One night, I got scared of labor and maternal death. I talked about it to my husband. He told me, I'm going to be fine. I want to believe him, but the thought of dying during childbirth scares me.
I made him promise to take care of our baby, and my cats. He tapped my face, telling me to stop saying such sad thoughts.
He hugged me long and tight. Giving me kisses and whispered that he is worried too, but he promised that everything is going to be alright.
I cried so hard that night. So many sad thought flooding my brain that night. My husband just held me close silently. He eventually started snoring.
I thought it's funny. So I stopped crying.
You know, it's kind of useless being scared of the future that we cannot determine. We can only prepare for the many possibilities. True, it's saddening and horrifying, but then, why worry about something we aren't sure of?
There were few occasions where my husband and I would invite friends and family over to stay or hang out. We like having company around, once in a while.
Also on these occasions, I would try my very best to either book a cleaner a day before or clean the house myself. My husband would always bother me, telling me I don't have to go to that extent, as they are the people we're close with.
I realized I've developed this habit of wanting the house clean and spotless before having guests, and why wouldn't I? No matter how close we are to them, always keep the house clean for guests, because having the house messy and dirty, would leave a bad taste in my mouth, and don't even wanna know how the guests would react.
I just don't want them to go to my toilet, with it being moldy and slippery.. or smelly, like them public toilet. No! I want them to come and go comfortably and at ease.
Not to mention my reputation as a woman! I hate dirty houses. I am honestly not the CLEANEST, as my mom (who's a clean freak), but I try my best to keep my very own house clean and comfy.
This doesn't only apply when we're having guests around, it is also, for our own sake, I try to clean and organize everything, so life would be easier and nice.
This is exactly why I like small houses with minimal furniture and items. I'm trying so hard not to be a hoarder. I don't even like things being on the floor, like boxes or beanbags. It's difficult to vacuum or mop.
My husband doesn't help around much, and I kinda preferred he rather not. He's the type to do one thing and ignore the rest, like washing up all the dishes, leaving the fork and spoon behind, or cook but doesn't clean.. or throw away the garbage but doesn't replace the plastic bag. buat kerja setengah jalan, kata orang. urgh...
This is why I'm sort of tired all the time. Come home from work, to clean and cook, and clean again. It's almost never ending. It's extra tiring when you're almost 8 months pregnant. Sometimes, I don't even bother cooking or even cleaning. I would call the cleaner more frequently. Hubby would have to buy take away dinner for us. But, you can't blame me! I've been doing everything from before, so he has no say! LoL!
But for whatever reason, hubby never argue or whine when I asked for help, just setengah jalan je skit. Kena ketuk satu-satu, baru buat. tapi xpe, dia buat jugak. ILOVEYOU.
My dad gave me this advice after he found out I had a boyfriend in high school (I was 16).
He wasn't mad that I had one, just disapprove of it.
"I'm not saying you shouldn't experience these things, but, the higher education you go, the more people you'll meet, more great men you can choose from. Don't waste your time with things like relationships at a young age."
I have to say, I agree and disagree though.
But, what I agreed on was, if I am focus on what I'm passionate about, I'll find someone within the same range as I am.
It's not about, who's stupid or who's better, it's about, who's worth it..
Frankly, I'm not the smartest one in a bunch, but, I had time and space to see other things than relationships. And within that time, my husband and I found each other while pursuing our passion. That's how I like it. It's not blindly love and lust, it's passion and interest as well.
So, I had my 3rd cramping during this pregnancy, and I skipped work today. I went to the clinic to claim my MC, also, to cry over some preggy problems, like back pains and vaginal issues (just gonna be straight here).
1st, I talked about the crampings, which doc said, it's normal and isn't too serious unless I have them constantly, like, more than 10 times within 12 hours. That's probably the contractions. For now, maybe it's just the baby weight and irregular exercises.
2nd, about my vaginal problem, which I thought maybe a fungal infection or something. But since no bleeding, discharges or any liquid substances coming out, which I know I don't have any, it's maybe just sweating, as preggers gets hot and sweats continuously (you bet, I do!! so uncomfy!) It's just body odor, which I'm really disgusted with. So, I bought a new herbal vaginal wash, and pray to Allah, it'll work.
3rd, about my back pain. I know, preggers has to go through this at some time, but it's really uncomfortable. I just wanted some solutions to relieve it. But, the doctor just shook her head, smiling pitifully over me. "Bear with it, just a little while longer. You only have 2 more months to go. No pill or ointment is gonna work on it, for now. Sabar ye." I was so sad to her respond. She warned me, no pills, no meds, no ointment, and especially, no massages. Just bear with it and rest when needed.
At the end of the session, I asked for an MC, which she gladly gave it to me. She said I need rest. But she was also surprised, she thought I was a housewife all this time because I declined any MC's she wanted to give me before this. LoL. Me, housewife? I wish, doctor. Hahaha!
At the end, I came back home, had a good rest with my furboys. All is well, though, back pain is still here. ;'(
Just 6 to 8 weeks left! Can't wait to finally meet you, baby! <3 div="">
I'm not really the most pious, obedient, or even a slightest good Muslim out there. I don't pray much, or even at all before. I only pray when I'm forced to, or simply just "pretend" to pray, by staying in the room, waiting on my phone, for the right amount of time that I'll be "finishing" praying.
YES. I'm that f*cked up. I deserve hell. I know.
But ever since, I got to my third trimester of pregnancy, I got this sudden urge to pray as often as I could. I'm scared to miss any. And even when I do, I would think of the consequences that could befall me, or worst, my baby.
