Listen To Your Heart, You Will Understand

Friday, November 10, 2017

In my heart

Almost every day, when I look at my son, smiling and laughing, I thought, how lucky my son is, to have a family, people who care for him all around, to receive unconditional love. And I unconsciously compared him to babies who are tortured, abused, assaulted sexually and mentally, at a very young age before 1 year old.

I found myself teary and filled with guilt and anger, upon comparing my son to those unfortunate babies. I also question, will they ever heal if they survive such torture? will they be permanently affected by whatever scars they got?

To look at my son's smiling face, prying for attention, I imagine, what if my son were born from somebody else, with such abusive background? Where he'll get spanks instead of cuddles for crying? Where he'll be silenced instead of being fed for being hungry? Where he'll be ignored instead of played with, when learning to sit, stand or crawl?

I hug my son, praying and thanking Allah, for blessing us with him in our family. And pray that all the babies, toddlers, children and teenagers to be equally blessed with love from their family. Child abuse needs to end.

Mummy instinct gets stronger every day.

Monday, September 25, 2017

thank god~

I am very much thankful for a very functional family i have right now...

I actually try very hard not to be a clingy mom towards my baby, and let my husband has his moments with his son, and by moments, i don't just mean playtime.

My husband learned to bathe, change diapers, make bottle milk, babysit (with me around) so i can get that very very extra sleep i wanted on the weekend.

my husband very much knows how i looovveee sleeping in over the weekend. Just the other day, he let me sleep until nearly noon. I know how bad that sounded like, but, i've been up and about every other day, doing house chores and parenting...

so, it's a very balanced parenting lifestyle we're doing, because parenting isn't just a mom's job.

i'm very thankful for the family i have now, and there is no way in this world would i exchange it for another.

i love my boys

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

a letter from your newborn

Dear Mummy and Daddy

Please keep this letter from me in a place where you can read it and re-read it when things are rough and you are feeling down.

Please don’t expect too much from me as a new born baby, or too much from yourselves as parents. Give us both six weeks as a birthday present, six weeks for me to grow, develop, mature, and become more stable and predictable – six weeks for you to rest and relax and allow your body to get back to normal.

Please feed me when I am hungry, I never knew hunger in your womb and clocks and time mean little to me.

Please hold, cuddle, kiss, touch, stroke and croon to me. I was always held closely in your womb and have never been alone before.

Please forgive me if I cry a lot. I am not a tyrant who was sent to make your life miserable, the only way I can tell you I am not happy is with my cry, bear with me and in a short time, as I mature, I will spend less time crying and more time socializing.

Please take the time to find out who I am, how I differ from you and how much I can bring to you. Watch me carefully and I’ll tell you things which sooth, console and please me.

Please remember that I am resilient and can withstand the many natural mistakes you’ll make with me. As long as you make them with love, I cannot be harmed.

Please don’t be disappointed when I am not the perfect baby you expected nor be disappointed with yourselves when you are not the perfect parents.

Please take care of yourself; eat a balanced diet, rest, and exercise so that when we are together, you have the patience and energy to take care of me. The cure for a fussy baby is more rest for Mum.

Please take care of your relationship with each other. What good is family bonding if there is no family left for me to bond with.

Keep the “big picture” in mind. I’ll be like this for a very short time, though it seems like forever to you now. Although I may have turned your life upside down, please remind yourselves that things will be back to normal before long.

Enjoy me – I’ll never be this little again!

from: Babyology website

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

confinement and judgements

Hai awak.. lama tak jumpa lepas ada baby kan? best tak?

Best la.. tp tu la, kena la berjaga malam skit, dah 3 bulan tidur tak betul.

eh, awk nampak gemuk la..
muka pun dah kusam, mcm orang tua. msti pantang tak betul kan?
tu la, nk moden sgt, pantang orang tua xmau ikut. Kan dah jadi mcm ni..

