Listen To Your Heart, You Will Understand

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

why now la??

now Mika dah 8 bulan..

tetiba kan..

hati kuat je gendang2,

"best nya, bila next dapat baby girl? 
boleh pakai bows and dresses."

*snap to reality*

what the heck was that? 
another baby so soon for me?

trauma beranak pun tak habis lg.
tak yah cerita lah trauma topet tengok aku bersalin.


maybe when Mika's a lil older lah.
Maybe 3 yo, or 13?


Friday, November 10, 2017

In my heart

Almost every day, when I look at my son, smiling and laughing, I thought, how lucky my son is, to have a family, people who care for him all around, to receive unconditional love. And I unconsciously compared him to babies who are tortured, abused, assaulted sexually and mentally, at a very young age before 1 year old.

I found myself teary and filled with guilt and anger, upon comparing my son to those unfortunate babies. I also question, will they ever heal if they survive such torture? will they be permanently affected by whatever scars they got?

To look at my son's smiling face, prying for attention, I imagine, what if my son were born from somebody else, with such abusive background? Where he'll get spanks instead of cuddles for crying? Where he'll be silenced instead of being fed for being hungry? Where he'll be ignored instead of played with, when learning to sit, stand or crawl?

I hug my son, praying and thanking Allah, for blessing us with him in our family. And pray that all the babies, toddlers, children and teenagers to be equally blessed with love from their family. Child abuse needs to end.

Mummy instinct gets stronger every day.

Monday, September 25, 2017

thank god~

I am very much thankful for a very functional family i have right now...

I actually try very hard not to be a clingy mom towards my baby, and let my husband has his moments with his son, and by moments, i don't just mean playtime.

My husband learned to bathe, change diapers, make bottle milk, babysit (with me around) so i can get that very very extra sleep i wanted on the weekend.

my husband very much knows how i looovveee sleeping in over the weekend. Just the other day, he let me sleep until nearly noon. I know how bad that sounded like, but, i've been up and about every other day, doing house chores and parenting...

so, it's a very balanced parenting lifestyle we're doing, because parenting isn't just a mom's job.

i'm very thankful for the family i have now, and there is no way in this world would i exchange it for another.

i love my boys

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

a letter from your newborn

Dear Mummy and Daddy

Please keep this letter from me in a place where you can read it and re-read it when things are rough and you are feeling down.

Please don’t expect too much from me as a new born baby, or too much from yourselves as parents. Give us both six weeks as a birthday present, six weeks for me to grow, develop, mature, and become more stable and predictable – six weeks for you to rest and relax and allow your body to get back to normal.

Please feed me when I am hungry, I never knew hunger in your womb and clocks and time mean little to me.

Please hold, cuddle, kiss, touch, stroke and croon to me. I was always held closely in your womb and have never been alone before.

Please forgive me if I cry a lot. I am not a tyrant who was sent to make your life miserable, the only way I can tell you I am not happy is with my cry, bear with me and in a short time, as I mature, I will spend less time crying and more time socializing.

Please take the time to find out who I am, how I differ from you and how much I can bring to you. Watch me carefully and I’ll tell you things which sooth, console and please me.

Please remember that I am resilient and can withstand the many natural mistakes you’ll make with me. As long as you make them with love, I cannot be harmed.

Please don’t be disappointed when I am not the perfect baby you expected nor be disappointed with yourselves when you are not the perfect parents.

Please take care of yourself; eat a balanced diet, rest, and exercise so that when we are together, you have the patience and energy to take care of me. The cure for a fussy baby is more rest for Mum.

Please take care of your relationship with each other. What good is family bonding if there is no family left for me to bond with.

Keep the “big picture” in mind. I’ll be like this for a very short time, though it seems like forever to you now. Although I may have turned your life upside down, please remind yourselves that things will be back to normal before long.

Enjoy me – I’ll never be this little again!

from: Babyology website

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

confinement and judgements

Hai awak.. lama tak jumpa lepas ada baby kan? best tak?

Best la.. tp tu la, kena la berjaga malam skit, dah 3 bulan tidur tak betul.

eh, awk nampak gemuk la..
muka pun dah kusam, mcm orang tua. msti pantang tak betul kan?
tu la, nk moden sgt, pantang orang tua xmau ikut. Kan dah jadi mcm ni..

