Am I Lazy or Burnt Out?

 Of late, my house is almost never as clean and tidy as it used to. Understood, with 2 kids, that seems like an impossible task (toys EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME).

But the matter got worst when I myself am very tired and burnt out all the time. This MCO really got the heck out of me. I cannot escape the house, kids, husband, work, and of course, clutter.

I should be grateful that during this trying pandemic, I'm blessed with a roof over my head, warm food on the table, and a loving family around me, but not being able to even have a short escape to be with myself, really taken a toll on my mental health. 

Every day, even before the day starts, I've already felt dreaded and tired. I wake up right before my time for work, even when the kids woke up hours before. It's a good thing, I managed their room so they have their own safe space to play, but they'd eventually come to me for breakfast. Hubby recently took up the role, and help the kids with what they need in the morning, milk, food, iPad, diaper change, and tried his best not the bother me. He even went out for a breakfast run and came back home with nasi lemak occasionally. Thank you, love.

But men being men, there's a lot of things that they don't understand about household duties, and of course, I have to do my part of keeping the house in check. Even though we're both working, he's still the breadwinner, and being the low-income person in the house, I took priority of taking care of the rest other than my work. I mean, the kids are still so young. One of us needs to step up for them. Maternal instinct I supposed.

Even so, I find myself neglecting everything and everyone, what we didn't need before, we need now, like a monthly house cleaner. I keep delaying chores, leaving both dirty and clean laundry, and only does them when they have piled up. I'm talking 2 weeks' worth! I also started to leave floor spots where if it is difficult to vacuum or wipe, I'd just leave it, especially under the bed and stove. Imagine the dust. I sometimes would leave the garbage pile up until flies and maggots starts to infest. Of course, when that happens, I would go and throw out the garbage before it affects our other foods. Every night after dinner, I would clean the house before we settle down, meaning clean kitchen, empty sink, cleared dining table, and uncluttered living room, but now, I wouldn't even bother to do it all and just sleep.

I did try to play games to relax. I play Genshin Impact almost every night, but lately, I just wanna scroll TikTok and I don't even watch them. Just empty gaze.

Also, I love my job. Been out of the work industry for 3 years, of course, I'm happy with my job. I was so happy when I have a 2nd life at the office, other than being a mom/wife. Adults having expectations and rely on me for work, it's nice. Even when the MCO started last year, I was still ok, vibing being a Work From Home Mom, having a laugh. But now, I don't feel it anymore. Managing the family and catching deadlines really drained my time and creative juice. I don't even have the mood to do my hobbies. Just day in day out routine over and over again, every day. Even the weekends feel empty. I've run out of initiatives. I'm just tired of everything.

I know what I should do if this happens, but because of this stupid pandemic, I can't. The simplest thing I could do was to spend the whole day out by myself, leaving kids with hubby at home. Not even meeting friends, just by myself. Watch a movie or hang at a cafe or when to a random event somewhere. The best is to go for a vacation, where even if the place is cluttered, I wouldn't even care.. not my house ma... a change of environment la, loosely speaking.

So, am I just lazy and making up excuses to not do stuff or any I actually burnt out?

COVID-19 and I

 END OF MAY 2021

Mika's school headteacher informed us that one of the teachers was POSITIVE COVID-19, so on that very same day, I rushed my whole family to the nearest COVID-19 test station and get our PCR test checked. We were told that results would come after 24hrs.

It wasn't even 24hrs yet when I got an email with the test results. I was concerned as it was only Mika's results that had arrived 1st for the first half-hour.

Mika was tested POSITIVE COVID-19.

I was devastated, panicked, and heartbroken. My baby was in danger and I cannot be near him, as Aqil still needs me. After a short discussion with hubby that night, we've decided that he would be the one taking care of Mika, while I keep my distance from him for his baby brother's sake. Only Allah knows how terrifying all these were for us. The next night, Mika was down with fever in his sleep, a low fever. I applied my essential oils on him, cold meds, wet towels and observes him the whole night. He's fine and chirpy the next morning like nothing happened.

