allah together. Islam is a Beautiful religion. Let make it happen altogether and maintain brothers and sisters till Jannah. Ameen.

Practice The Right Phrases!

Doubting my hijabster self

Of course, ever since i wore the hijab, i've start missing the days i was wild (sort of) and free (think so) ... I just love the feel of the wind in my hair and decorating my mane with cute clips and ribbons. But now, i'm using the hijab, i sort of miss my bangs.. no doubt! i love the hijab style and all.. but i was uncovered for so long and sometimes, it feels like a hassle, truthfully...

At times, i feel like taking it off and let loose and care less of what others might say. But i made a vow.

Nonetheless, i asked my fiancee, doesn't he missed me without hijab? He said he does. BUT! He preferred me with the hijab on, because it made me look nicer and sweet (awww). Better than before. And knowing him, he doesn't like to share his girl to anyone (and that's why i was scolded when wearing short skirts before, long ago).

Well, despite the guilty feeling of taking my hijab off, those remarks from my fiancee truly lightens me up. So, i'm keeping it on (of course, didn't even plan to take it off in the 1st place). Besides, i'm not at the age of playing and flirting around anymore. I just want to look pretty for him, and i'm glad he's appreciating me like this.. :)

I found myself a very good man to guide my future.

I know, i should be sincere wearing my hijab for Allah.. I AM.. its just that, i'm not immune from syaitan myself, and don't say that you are (fakers). Every changes in life must have a motivator, and mine, fortunately my family, friends and beloved fiancee. Thank you guys.. :)

Hijabster

I used it when I was in High School but took it off when i was 17.

That was my highest rebellious point during my teen years. LoL

And now that I'm Taufik Hidayat's fiancee,

I'm practicing to make a change in myself,

starting with Hijab.

Pray for my weak heart and iman to be strong.

Help me maintain this way of Allah.

Slowly, I want to change for the better!

I might start small, and may be with my old ways again.

But, I will stay strong and independent!

Amin. :)

Soon in Singapore

this year will probably mark the shortest trip to Singapore... because of my job...

im sorry in advance ibu.. :(

anyways...

before my line get disconnected in Singapore, i would like to gather my palm and fingers together and ask for forgiveness to who ever that may have been hurt from what I've done or said, for i am only a humble human being myself...

please make halal for all of the things given to me.

i cant promise a perfect me next year, but pray for a better and improved me onward.

from here, i also would love to wish, Happy Aidilfitri. Assalammua'laikum ;)

Salam Ramadhan

happy fasting to all my muslim friends...

chase lailatul Qadar

perform your terawih as often as possible

prevent from picking your nose and ears

dont forget to sahur

and most of all,

fasting is the time to repent from your greediness... 

dont gobble and waste too much food ok?

(self reminder)

p.s: dont nap away all that extra time u have ok?

Hijab

Yes,

I am a Muslim woman.

But, i admit that my iman is not that strong whereas it shud be.

but please please please,

read the al-Qur'an again,

do a lil research on how to cover your aurat.

FYI,

Jews and Christians also wears Hijabs.

to respect your Islam religion,

please wear it the right way.

Quit wearing ur hijabs with

leggings, 

inner shirts, 

baby tshirts,

and all those clothings that exposes the shape of your body!

if other Muslims were to come to our country, seeing how u wear it,

im sure they will laugh and ask what religion are u.

its not wrong to be fashionable,

just limit yourselves to evaluate which fashion can be used.

be smart.. please la...

the world is getting uglier...

you dont have to be part of it...

click this link and read it with an openheart,

Wanita Melayu Akhir Zaman

if ur gonna wear your hijab,

make sure you wear it right.

there's no use when ur wearing ur hijab 

but getting the same sins as the ones who doesnt..

Assalamua'laikum 

p.s: you guys may say, that i dont hve the rights to say this to you all, but, as a muslim cousin, i feel that i hv a responsibility to tell this.

Happy Fasting to All Muslim Friends

puasa honestly
no cheating
as Allah sees n knows all...

;)

A Land Called Paradise

watch this and...

to my non muslim friends:
we, muslim, are only human like you..
thus, we believe in One Allah
but, we are still a friend..

to my muslim friends:
we are muslim,
we are human..
Islam is not a difficult religion.
but we are still human..
live life to the fullest..
The Islamic Way.. ;p