*this mofo 'bout ta go douwnnn...*
BITCH, i'm already fat before i'm pregnant, you stupid airhead.
muka kusam? aku baru ada anak kot, bru je btau 3 bulan tido xbetul.
ko paham ke tak? ko ingat beranak tu mcm main bola ke? penat sehari je?
pale hotak letak kt lutut. mulut letak kt pantat. jaga skit la adab berbual skit.
ko xyah nk ckp psl tok nenek sgt la.. tok nenek ko bukan tok nenek aku..

sebenarnya kan, I had enough of people scolding others about confinements. yeah, nasihat boleh.. tp nasihat la, bukan ugut, bukan berbiadap. no manners kan gitu? aku pun boleh xde manners weyh. You don't accuse people based on their appearances. Muka kusam ke, gemuk ke, sakit tulang ke.. not everything is from not confining. smart ass.

I ask oni maa...

nak tanye, kenapa pantang ni asia je ada?
mat saleh xde pantang pun?
tnye je, just curious..

try la xpantang,
badan rosak nnt, baru tau pantang tu perlu ke tak..
padan muka... tok nenek dia buat suma ada sebab,
xyah nk bajet modern sgt.


p.s: i really hate org2 jenis #2 ni.. jenis xleh nk curious lgsg...

Friday, August 11, 2017

Why don't I want many children...

There are many sayings that children are blessings from Allah, and a miracle.

And, with all my heart, I believe they are true. But it really didn't assure me that it's compulsory for me to have many kids, and I'm talking about 6 to 7 children of my own.

Many asked me about my future after giving birth to Mika (specifically, how many kids I want), and to many, I answered, maybe just 2 or 3 kids, max...

And boy was I bombarded with snake eyes and disses, saying that I talk as if I know no God or fate or even takdir. It's a sin for me to plan my pregnancy as if I'm seizing my rezeki.

Bitch, you don't know me, and you don't know my story!

Yes, I know, rezeki ditangan Allah. But Allah also gives us brains to think. I am not you, nor you're me. Our rezeki are designated to our lifestyle and conveniences. We're totally different people. Stop judging others, just because we're not like you.

You have time to care for you children, Alhamdulillah, Allah blessed you with time. You're so proud that your education is only up to SPM level, and you're living such average life, yeah, by all means, Syukran for you, for you have your own preferable life style.

I'm not you, I enjoy my life now. Sure I have my ups and downs. I wish to be a homemaker, like you, working random homely jobs, to stop when you can. But, no. I've been living my life like this, and you should not judge or interfere.

I feel the need to list down the reasons, why I don't want many children:-

1. Time
- Let's face it. I'm not the smartest person in the world, I'm also very forgetful and clumsy. I'd like to focus on my kids and know them individually. Imagine being that child always being forgotten or ignored because your many siblings have all the problem in the world to tell to your parents, and they just don't have time to deal with you.

Every child is important, and if I'm going have many just for the sake of 'having' kids, and not paying attention I'd rather have none. I want to know every wee and woes of theirs and get to the bottom of their problems. I want them to get into trouble and teach them how to get out of it. If I have too many, things are likely to get out of hand, honestly.

2. Money
- "Oh, Puteri don't want kids because of money. Such an ignorant woman to not trust in Allah's plans." - Just shut up, and face the facts. Things in this world aren't getting cheaper, and cheap things are often sleazy and dangerous, or toxic. I want everything to be the best for my kids. Best toys, best educations, best foods, best vacations. (In Shaa Allah). And trust me, I don't want to spend my whole life, working so I can pay menial stuff just to afford a living.

I want to enjoy my hard work payment with my family, to earn a fun and healthy lifestyle. I don't want to fumble around thinking of my 7 children's needs and only dreaming about life before marriage.

3. Education
- The most important thing in life. And believe this doesn't come cheap! What if my kid's dream to become a pilot, or astronaut or is a wizard born muggle and need to go to Hogwarts. Those need money, and who am I to stop them? I want to provide them with whatever they need to achieve, to become a human being, rather than being stranded, let dreams be dreams.

4. Pain
- I gave birth once, and it wasn't all magical ponies and rainbows during the contractions, ok. Low pain tolerance.

I'd rather have a small, manageable family than a big hay wired one. I've been into one, and I know what it's like. You don't come to me and tell me I'm ungrateful. I may not get everything I hope for, even if I try, but I'll pray and work hard for it. I know what I'm getting myself in to...