I notify the school VIA Whatsapp and a couple more of Mika's schoolmates informed the group of the same POSITIVE results. The headteacher took responsibility to call the authorities for us, so nobody gets left behind, as most of us have no idea how to proceed with this. We were soon known as a school cluster in the news.

Soon the PKD called us to get diagnosed and swabbed again, and to received our pink quarantine bands. We were asked we had any symptoms and if we need to get admitted to the hospital or quarantine center. I prayed that Mika wouldn't get sent to the CAC alone since he's the only one POSITIVE, but with further questions and diagnosis, he was allowed to be quarantined at home.

Mika was isolated inside his room. Food and Ipad all, but it took him 3 days to get bored of it all. He felt lonely, and repeatedly requests for hugs. It was painful for us to endure this.

Not long after all this commotion, I started to notice something lacking. I wasn't as alert and was always tired. My 2nd swab test from the PKD came out negative, but it seems like something wasn't right. One night, I made salmon dinner but I couldn't taste it. I couldn't smell it. A whole whiff of nothing, even when the newly cooked fish was under my nose.

Hubby, Aqil, and I were on our 3rd swab test. Soon after, I had a call, saying that MY TEST CAME OUT POSITIVE. I lost my taste and smell. I felt ill and was down with chills and fever. I was tired and aching. Nothing was right. But, one thing I was happy about, I get hug my baby Mika.

Our quarantine was extended and it was a tiring journey of avoiding my baby and husband and keeping minimal contact with anything so we don't contaminate anything. On the bright side, I don't feel as sick and the ill-feeling all happened for only 1 night. Also, I got to rest from doing house chores, but I still have to work, since being quarantined was so boring, and I had nothing to do.

Our friends and family all reached out to us, extending their concerns, and sent us food and gifts. It was really a touching moment, especially from my grandma, who sent us a bundle of kitchen essentials, like a bag of rice, cooking oil, snacks, frozen food, fruits, and toys! TWICE! I LOVE YOU LAHHH, NENEK BONDA!!

After almost 4 weeks of home isolation, we went out to cut our pink band. Only Mika and I contracted COVID-19 and we were lucky to only get minimal symptoms, so now we're temporarily immune for the next 3 months, or so they say. Even after all this, we still only stayed home and only go out for essential things. Only Allah knows how scared we were when we got it, and we were lucky to lose only taste and smell, cause we wouldn't know if we'd get this lucky next time.

New Home

Alhamdulillah,

Our small family's rezeki.

Bought a home for the future.

Things can be scary now,

but we'll work hard to get things through.

In Syaa Allah

Mika Uthman's 1st Year

Fun Fact:

Most of these footages are Mika's first everything,

etc:-

first commando crawl

first crawl

first lemon

first ferry ride

first announcement

pretty basic stuff,

but as a new parent, 

every single milestone count!

Birthday Party

Dah lepas dah

saja letak sini.

note for future Mika

(if he ever finds this outrages blog)

YOUR IBU DESIGNED THIS!

thank god~

I am very much thankful for a very functional family i have right now...

I actually try very hard not to be a clingy mom towards my baby, and let my husband has his moments with his son, and by moments, i don't just mean playtime.

My husband learned to bathe, change diapers, make bottle milk, babysit (with me around) so i can get that very very extra sleep i wanted on the weekend.

my husband very much knows how i looovveee sleeping in over the weekend. Just the other day, he let me sleep until nearly noon. I know how bad that sounded like, but, i've been up and about every other day, doing house chores and parenting...

so, it's a very balanced parenting lifestyle we're doing, because parenting isn't just a mom's job.

i'm very thankful for the family i have now, and there is no way in this world would i exchange it for another.

i love my boys

Why don't I want many children...

There are many sayings that children are blessings from Allah, and a miracle.

And, with all my heart, I believe they are true. But it really didn't assure me that it's compulsory for me to have many kids, and I'm talking about 6 to 7 children of my own.