To me before, when it comes to religion, I only took what would give advantages to me (which is very bad and selfish) like, Muslim women's right. I don't even read the Qur'an, let alone khatam, (no, I have yet to khatam, even once in my life). I can't even read it that well. I refuse to learn, as I'm occupied with worldly things like work and sleep.
No, I'm not boosting on how repented I am, nor am I expressing how lowly (or humble) I am compared to others.
I just realized that I'm reaching towards 30, am married and about to have a child of my own, and still how an ignorant human being I am towards Allah.
Just this morning, I was thinking about skipping my Subuh (because I was tired from our trip home from Cameron Highland), and all I could think about was, how sinful I am to even have the intention of skipping it. What if I die before I wake up for work? What if this one time I skip could cause me to give birth to a stillborn? Yes, I know, Allah is forgiving and understanding, but what if it's the limit of His forgiveness from all the sins I made from my youth?
Right now, I'm trying my best to pray as much as I can (5 times a day, in syaa Allah). Trying to be a better Muslim, and that's a good start for me. I'm also trying my best to dress better and to have a clear clean mind and heart.
Others might say, "dah tua gini baru nak taubat." but, I got to start somewhere.
Puteri Nurul here,
trying to be a better Muslim,
a better woman,
a better human being,
for the sake of herself, her child and her husband.
I'm sorry, Ayah, for all the sin I did, that you had to bear. And I pray hard that Allah accepts my repent, so you don't have to suffer because of me, in the Afterlife. In syaa Allah.
1. Peeling off a big piece of nail varnish in one go.
2. Scraping a really good chunk of dirt out from under your nail.
3. Crumbling off your mascara instead of using makeup remover.
4. Not flossing as a treat.
5. Wearing the same bra for several days (weeks?) and not giving a shit. 6. Smelling the clothes you wore yesterday and realising you can definitely wear them again.
7. Using dry shampoo instead of actual shampoo. For several days in a row.
8. Just washing your fringe, and everyone thinking you’ve got lovely clean hair.
9. Picking crumbs out of your bra… and if you’re feeling really gross, eating them. 10. Finding something even better than crumbs in your bra, like popcorn. Yum. 11. Chilling out in front of the TV with your hands down your pants. (it's warm down there)
12. Running your fingers through your pubes in a non-sexual way.
13. Eating something that fell on the floor – three second rule. Or is it five seconds? 14. Keeping a tampon in for slightly longer than you’re meant to. 15. Wrapping toilet paper round your pants instead of using a pad. 16. Picking dry skin of your lips.
17. Picking dry skin of your feet.
18. Weeing in the shower.
19. Weeing in the bath.
20. Cleaning your body with wet wipes instead of having a shower, meaning you can wake up later.
21. Eating food in bed.
22. Smelling your own farts.
23. Picking out your eye goop and marvelling at the size of it.
24. Getting a big bit of ear wax out of your ear.
25. Not bothering to wash your sports bra because it’s only going to get dirty again anyway.
26. Plucking out a really tough hair on your face, and putting it on your mirror like a hunting trophy.
27. Squeezing a whitehead and watching a really long pus worm wiggle out.
28. Squeezing a massive zit which hits the mirror.
29. Stroking a rogue chin hair.
30. Picking out an ingrown hair. 31. Staring in awe at all the gunk that comes out on a pore strip.
32. Waking up on Saturday, and going to the shops in your oldest, grubbiest clothes/pyjamas with no make-up and greasy hair. Also known as “Grossery” shopping*.
33. Putting fresh make-up over yesterday’s make-up which you didn’t bother to clean off.
34. Smelling your armpits and being impressed by the scent. 35. Whacking new deodorant over old deodorant instead of having a shower. 36. Using perfume instead of having a shower. 37. Dusting your flakey scalp and watching the flakes fall like snow.
38. Scratching your scalp and getting lots of satisfying dead skin under your fingernails.
39. Warming your hands inside you bra by holding your boobs.
40. Picking weird dusty grey stuff out of your belly button.
41. Pulling out a particularly long, wiry pube that catches your attention.
42. Looking into the toilet to admire the size of your poo.
43. Belching louder than any guy.
44. Feeling proud when you do a really noisy fart.
45. Wearing make-up that you bought about 10 years ago. 46. Pulling hairs out of your bum crack in the shower. 47. Spreading your stray hairs on the shower wall.
48. Rolling stray hairs into little balls and throwing them in the vague direction of the bin, missing the bin and leaving it.
49. Cutting your nails, and not paying attention to wear they fly.
I had a horrid dream, about hubby dying, leaving pregnant me...
It woke me up, terrified. I looked over my hubby snoring so soundly beside me. I pray to Allah, to let us live a long properous life together. I can't shake that bad feeling away. It felt so real and scary. I cried so hard, my nose got blocked, so I had to sit up to calm myself down. I know it's just a dream now, but the thought of something happen to my husband, terrifies me. I love this man so much, I can't even bear the thought of losing him.
Ya Allah, this must be because I took a nap during maghrib just now.
Ampunkan lah dosa-dosa kami,
Panjangkan lah umur kami,
Kuatkan lah iman kami,
Ringankan lah beban kami,
Tabahkan lah hati kami,
Bukakan lah jalan yang luas untuk ke Jannah buat kami,
Jauhkan lah azab neraka dari kami,
Hanya kepadaMu ku pohon,
Sesungguhnya Engkau maha Pengasih dan Pengampun.
Time to get back to sleep. Nightmares sure are tiring... 😑