*this mofo 'bout ta go douwnnn...*
BITCH, i'm already fat before i'm pregnant, you stupid airhead.
muka kusam? aku baru ada anak kot, bru je btau 3 bulan tido xbetul.
ko paham ke tak? ko ingat beranak tu mcm main bola ke? penat sehari je?
pale hotak letak kt lutut. mulut letak kt pantat. jaga skit la adab berbual skit.
ko xyah nk ckp psl tok nenek sgt la.. tok nenek ko bukan tok nenek aku..

sebenarnya kan, I had enough of people scolding others about confinements. yeah, nasihat boleh.. tp nasihat la, bukan ugut, bukan berbiadap. no manners kan gitu? aku pun boleh xde manners weyh. You don't accuse people based on their appearances. Muka kusam ke, gemuk ke, sakit tulang ke.. not everything is from not confining. smart ass.

I ask oni maa...

nak tanye, kenapa pantang ni asia je ada?
mat saleh xde pantang pun?
tnye je, just curious..

try la xpantang,
badan rosak nnt, baru tau pantang tu perlu ke tak..
padan muka... tok nenek dia buat suma ada sebab,
xyah nk bajet modern sgt.


p.s: i really hate org2 jenis #2 ni.. jenis xleh nk curious lgsg...

Friday, August 11, 2017

Why don't I want many children...

There are many sayings that children are blessings from Allah, and a miracle.

And, with all my heart, I believe they are true. But it really didn't assure me that it's compulsory for me to have many kids, and I'm talking about 6 to 7 children of my own.

Many asked me about my future after giving birth to Mika (specifically, how many kids I want), and to many, I answered, maybe just 2 or 3 kids, max...

And boy was I bombarded with snake eyes and disses, saying that I talk as if I know no God or fate or even takdir. It's a sin for me to plan my pregnancy as if I'm seizing my rezeki.

Bitch, you don't know me, and you don't know my story!

Yes, I know, rezeki ditangan Allah. But Allah also gives us brains to think. I am not you, nor you're me. Our rezeki are designated to our lifestyle and conveniences. We're totally different people. Stop judging others, just because we're not like you.

You have time to care for you children, Alhamdulillah, Allah blessed you with time. You're so proud that your education is only up to SPM level, and you're living such average life, yeah, by all means, Syukran for you, for you have your own preferable life style.

I'm not you, I enjoy my life now. Sure I have my ups and downs. I wish to be a homemaker, like you, working random homely jobs, to stop when you can. But, no. I've been living my life like this, and you should not judge or interfere.

I feel the need to list down the reasons, why I don't want many children:-

1. Time
- Let's face it. I'm not the smartest person in the world, I'm also very forgetful and clumsy. I'd like to focus on my kids and know them individually. Imagine being that child always being forgotten or ignored because your many siblings have all the problem in the world to tell to your parents, and they just don't have time to deal with you.

Every child is important, and if I'm going have many just for the sake of 'having' kids, and not paying attention I'd rather have none. I want to know every wee and woes of theirs and get to the bottom of their problems. I want them to get into trouble and teach them how to get out of it. If I have too many, things are likely to get out of hand, honestly.

2. Money
- "Oh, Puteri don't want kids because of money. Such an ignorant woman to not trust in Allah's plans." - Just shut up, and face the facts. Things in this world aren't getting cheaper, and cheap things are often sleazy and dangerous, or toxic. I want everything to be the best for my kids. Best toys, best educations, best foods, best vacations. (In Shaa Allah). And trust me, I don't want to spend my whole life, working so I can pay menial stuff just to afford a living.

I want to enjoy my hard work payment with my family, to earn a fun and healthy lifestyle. I don't want to fumble around thinking of my 7 children's needs and only dreaming about life before marriage.

3. Education
- The most important thing in life. And believe this doesn't come cheap! What if my kid's dream to become a pilot, or astronaut or is a wizard born muggle and need to go to Hogwarts. Those need money, and who am I to stop them? I want to provide them with whatever they need to achieve, to become a human being, rather than being stranded, let dreams be dreams.

4. Pain
- I gave birth once, and it wasn't all magical ponies and rainbows during the contractions, ok. Low pain tolerance.

I'd rather have a small, manageable family than a big hay wired one. I've been into one, and I know what it's like. You don't come to me and tell me I'm ungrateful. I may not get everything I hope for, even if I try, but I'll pray and work hard for it. I know what I'm getting myself in to...

Every body for their own.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Mika Uthman

ah~ my heart :)

Parenthood: Beginners

So far, parenthood has been.. well...


No lie. My 3months maternity break is almost over, and not one bit, I feel rested (no joke).