Many asked me about my future after giving birth to Mika (specifically, how many kids I want), and to many, I answered, maybe just 2 or 3 kids, max...

And boy was I bombarded with snake eyes and disses, saying that I talk as if I know no God or fate or even takdir. It's a sin for me to plan my pregnancy as if I'm seizing my rezeki.

Bitch, you don't know me, and you don't know my story!

Yes, I know, rezeki ditangan Allah. But Allah also gives us brains to think. I am not you, nor you're me. Our rezeki are designated to our lifestyle and conveniences. We're totally different people. Stop judging others, just because we're not like you.

You have time to care for you children, Alhamdulillah, Allah blessed you with time. You're so proud that your education is only up to SPM level, and you're living such average life, yeah, by all means, Syukran for you, for you have your own preferable life style.

I'm not you, I enjoy my life now. Sure I have my ups and downs. I wish to be a homemaker, like you, working random homely jobs, to stop when you can. But, no. I've been living my life like this, and you should not judge or interfere.

I feel the need to list down the reasons, why I don't want many children:-

1. Time
- Let's face it. I'm not the smartest person in the world, I'm also very forgetful and clumsy. I'd like to focus on my kids and know them individually. Imagine being that child always being forgotten or ignored because your many siblings have all the problem in the world to tell to your parents, and they just don't have time to deal with you.

Every child is important, and if I'm going have many just for the sake of 'having' kids, and not paying attention I'd rather have none. I want to know every wee and woes of theirs and get to the bottom of their problems. I want them to get into trouble and teach them how to get out of it. If I have too many, things are likely to get out of hand, honestly.

2. Money
- "Oh, Puteri don't want kids because of money. Such an ignorant woman to not trust in Allah's plans." - Just shut up, and face the facts. Things in this world aren't getting cheaper, and cheap things are often sleazy and dangerous, or toxic. I want everything to be the best for my kids. Best toys, best educations, best foods, best vacations. (In Shaa Allah). And trust me, I don't want to spend my whole life, working so I can pay menial stuff just to afford a living.

I want to enjoy my hard work payment with my family, to earn a fun and healthy lifestyle. I don't want to fumble around thinking of my 7 children's needs and only dreaming about life before marriage.

3. Education
- The most important thing in life. And believe this doesn't come cheap! What if my kid's dream to become a pilot, or astronaut or is a wizard born muggle and need to go to Hogwarts. Those need money, and who am I to stop them? I want to provide them with whatever they need to achieve, to become a human being, rather than being stranded, let dreams be dreams.

4. Pain
- I gave birth once, and it wasn't all magical ponies and rainbows during the contractions, ok. Low pain tolerance.

I'd rather have a small, manageable family than a big hay wired one. I've been into one, and I know what it's like. You don't come to me and tell me I'm ungrateful. I may not get everything I hope for, even if I try, but I'll pray and work hard for it. I know what I'm getting myself in to...

Every body for their own.

Parenthood: Beginners

So far, parenthood has been.. well...

EXHAUSTING!

No lie. My 3months maternity break is almost over, and not one bit, I feel rested (no joke).

Taking care of an infant need your FULL attention and devotion. Nap time, milk time, playtime.. not to mention I need to do my part as a wife too, cooking, cleaning, communicating. And there is that one time, I thought of taking a day break from everything, handing Mika over to Lily to babysit one night, just for a full night sleep, mother instinct just had to kick in, I MISS MIKA SO MUCH! I was listless, indecisive and so occupied thinking of my baby.

Even if I wanted a full night sleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, looking for my son. I don't know how am I going to cope, going back to work next month, missing him all the time.

Let me tell you, ek..
MOTHER INSTINCT IS REAL!

It's both tiring, but a full blessing. Thank you Allah for this opportunity to be a mother. It's truly magical and now, my reality. No matter how tiring it is, I wouldn't exchange this with anything!

