Mak Turut

 Everybody knows.

My father was one of the greatest filmmakers in the industry in Malaysia. (not bragging)

I only got to witness him in stardom as his "struggling" artist phase was far before I was born.

I was brought up in the shadow of a glamorous lifestyle. Celebrities and known artists came to our house, I spent time at the filming location and practically grew up surrounded by film crews and stars. I was also around watching and listening in during meetings and script readings. 

But, I didn't absorb much of my father's creative flame and love for new discoveries. I shy away, hoping someone noticed me, wishing I could be in that world, but I often shy away. ruginya lahai...

I dare to say, I have many creative skills, and I often learn quickly on the go. But I feel that's my limit.

a FATHER, who's well known, and well versed in the creative world, only to have a DAUGHTER who's just an executor. I can only realize what visions others have, but hardly my own. Even if I have, it's hardly significant.

Alas, I married also to a man, so talented and well respected in the Design world, and again, I execute...

Is it that bad? No. Then why? I dunno... With all the expectations from people around me since young, I feel like I let them down. I'm in my mid-30s and have yet to have my name in the media about my accomplishments. Was it a target in the first place? No, but...

Until now, I'm a great nothing. I'm good at things, but not great.

Hahaha... I feel like I'm just complaining. I'm actually am.

What's Happening with Change?

    I'm changing... spiritually, and religiously. And I'm thankful from the bottom of my heart that Allah gave me the chance to repent and start praying. At the old age of 34, since last Ramadan, I started praying. Took the advantage of Syaitan tied up in Jahannam, not tempting to stray me away.

    I listened more to Mufti Menk. Actually, it started with him. His TikTok video crossed my feed, saying, Allah loves me, no matter how much I wasted my youth, what I've done. Do what we need to do to deserve that love. Just having that video crosses my life, is proof that Allah still opening his arms, beaconing me to return to the right path.

    So I start with the very basics. 5 times a day. It was difficult, but the phrase, no matter what we did, as long as we pray 5 times, we'll die a Muslim, because that is our pillar. I did as much as I could. Every time I felt too lazy to pray, I feared that I may die suddenly that very day, such a waste to lose to laziness.

This post is not about preaching, btw. It's about change.

    I often thought about my life, my very being just 5 years ago, 10 years ago even, almost nothing of that time remained on my being. There was a time when I felt dependent, lost of identity, anxious, and slipping out the essence of myself. But after some pondering time, I thought, maybe it's for the better. I am not ALL gone, but I kept what mattered to me most, my optimism, my love for family, and my friendships with the few people who are still around. I Marie Kondo myself, safe to say.

    If I insist on keeping useless things in my life, I might never reach enlightenment and peace. Sure, the lack of a job and loss of motivation to work kinda hit me in the brain, but I feel that it's not the worst thing. I found an abundance of time to raise my kids, and actually have time to be present. Also, I found myself asking, why am I missing prayers all the while I'm a SAHM? I don't have any deadlines to catch, and I'm in the most comfortable state, wearing home clothes, and no makeup. I can take wuduk anytime without touching up makeup, those kinds of small things (Comfort is my no1 priority).

    I wanna say I'm at peace, but I'm not, though I am halfway there. My children are still very young and I'm still very dependent on hubster. But, the kids are growing and soon (Like very soon) they'll be out of home most hours of the day due to school and I'll be freelancing as my husband insists I do (I am quite free by then, hubby also says it's a waste of my creative talent and degree if I just laze around XD), So, I'll be up and busy too soon ;p