Taking care of an infant need your FULL attention and devotion. Nap time, milk time, playtime.. not to mention I need to do my part as a wife too, cooking, cleaning, communicating. And there is that one time, I thought of taking a day break from everything, handing Mika over to Lily to babysit one night, just for a full night sleep, mother instinct just had to kick in, I MISS MIKA SO MUCH! I was listless, indecisive and so occupied thinking of my baby.

Even if I wanted a full night sleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, looking for my son. I don't know how am I going to cope, going back to work next month, missing him all the time.

Let me tell you, ek..

It's both tiring, but a full blessing. Thank you Allah for this opportunity to be a mother. It's truly magical and now, my reality. No matter how tiring it is, I wouldn't exchange this with anything!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Dear 19 Year Old Me

Dear 19-Year-Old me,

You just entered your new semester in UiTM, Perak. Last semester, everything was new. New best friends, new environment, new weather (the sweltering heat OMG). New things to learn, painting techniques, history, and how tiring it was to climb the studio every morning. Nevertheless, this semester, history will be made, in your life.

The nervousness built up as you enter your new class, new classmates, all sharing the same interest, I think? Don't worry, everyone was ultimately friendly. You'll enjoy most of your time in this class in your lifetime.

It was around this time, too, that you'll meet the love of your life. You really do like this guy. Who is he? He's that guy you first met in BEL class. He was clumsily elected as class rep, and you're his assistant. You wanted to get to know him because you'll be working together. You turned around to greet him, and you asked,
"Topi ko ni, busuk tak?"

which, then he replied,
"Try bau la."

You naively, amusingly did, by the way, you silly girl. He was shocked and called you weird. You were the first girl to even have the nerve to smell his cap. It was stinky, FYI.

You and Topet became friends, or more like, acquaintances. Normal classmates. He was super talented, though. And not to mention the ultimate goofball in class. You like being friends with him. But you weren't attracted. You're still fretting over that last ex-BF of yours in Dungun. But nevermind, you'll get over him. So over, that Topet and he became good buddies.

Soon, you'll find out that he has a girlfriend. you'll feel a little frustrated, but, why though, you asked yourself. You should be happy, or even, not think about it at all. You got this super hunk of a guy that has a crush on you. Trust me, you don't want this guy. He asked you for a kiss, and when you refused, he called you a coward. So, nope!

During mid-sem, you became best of friends. It started with Eno, texting you, as a prank or something. Then, Topet started to join the conversation (using Eno's phone to continue texting you). You talk about everything together. You feel proud when he praised your comics. You became so close, that you hung out almost all the time. Yeah, you'll feel guilty toward his GF, but you insisted you did nothing wrong since you're just friends. Besides, Eno is there all the time (3rd party since 2009).

Towards the end of the semester, it's time to go home. Semester break for a whole 3 months. You'll feel heavy hearted, sad, and lonely. The whole class was the best thing that has ever happened to you. Especially, Topet. He sent you in front of your dorm, for the last time that semester (with Eno, of course). Ayah will pick you up in the morning.

"Jumpa sem depan lah. Papehal, mesej je."

He then, turned his back, and waved goodbye, feeling like one of his anime characters, dramatically. You felt a little tug in your chest. You felt like crying. You like this guy. But, you still haven't realized it. But you will, starting the next semester, and the next, and the next...

... until you both eventually got married. You'll be having his child, In Syaa Allah in May 2017. Celebrating your 2nd wedding anniversary, and your 10 years of friendship with the love of your life.

See, you really like this guy. I know, I do. <3 p="">

I love you, Taufik Hidayat. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Dear love,

My friend, my soul, my life, my husband, my family, my world.

You are my favourite person in this world,
together with our newborn son.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.
Provide me love, shelter, comfort, and hugs.

We've known each other for 10 years.
Who'd thought that all those years would lead us here?

iloveyou endlessly

p.s: nk tulis panjang2, otak tgh weng, dalam pantang lg nih.. ahax. just know that I love you very much!

High Blood Pressure

The back story of me giving birth to our son...

The due date was 6th May 2017, so my hubby and I figured we still have a week to go before giving birth. Atleast, 1st May lah.. not so soon.

Over that time, I was so stressing out with my workload, that I didn't get enough rest or leisure. So, by the time I was done with everything, I got up and get ready for my FINAL medical check up. Which was funny that coincidentally, this very 1st time, hubby wasn't able to accompany me to the hospital, to which I called my dad to asked if he's willing to accompany me instead.

All this while, throughout all the check ups I did with hubby, everything was normal, healthy and accordingly. BUT, this particular time, just this one time with my dad, EVERYTHING WENT WRONG! Low amniotic fluid and high blood pressure, to which the doctor quickly suggest me to admit that very day!