Welcome to the World, my son

Name:

Mohamad Mika Uthman bin Mohamad Taufik Hidayat

Birth date:

27 April 2017

Time:

11.50am

Weight:

2.7kg

Sex:

Boy

Sign:

Taurus

Year:

Rooster

Our precious son 

i asked again

I can be a lil narcissistic, but what gives kan? And towards my hubby pun.. xsalah.. lol!

So, referring back to that little chat I had with hubby, me asking him when/ at what age, was I most beautiful. He said, during that time, when he saw me at the Gempakstarz event.

I showed him pictures of me during that time, asking him if he was sure.

Seems like he misunderstood the question. He said that was the FIRST time he was attracted to me, not my most beautiful time. duh..

He then corrected his answer:

My most beautiful moment to him was during our Wedding Reception...

Fluttery hearts. ;p

Ok, Cayang. I love you.

Put, you narcissistic b**th

:D

Tummy Table

Was surfing the net on the bed,

when I got uncomfortable and lay on my back.

Put laptop on my tummy,

and was amazed at the height it gave me.

"Cayang, look! My new table top!"

I exclaimed towards my husband.

"Jangan la buat macam tu. Baby panas la nanti..."

he scolded.

He's already overprotecting his child before he is born.

Ok fine.

Baby Face

There's our little baby...

Coming out soon :)

In syaa Allah

Ayah dan Ibu

My hubby popped the question (?).

"Eh, so, tahun ni, kita boleh celebrate mother's and father's day la kan?"

Yes, cayang.. Yes, we can... :)

*2 more months to go*

Let's Start a Family

I had a short chat with hubby the other night. Goes something like this...

Puteri

Cayang, can I ask you something

(i would always start our convo with this to make sure he's paying attention)

Hubby

yeah?

Puteri

Do you get jealous sometimes, at friends who has complete (not divorced) parents?

Hubby

I do.

Puteri

really?

Hubby

yeah. do you?

Puteri

I do. I always wondered what would it be like to have dinner with my ayah and ibu sri, at home, home cooked meals...

******************************************

I wouldn't call my family (or his) broken. Just not compatible. Some are just so fortunate to feel belong in a family still attached to each other. We didn't get to experience that. I didn't get to experience that my whole life.

but not that I'm fretting over the past.

this got me to realized, we need to love and stick to each other, for the sake of our child(ren).
I wanna be a complete family, forever. I beg for this. I'll fight for this. In syaa Allah...

DON'T WATCH THAT!

My 2 favourite thing to watch is forbidden now by hubster (because of pregnancy)...

Horror movies and pimple popping videos.

what is my life now?

:'(

Coconut Oil

Puteri

Cayang, help me apply coconut oil on my belly.

Hubby

Tak nak.. tak suka bau dia..

Puteri

But I don't want stretch marks on it!

Hubby applies oil on belly unwillingly.

Hubby

Besarnya...

Ni bukan habis 1st trimester ni.. Ni dah 6 semester ni..

* * *

Thanks for the unwanted remarks, Cayang. >.>

p.s: yes, I'm pregnant. :)

Things happened

A lot of things happened and I don't feel the need to document my life stories anymore. At least, not at the moment. I simmered down abit. To tell you the truth, it got a little boring right now.

and no...

I'm not talking about my marriage.. duh... That has been super! and private.. hehehe..

I'm talking about my daily life now, with work, chores, family and friends. Things has been a routine to me lately. Been eager for the weekend from week to week, and friends, let's just say, we, they, us, had our own lives now. Some of us catch up on each other, but seldom. Even we, my husband and I, sometimes, don't feel like going out anymore.

I'm abit bored with life now. I even cried to my husband that I wanted to quit my job, cause it's stressing me out, but he needed my support still. I was being selfish. I'm not the type to stay in one job for a long period of time. This is the LONGEST job I've been into. 

I was thinking of going into business. Been taking advices from my friends, and am very excited for it, but, with my job now, I can't find the right time and mind for it. This has been going on for months. But I have yet to give up. Pinterest been a great help to me, too. (wink wink)

Well, enough sad stories. My life isn't that pathetic.