Every body for their own.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Mika Uthman

ah~ my heart :)

Parenthood: Beginners

So far, parenthood has been.. well...


No lie. My 3months maternity break is almost over, and not one bit, I feel rested (no joke).

Taking care of an infant need your FULL attention and devotion. Nap time, milk time, playtime.. not to mention I need to do my part as a wife too, cooking, cleaning, communicating. And there is that one time, I thought of taking a day break from everything, handing Mika over to Lily to babysit one night, just for a full night sleep, mother instinct just had to kick in, I MISS MIKA SO MUCH! I was listless, indecisive and so occupied thinking of my baby.

Even if I wanted a full night sleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, looking for my son. I don't know how am I going to cope, going back to work next month, missing him all the time.

Let me tell you, ek..

It's both tiring, but a full blessing. Thank you Allah for this opportunity to be a mother. It's truly magical and now, my reality. No matter how tiring it is, I wouldn't exchange this with anything!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Dear 19 Year Old Me

Dear 19-Year-Old me,

You just entered your new semester in UiTM, Perak. Last semester, everything was new. New best friends, new environment, new weather (the sweltering heat OMG). New things to learn, painting techniques, history, and how tiring it was to climb the studio every morning. Nevertheless, this semester, history will be made, in your life.

The nervousness built up as you enter your new class, new classmates, all sharing the same interest, I think? Don't worry, everyone was ultimately friendly. You'll enjoy most of your time in this class in your lifetime.

It was around this time, too, that you'll meet the love of your life. You really do like this guy. Who is he? He's that guy you first met in BEL class. He was clumsily elected as class rep, and you're his assistant. You wanted to get to know him because you'll be working together. You turned around to greet him, and you asked,
"Topi ko ni, busuk tak?"

which, then he replied,
"Try bau la."

You naively, amusingly did, by the way, you silly girl. He was shocked and called you weird. You were the first girl to even have the nerve to smell his cap. It was stinky, FYI.

You and Topet became friends, or more like, acquaintances. Normal classmates. He was super talented, though. And not to mention the ultimate goofball in class. You like being friends with him. But you weren't attracted. You're still fretting over that last ex-BF of yours in Dungun. But nevermind, you'll get over him. So over, that Topet and he became good buddies.

Soon, you'll find out that he has a girlfriend. you'll feel a little frustrated, but, why though, you asked yourself. You should be happy, or even, not think about it at all. You got this super hunk of a guy that has a crush on you. Trust me, you don't want this guy. He asked you for a kiss, and when you refused, he called you a coward. So, nope!

During mid-sem, you became best of friends. It started with Eno, texting you, as a prank or something. Then, Topet started to join the conversation (using Eno's phone to continue texting you). You talk about everything together. You feel proud when he praised your comics. You became so close, that you hung out almost all the time. Yeah, you'll feel guilty toward his GF, but you insisted you did nothing wrong since you're just friends. Besides, Eno is there all the time (3rd party since 2009).

Towards the end of the semester, it's time to go home. Semester break for a whole 3 months. You'll feel heavy hearted, sad, and lonely. The whole class was the best thing that has ever happened to you. Especially, Topet. He sent you in front of your dorm, for the last time that semester (with Eno, of course). Ayah will pick you up in the morning.

"Jumpa sem depan lah. Papehal, mesej je."

He then, turned his back, and waved goodbye, feeling like one of his anime characters, dramatically. You felt a little tug in your chest. You felt like crying. You like this guy. But, you still haven't realized it. But you will, starting the next semester, and the next, and the next...

... until you both eventually got married. You'll be having his child, In Syaa Allah in May 2017. Celebrating your 2nd wedding anniversary, and your 10 years of friendship with the love of your life.

See, you really like this guy. I know, I do. <3 p="">

I love you, Taufik Hidayat. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Dear love,

My friend, my soul, my life, my husband, my family, my world.

You are my favourite person in this world,
together with our newborn son.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.
Provide me love, shelter, comfort, and hugs.

We've known each other for 10 years.
Who'd thought that all those years would lead us here?

iloveyou endlessly

p.s: nk tulis panjang2, otak tgh weng, dalam pantang lg nih.. ahax. just know that I love you very much!