High blood pressure due to overworked, stress and not enough sleep. Terus terang cakap, memang salah MCMC event. no cover ups, ok!

My dad and Lily called hubby and told him everything. Hubby ditched his work and called me. I was crying hard and felt so guilty towards my baby. I kept apologizing, and also blamed my workload. Hubby was shaken. He drove straight to the hospital.

My dad confronted us, asking for our decision. We decided to just admit to the hospital. No more delaying.


The doctor gave me induce pills 3 times to force contractions, but I just wasn't feeling it. We slept one night at the hospital, hoping the contractions would come.

During that night, I wasn't able to sleep at all. Just that one night, I heard 2 women gave birth. One was screaming, one was having a hard time pushing. But both gave birth well. But it was scary for me. Every time I heard them, I'd call my hubby from the other bed, to come over and held his hands tight. He was trying hard to comfort me.

About 6 am, the doctor came in and asked if I was feeling anything. I felt nothing. She then gave me, the last option, inserting half pill into my cervix. If there's still no reaction, she told me, I might have to go under c-sec.

Just within half hour, STRONG CONTRACTIONS CAME! OMG! IT WAS SURPRISING PAINFUL. By 8 am, it was unbearable, I was sent to the labour room. My hubby, Lily and my dad were around. After almost 4 hours, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! Right after my baby's out and crying, hubby cried so hard. He was glad it was over. You were very supportive Cayang. You are a great husband and father.

And that's how my birth story went. Yeay!

Welcome to the World, my son

Mohamad Mika Uthman bin Mohamad Taufik Hidayat

Birth date:
27 April 2017






Our precious son 

Monday, April 24, 2017


I admit I'm only human...

I feel tired, stressed, annoyed and easily irritated, especially when it comes to work.

But whenever I wanted to shout it out in my social media, I feel like a whiner. Like a loser who can't handle that one (or few) job.

But humanly speaking, I also feel like a pushover because of this. I don't whine about things, I just agree and do, get unappreciated at times.

Like now, I'm legit 9months pregnant, with body aches and mostly tired, I still have tons of work and clients to entertain. I can't even ask for help (but luckily I did). Been working at home for the WHOLE weekend until the wee hours of the morning, when I should be nesting for my coming baby.

I'm tired, exhausted and pissed. I only kept my calm because... I don't feel like being an irresponsible bitch. But yeah, I'm bitching!

I'm tired, I can't work and wife and mom at the same time. I'm not a superwoman. Not now.

I seriously need to quit working and start living. Been earning scraps for a shit ton of tolerance.

If no one cared for my condition, heck, I should care for my own! after this, NO MORE MRS. PUSHOVER!




Wednesday, April 19, 2017

counting days

just 2 to 3 weeks left!
Can't wait to finally meet you, baby~ 


my everything (literally) all kembang2 sudah..

Friday, March 31, 2017

Life as a (Pregnant) Wife

Cayang, help me carry these to the back.


Me waiting for him.

Him, on the bed or rocking chair, on his phone.


Literally, 10 mins later.


Oh, lupa!

Kalau sekali dua, xpe lagi tau... 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Nightly Tears

Being pregnant made me emotional at times.

One night, I got scared of labor and maternal death. I talked about it to my husband. He told me, I'm going to be fine. I want to believe him, but the thought of dying during childbirth scares me.

I made him promise to take care of our baby, and my cats. He tapped my face, telling me to stop saying such sad thoughts.

He hugged me long and tight. Giving me kisses and whispered that he is worried too, but he promised that everything is going to be alright.

I cried so hard that night. So many sad thought flooding my brain that night. My husband just held me close silently. He eventually started snoring.

I thought it's funny. So I stopped crying.

You know, it's kind of useless being scared of the future that we cannot determine. We can only prepare for the many possibilities. True, it's saddening and horrifying, but then, why worry about something we aren't sure of?

one of my life motto:

Can you fix it? YES. Then fix it.
Can you fix it? NO. Then why worry?

i asked again

I can be a lil narcissistic, but what gives kan? And towards my hubby pun.. xsalah.. lol!

So, referring back to that little chat I had with hubby, me asking him when/ at what age, was I most beautiful. He said, during that time, when he saw me at the Gempakstarz event.

I showed him pictures of me during that time, asking him if he was sure.

Seems like he misunderstood the question. He said that was the FIRST time he was attracted to me, not my most beautiful time. duh..

He then corrected his answer:

My most beautiful moment to him was during our Wedding Reception...