My 3 boys are almost 2 years old now. Everyone who came visit us kept saying they're bigger that regular cats, and by bigger, they mean, FATTER! Hahaha!! Now I'm training them for routine diet, no more free flow kibbles anymore. My bad. But, they look so cute when they're laying around, flat on their backs, exposing their fleshy tummies. It warms my stressful days, everyday.

Also, last month was our FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. Was so excited for months! But, I was sent out by my job that very week. I missed it. :(      But I celebrated it still. Made exclusive dinner (was only meatball bolognese but fancy af) with sparkling juice, watch TV...... and stuff.. That was a nice evening.

Then,... OH!

My baby sister got engaged! Oh yes.. Iqin got engaged. So happy for her. She was pretty in peach, smiling, being nervous and stuff. Ah, I remembered my days.. so naive and sweet.

While she was going around being congratulated at, I, on the other hand, just got chopped, stir fried and served. All the gushes of questions. You know that question... Baby this, baby that... I had to explain over and over again, we're planning after a year of marriage, but since everybody knew it has already been a year, they kicked me out of the event (in the cutest way lahh), tell me to go home and do some 'homework'.. even told me techniques and bazingas. I don't really mind them, but come on la aunty.. not at a gathering... not at my sister's engagement party, of all events! GOLLY!

Been wanting to blog from time to time, but every time I sat down and open the laptop, I don't feel like typing anymore. Probably, all i could think of is my job,  now that it reminds me every time I on a computer. I appreciate my surroundings more, spending time with my hubby, cooking, snuggling time with my boys, extra sleepy time.

Yeah, it's gonna be awhile now... Gotta cook!!

p.s: Malas nk letak gambar.. just go to my insta...

Product

Hubby

Yang, if you were to have any type of product in the world, with an international celebrity ambassador,
what would your product will be? who will be the ambassador?

Wife

Hmm...

I like Emma Watson! She'll be my ambassador for my clothing line. Mega awesomeness

*insert blabbers about Emma Watson*

Hubby

oh..

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wife

What about you?

Hubby

Me? Well, 

My product will be named after me..

something something bin Taufik Hidayat

and the ambassador would be you.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wife

Was that another cheesy pick up line?

p.s: one of the few reasons I'm happy. May our marriage is blessed forever. In syaa Allah.

Sunny Ma Bunny No More~

Because of my tight schedule for work and personal playtime, I neglected my rebound love many times.. Im so sorry love...

Now, he's not with us anymore.....





 CHILL!! He's not dead yet!

My dad took pity of our situation, he gave my bunny to my aunt, thus making her, his new owner. I had to agree. Sunny isn't compatible with a grassless condo life with me. He deserve the sun, grass and a family attention, all which my aunt and her family can provide.

He is now happier his new family, which is the best for him. I miss him though. I heard he got new BFFs, a bunch of cats my aunt took care of. He even got a new name, Totoro (my cousin named him that.)

I know you're just a bunny and will never understand this, but you've been a special emotional aid to me all this while.. You heard my woes, saw my tears and laughter, my affections and everything. I'll miss those moments when we would sit together, side by side, on the darkest nights. You would some times run around and nibble me everywhere. I would snuggle you and you would just sit there, snuffling.. And when you're excited, you would run around so fast, then lay under a tree shade when you're tired. That's the cutest! You would get mad after I smothered my face on you until you got uncomfortable. You would just thump you feet so loud! Haha! Annoyed much? These scars you gave me, will always make me remember you by~

There's so much more... But the best is when you would kiss me all over my hands and chin when you missed me... You are such a puppy sometimes..

I miss you Sunny (now Totoro)

You are truly the sunniest part of my life. Thank you for everything. Will visit you soon ok?

my big baby boy~

Overpopulating Humans

Lets face it. The biggest problem the world is facing isn't climax changes or insufficient grounds. Its human population. From the earliest time of human records to 2011, it has been only up to 1.3 billion human being recorded. But from there on wards to the latest record on 2013, it has reached up to 7 billion! I'm shocked! We grow selfishly rapid and is eating up our own space.