Fluttery hearts. ;p

Ok, Cayang. I love you.

Put, you narcissistic b**th

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

So Much Work

My brother in law (AKA my boss) and I talking about future projects and works need to be done...

Sorry Put, you're gonna be very busy until next month.


AWIN (his wife)
Put already applied for maternity leave by the end of next month.


(looks at me in disbelief)

Yeah I did.

But you can't..

Want me to give birth at the office then?

But you can work from home, right?

You serious???

Sorry brahh.. Need time to prepare for the BIG PUSH!

*I partially feel bad, though. But nature calls.*

Monday, March 20, 2017

Countdown Survey (PART 2)

Gatal rereading my old posts. Decided to rewrite this one again for fun.

Old post:


How did you get one of your scars?
I was making Lasagna when I accidentally touched the hot oven and burned my hand.
Just a lil.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
Gotten a surprise bouquet of roses from hubster :)

How are you feeling at this moment?
Cold, sleepy, sluggish, lazy.

How did your night go last night?
On the bed, playing "Guess the Song", 90's music version, using Spotify, with hubby.

How did you do in high school?
Ok, i guess. It has been 12 years...

How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
Bought it at a bundle shop. Bandoru Shoppu~

How often do you see ur best friend?
Every day, every night. :)

How much money did you spend last month?
Not sure if I spent too much or too little, considering paying bills and stuff.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
Married at 27, just as planned. ;p

How old will you be on your next birthday?


Your mother's name?
Sri Asmarani

What did you do last weekend?
Slept in, made brunch and went out shopping a little

What is the most important part of your life?
My family.

What would you rather be doing?
Pursuing my dreams to become a cartoonist.

What did you last cry over?
A nightmare.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Hugs from hubby and food.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Loyalty, love, and comfort.

What are you worried about?
Being a new mom soon.

What did you have for breakfast?
Bananas. Like the real ones.


Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yeah.... And I married him. #regretsnothing

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yup. And I married the heartbreaker. LOL

Have you ever been out of the country?
Yup. But need to get out more.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Yeah. But I seriously can't recall which was the worst.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
I don't think so. No one that I can remember?

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Hahaha! No.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Yeah, I guess? But, nothing serious?

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?


Who was the last person you saw?
My officemates and they're still here.

Who was the last person you texted?
My sister in our family WhatsApp group.

Who was the last person you hung out with?
Awan Kekanda, business matters.

Who was the last person to call you?
Awan Kekanda, business matters, again.

Who did you last hug?

Who is the last person who texted you?
The same sister whom I texted last.

Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?
Taufik Hidayat.


Where does your best friend live?
With me. :)

Where did you last go?

Where did you last hang out?
Leko, The Curve.

Where do you go to school?
SMKBU, UiTM Perak, and UiTM Puncak Perdana.

Where is your favorite place to be?
At home, with hubby and my furboys.

Where did you sleep last night?
At home.


Do you like someone right now?
I do. :)

Do you think anyone likes you?
He better!

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Do you know the muffin man?

Does the future scare you?
It does.


Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Because we're a match. :)

Why did you get a myspace?
I guess, my mom made me do it?

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
They didn't.

Why are you doing this survey?
Because I'm freaking PROCRASTINATING!


If you could have one super power what would it be?

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
Logically, a knife.


Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
I married my ex. #sorrynotsorry

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Yes. Yes, I would.


Are you happy with your life right now?
Yes, I am. :)


Cayang, we're definitely aging. I'm fat now.


For you ah, after all these years we've known each other,
when or at what age I was most beautiful to you?

Hubby thinking...

It's that time when we met at Sungei Wang, during the Gempakstarz event.

That time we accidentally met? You with Proff and Eno?

Yup. That time.

We were 19. That was the 1st time we met outside the campus.

Yup. That was your peak age and time.

I was 48kg!

Haha! Don't lie laaa...

Hubby was severely attacked by a vicious mad woman then.


Me during that event. I'm surprised tho... >.>
I wasn't even using decent makeup. I don't think I even had makeup on.

I've even made a comic of that fateful incident.
Guess I really made a good "FIRST" impression.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Need to Clean

There were few occasions where my husband and I would invite friends and family over to stay or hang out. We like having company around, once in a while.

Also on these occasions, I would try my very best to either book a cleaner a day before or clean the house myself. My husband would always bother me, telling me I don't have to go to that extent, as they are the people we're close with.

I realized I've developed this habit of wanting the house clean and spotless before having guests, and why wouldn't I? No matter how close we are to them, always keep the house clean for guests, because having the house messy and dirty, would leave a bad taste in my mouth, and don't even wanna know how the guests would react.

I just don't want them to go to my toilet, with it being moldy and slippery.. or smelly, like them public toilet. No! I want them to come and go comfortably and at ease.

Not to mention my reputation as a woman! I hate dirty houses. I am honestly not the CLEANEST, as my mom (who's a clean freak), but I try my best to keep my very own house clean and comfy.

This doesn't only apply when we're having guests around, it is also, for our own sake, I try to clean and organize everything, so life would be easier and nice.

This is exactly why I like small houses with minimal furniture and items. I'm trying so hard not to be a hoarder. I don't even like things being on the floor, like boxes or beanbags. It's difficult to vacuum or mop.

My husband doesn't help around much, and I kinda preferred he rather not. He's the type to do one thing and ignore the rest, like washing up all the dishes, leaving the fork and spoon behind, or cook but doesn't clean.. or throw away the garbage but doesn't replace the plastic bag. buat kerja setengah jalan, kata orang. urgh...

This is why I'm sort of tired all the time. Come home from work, to clean and cook, and clean again. It's almost never ending. It's extra tiring when you're almost 8 months pregnant. Sometimes, I don't even bother cooking or even cleaning. I would call the cleaner more frequently. Hubby would have to buy take away dinner for us. But, you can't blame me! I've been doing everything from before, so he has no say! LoL!

But for whatever reason, hubby never argue or whine when I asked for help, just setengah jalan je skit. Kena ketuk satu-satu, baru buat. tapi xpe, dia buat jugak. ILOVEYOU.

Ayah's advice

My dad gave me this advice after he found out I had a boyfriend in high school (I was 16).

He wasn't mad that I had one, just disapprove of it.

He said,

"I'm not saying you shouldn't experience these things, but, the higher education you go, the more people you'll meet, more great men you can choose from. Don't waste your time with things like relationships at a young age."

I have to say, I agree and disagree though.

But, what I agreed on was, if I am focus on what I'm passionate about, I'll find someone within the same range as I am.

It's not about, who's stupid or who's better, it's about, who's worth it..

Frankly, I'm not the smartest one in a bunch, but, I had time and space to see other things than relationships. And within that time, my husband and I found each other while pursuing our passion. That's how I like it. It's not blindly love and lust, it's passion and interest as well.

Thank you for that piece of mind, Ayah.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Tummy Table

Was surfing the net on the bed,
when I got uncomfortable and lay on my back.

Put laptop on my tummy,
and was amazed at the height it gave me.

"Cayang, look! My new table top!"
I exclaimed towards my husband.

"Jangan la buat macam tu. Baby panas la nanti..."
he scolded.

He's already overprotecting his child before he is born.

Ok fine.

Buat lawak sedih

Pergi Cameron Highland,
Nak cuti-cuti over the weekend.

Ambil apartment, ambil master bedroom.
Seronok ada bathtub.

Simpan niat nak mandi bathtub,

(Cameron Highlands had issues with JPA, water supply didn't come through.)

oh well, maybe next time, ok?

*merajuk inside

sad doctor's visit

So, I had my 3rd cramping during this pregnancy, and I skipped work today. I went to the clinic to claim my MC, also, to cry over some preggy problems, like back pains and vaginal issues (just gonna be straight here).

1st, I talked about the crampings, which doc said, it's normal and isn't too serious unless I have them constantly, like, more than 10 times within 12 hours. That's probably the contractions. For now, maybe it's just the baby weight and irregular exercises.

2nd, about my vaginal problem, which I thought maybe a fungal infection or something. But since no bleeding, discharges or any liquid substances coming out, which I know I don't have any, it's maybe just sweating, as preggers gets hot and sweats continuously (you bet, I do!! so uncomfy!) It's just body odor, which I'm really disgusted with. So, I bought a new herbal vaginal wash, and pray to Allah, it'll work.

3rd, about my back pain. I know, preggers has to go through this at some time, but it's really uncomfortable. I just wanted some solutions to relieve it. But, the doctor just shook her head, smiling pitifully over me. "Bear with it, just a little while longer. You only have 2 more months to go. No pill or ointment is gonna work on it, for now. Sabar ye." I was so sad to her respond. She warned me, no pills, no meds, no ointment, and especially, no massages. Just bear with it and rest when needed. 

At the end of the session, I asked for an MC, which she gladly gave it to me. She said I need rest. But she was also surprised, she thought I was a housewife all this time because I declined any MC's she wanted to give me before this. LoL. Me, housewife? I wish, doctor. Hahaha!