I remember an advised i received not long ago (i'm not sure from who, really). We were happily discussing about my future wedding and marriage plans. I told her i prefer 2 or at least, not more than 3, because future education and living expenses must be expensive. She strongly advised not to do such planning as it is up to God of giving us how many children, and something about sex life (how in Islam, its taboo for the hubby to ejaculated else where). 

To my opinion, that is selfish and somewhat cruel. First of all, i have never heard such thing (about this sex thingy)! 2nd, Allah gave us brains to think for ourselves and to be independent. He will not assist if we don't work for it hard. Lastly, without family planning, you are just being cruel to the society and to your own family. Yes, Rezki comes from each of our children. But it doesn't mean that literally.You still have to work for it, and in syaa allah, it will come to you in a shape of gratitude. At the economic and politic rate we're are going, nothing will come cheap in the future, and surely, i don't want any of my future children to feel too much hardship because of our selfishness. A dinner for 5 is much more hefty to feed than a dinner for 10. Children of three is much more easier to keep track than 7 or 8. This goes to bonding wise as well. I surely want to nurture them and watch them grow up well than to feel like managing a boarding school. I've always believed that Quality wins over Quantity.

Yes! Family planning is very important and needed. Some people are used to big families, but, just a lil bit of family planning won't hurt. Too many children means some of them will be left unattended. Unattended children will feel unwanted, and usually, where do unwanted children go? To the abyss of curiosity and dark future. Unsafe sexs, crimes, abortions... It's sad.

All over the world, there are men, happily marrying multiple amount of women. Some have 4 (in Islam, polygamy is allowed and is encouraged if able) and some have more (probably the mormons). I have nothing against this, because i know its allowed if follows the rules of polygamy. But what i'm worried about is the uncontrollably amount of children they are producing. Some, each woman produced up to 12 children and some are able to reach to 20+. What saddens me is, most of the family here are on the brink of poverty. They hardly have space to sleep, enough food to eat and money for school. Is this fair? They may reach world records for production, but what comes afterwards?

Some say that it is important to produce as many Muslims possible, to uphold the religion. But even our prophet mentioned,

"Even when you increase in the public. But your conditions are like bubbles in the ocean. And Allah will take the fear of you from (the hearts of) the enemies and will be overtaken (a disease of) al-Wahn in your hearts. "

Bubbles, we are like bubbles, who are being washed away be our enemies. We may produce Muslim children rapidly, but judging from our society outcome, will we able to teach them to be a proper Muslim? Are we a proper Muslim ourselves? Do you think you will have time to teach 7 children when you yourself is still confuse about how to pray the right order (i know i am)? I believe (STRONGLY) that a good quality and educated Muslim is much needed now than ever, rather than unattended children, that you'll probably ended up beating for unwanted pregnancy and 'bringing' shame to the family.

You guys probably will be going like, 'hye Puteri, you're not married or have any children, so don't be such a smart ass'. Well, guys, i probably am right now. I'm just saying on behalf of human population, unattended children and religious statements of this matter. Children (or up to teenagers) may do or cause accidents because of curiosity and adrenaline (youth). But, look at it this way. Managing 3 is much more easier than 7. Why? Because every children have their needs. And sometimes, we overlook things. Which can cause many things.

And how do you think this rapid growth effect on our surroundings? This means we will take more space, more earth sources. Which leads to chopping out forests and woods, digging the earth soil everywhere. Then, what about the wildlife animals? What about the unsteady grounds we dug so much? What about the air we breathe? The water we drink? Are we going to rely on artificial food and products after everything is gone?What about poverty? With this many people, is there enough jobs for everybody? Will some of us escape it?

Back to human population. Its all about planning. Yes, we may not know what will happen in the future. Allah works in a mysterious way. But in the end, in syaa allah, it ends with a blessing. Amin.