At the end, I came back home, had a good rest with my furboys. All is well, though, back pain is still here. ;'(

Just 6 to 8 weeks left! Can't wait to finally meet you, baby! <3 div="">

Monday, March 13, 2017

Praying for a better life

Let's face it.

I'm not really the most pious, obedient, or even a slightest good Muslim out there. I don't pray much, or even at all before. I only pray when I'm forced to, or simply just "pretend" to pray, by staying in the room, waiting on my phone, for the right amount of time that I'll be "finishing" praying.

YES. I'm that f*cked up. I deserve hell. I know.

But ever since, I got to my third trimester of pregnancy, I got this sudden urge to pray as often as I could. I'm scared to miss any. And even when I do, I would think of the consequences that could befall me, or worst, my baby.

To me before, when it comes to religion, I only took what would give advantages to me (which is very bad and selfish) like, Muslim women's right. I don't even read the Qur'an, let alone khatam, (no, I have yet to khatam, even once in my life). I can't even read it that well. I refuse to learn, as I'm occupied with worldly things like work and sleep.

No, I'm not boosting on how repented I am, nor am I expressing how lowly (or humble) I am compared to others.

I just realized that I'm reaching towards 30, am married and about to have a child of my own, and still how an ignorant human being I am towards Allah.

Just this morning, I was thinking about skipping my Subuh (because I was tired from our trip home from Cameron Highland), and all I could think about was, how sinful I am to even have the intention of skipping it. What if I die before I wake up for work? What if this one time I skip could cause me to give birth to a stillborn? Yes, I know, Allah is forgiving and understanding, but what if it's the limit of His forgiveness from all the sins I made from my youth?

Right now, I'm trying my best to pray as much as I can (5 times a day, in syaa Allah). Trying to be a better Muslim, and that's a good start for me. I'm also trying my best to dress better and to have a clear clean mind and heart.

Others might say, "dah tua gini baru nak taubat." but, I got to start somewhere.

Puteri Nurul here,
trying to be a better Muslim,
a better woman,
a better human being,

for the sake of herself, her child and her husband.

I'm sorry, Ayah, for all the sin I did, that you had to bear. And I pray hard that Allah accepts my repent, so you don't have to suffer because of me, in the Afterlife. In syaa Allah.


Friday, March 10, 2017

Gross Things I Secretly Enjoy (from Buzzfeed)


1. Peeling off a big piece of nail varnish in one go.

2. Scraping a really good chunk of dirt out from under your nail.

3. Crumbling off your mascara instead of using makeup remover.

4. Not flossing as a treat.

5. Wearing the same bra for several days (weeks?) and not giving a shit. 

6. Smelling the clothes you wore yesterday and realising you can definitely wear them again.

7. Using dry shampoo instead of actual shampoo. For several days in a row.

8. Just washing your fringe, and everyone thinking you’ve got lovely clean hair.

9. Picking crumbs out of your bra… and if you’re feeling really gross, eating them. 

10. Finding something even better than crumbs in your bra, like popcorn. Yum. 

11. Chilling out in front of the TV with your hands down your pants. (it's warm down there)

12. Running your fingers through your pubes in a non-sexual way.

13. Eating something that fell on the floor – three second rule. Or is it five seconds?

14. Keeping a tampon in for slightly longer than you’re meant to. 

15. Wrapping toilet paper round your pants instead of using a pad.

16. Picking dry skin of your lips.

17. Picking dry skin of your feet.

18. Weeing in the shower. 

19. Weeing in the bath.

20. Cleaning your body with wet wipes instead of having a shower, meaning you can wake up later.

21. Eating food in bed.

22. Smelling your own farts.

23. Picking out your eye goop and marvelling at the size of it.

24. Getting a big bit of ear wax out of your ear.

25. Not bothering to wash your sports bra because it’s only going to get dirty again anyway.

26. Plucking out a really tough hair on your face, and putting it on your mirror like a hunting trophy.

27. Squeezing a whitehead and watching a really long pus worm wiggle out. 

28. Squeezing a massive zit which hits the mirror.

29. Stroking a rogue chin hair.

30. Picking out an ingrown hair.

31. Staring in awe at all the gunk that comes out on a pore strip.

32. Waking up on Saturday, and going to the shops in your oldest, grubbiest clothes/pyjamas with no make-up and greasy hair. Also known as “Grossery” shopping*.

33. Putting fresh make-up over yesterday’s make-up which you didn’t bother to clean off.

34. Smelling your armpits and being impressed by the scent.

35. Whacking new deodorant over old deodorant instead of having a shower. 

36. Using perfume instead of having a shower. 

37. Dusting your flakey scalp and watching the flakes fall like snow. 

38. Scratching your scalp and getting lots of satisfying dead skin under your fingernails.

39. Warming your hands inside you bra by holding your boobs. 

40. Picking weird dusty grey stuff out of your belly button.

41. Pulling out a particularly long, wiry pube that catches your attention.

42. Looking into the toilet to admire the size of your poo.

43. Belching louder than any guy.

44. Feeling proud when you do a really noisy fart.

45. Wearing make-up that you bought about 10 years ago. 

46. Pulling hairs out of your bum crack in the shower. 

47. Spreading your stray hairs on the shower wall. 

48. Rolling stray hairs into little balls and throwing them in the vague direction of the bin, missing the bin and leaving it.

49. Cutting your nails, and not paying attention to wear they fly.

(23 out of 49. Not bad..)

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Friday, March 3, 2017

Bad Dream

I had a horrid dream, about hubby dying, leaving pregnant me...

It woke me up, terrified. I looked over my hubby snoring so soundly beside me. I pray to Allah, to let us live a long properous life together. I can't shake that bad feeling away. It felt so real and scary. I cried so hard, my nose got blocked, so I had to sit up to calm myself down. I know it's just a dream now, but the thought of something happen to my husband, terrifies me. I love this man so much, I can't even bear the thought of losing him.

Ya Allah, this must be because I took a nap during maghrib just now.

Ya Allah,
Ampunkan lah dosa-dosa kami,
Panjangkan lah umur kami,
Kuatkan lah iman kami,
Ringankan lah beban kami,
Tabahkan lah hati kami,
Bukakan lah jalan yang luas untuk ke Jannah buat kami,
Jauhkan lah azab neraka dari kami,
Hanya kepadaMu ku pohon,
Sesungguhnya Engkau maha Pengasih dan Pengampun.

Time to get back to sleep. Nightmares sure are tiring... 😑

Saturday, February 18, 2017


Baby's getting bigger, and clothes are getting snugger and tighter.
Need to go shopping!

But is it worth it?
It'll last 2 months plus je..?

*i hate pants now. Need to pee every 30mins... >.<

Friday, February 17, 2017

Braxton Hicks?

Oh man...

Although, I think I had one before a few days ago, but this one made me sick already. It's like having leg cramps, but below your abdominal area. It hurts every 30 to 40 mins...

Hubby thought we should go to the docs, but I thought I needed to do a lil research about it before spending RM50 consultation fee just to know, "IT'S NORMAL".

Apparently, I googled a forum and asked a friend, that it IS normal, and I'm to expect more coming soon. I needed to walk around or lay on my side to ease it, and drink alot of water. Unless it happens for too long or too frequent, with discharges, then, to the docs we go. I still got another 2 weeks before my next doc appointment. So, I'll wait till then.

I stayed home from work today, the exhaustion of bearing the pain made me sleep half day.

I also noted that to bear with this pain in the future, I need to exercise more, because it's only gonna get stronger. Oh boy. What a way to welcome 3rd trimester, right?

But Alhamdulillah, baby movement activity is frequent, so, I assume he's healthy and happy, and just can't wait to come out.

Ibu and Ayah can't wait for you too, sayang. :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


Dulu cita-cita nak jadi mermaid... at long last, the perfect mermaid tail..
for my most favourite place in the world : The BED!! 

Ayah dan Ibu

My hubby popped the question (?).

"Eh, so, tahun ni, kita boleh celebrate mother's and father's day la kan?"

Yes, cayang.. Yes, we can... :)

*2 more months to go*

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Let's Start a Family

I had a short chat with hubby the other night. Goes something like this...

Cayang, can I ask you something
(i would always start our convo with this to make sure he's paying attention)


Do you get jealous sometimes, at friends who has complete (not divorced) parents?

I do.


yeah. do you?

I do. I always wondered what would it be like to have dinner with my ayah and ibu sri, at home, home cooked meals...


I wouldn't call my family (or his) broken. Just not compatible. Some are just so fortunate to feel belong in a family still attached to each other. We didn't get to experience that. I didn't get to experience that my whole life.

but not that I'm fretting over the past.

this got me to realized, we need to love and stick to each other, for the sake of our child(ren).
I wanna be a complete family, forever. I beg for this. I'll fight for this. In syaa Allah...

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

That slight bump

Just wanna record,

4th January 2017

Your dad felt your kicks for the first time. :)
His reaction? "Damn...."

I love you both very much. <3 p="">