Listen To Your Heart, You Will Understand

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Life Hiccups

in life, there will always be hiccups, where you have to stop doing what ever in order to control your own freak nature show. at least, that was what i did when i have hiccups. the real hiccups.

but life hiccup is different. because of you yourself, you decided to stop for no reason. probably the only reason is laziness or lack of confidence. but by the time you realised it, you're already covered with doubt, misery and guilt.

for me, i'm having a major one. for months, i am unemployed and i still have the will to build a family. i have now nothing on me. i'm feeling useless, stupid and can't seem to do anything right. i'm depressed. even when i try to bring myself back on my feet, there will always that doubt on my back bringing me back down, laying motionless in my room of nothingness. 

i'm sucked in. with no more will power to achieve anything. i left my blind ears back for people to scream at. i continuously promises to wake up for my deep wide eyed slumber, yet i can't decide when will that happen. my lips can only say words you want to hear but isn't really from the soul.

whisper. whisper to me. put my feet up against yours and walk for me till i can walk again. i need it. i need that most. no one in this world is really my friend. no one but ALLAH. i must pray. seek forgiveness for the ill deeds i have done. seek refuge from evil doers of the world, be it man or monster.

i seek shelter from you, ya ALLAH. make this sinner clean again, for you are the only one most forgiveful and loving. AMIN.

i am having a life hiccup. a major one, and i think i know why...

Saturday, March 15, 2014

10 years ago~

Lets see... #throwback
10 years ago eyh?

It was 2004, young lady at 16, secondary 4.

I was a happy goody two shoes girl. But nobody actually knew, I had my first heartbreak this year, when I just knew my 1st crush ever is going to move away to MRSM. Somehow, i knew that it was a mere crush and we would eventually move along separately. But I didn't expect it to be that soon. It wasn't a devastating, heart aching, suicidal heartbreak, in fact it was like a 'meh' thing. It was only one side anyway. We weren't even friends. Just someone I look from a far. *anime scene*

I have also lost a close friend of mine. My partner in crime in drawings. Her drawings were incredibly beautiful, and to compared to mine, it was amateur. But she never fail to praise me and to give me awesome spirit for drawing. We would just doodle away together. But her family moved to Perak and we had to say goodbye. Apart from my crush's transfer, my farewell for her was more saddening. We cried and held each other, saying silly things that she'll meet me again in a helicopter and we fly together to Japan.

Anyway, with that guy gone away, I literally wasn't interested to anyone. It should be a lay back year for me. PMR just ended and SPM is not until next year. The seniors called this period 'The Honeymoon Year'. The teachers really should cut us some slack. LoL. I joined as many clubs as I could, excluding the sports clubs. I was (and still am) never the athletic type anyway. 

Lets see... I've joined, the Karate-Do club, English Society, and Choir. I stayed back after school almost everyday even when there weren't any club activities. Some of my time I would linger around the school blocks, chatting with anyone. Then I would eventually loiter around the school botanical garden. The gardening club would always welcome me around, and I would voluntarily help with the gardening.

At odd times, I would just stay round the school canteen, chatting away with the canteen workers. Sometimes, they would be generous enough to give me free food or drinks (muka tak malu). I would play round with their son in the canteen with bunch of other juniors.

One fine day, a senior prefect called me. Knowing myself, I was determined to keep my school record as clean as I can, so I thought I've gotten into trouble, but I was actually appointed to be a prefect. Oh well, if that's so, that's it. I was glad tho, I didn't get into any trouble, knowing how mischievous my classmates is. LoL.

Speaking of classmates, after the PMR results, I intended to join in the literature class. I know my strength and I was very sure I want this class. The teachers insisted for me to join the economic class, as it suits with my results, but I declined. I mean, come on. Me? Economics? Numbers?? Nah... 

Upon entering the class, I was shocked. Oh hoo.. Now I know why the teachers want me to join other classes. Half of this class is filled with brutal and rather naughty boys. LoL. But after knowing them, no matter how mischievous these troublemakers are, they are very loyal and true. Sure they aren't academical smart, they have ways to show gratitude. Every night, I would tell my sister how my classmates were. She would get so annoyed and eventually ignore me. I mean, how could I not share? They were so comical and sweet at times. One time, one of our classmate had a terrible accident, and half of the class (all of the boys) would skip school to visit. This had gone for a week. Oh! I was also the vice class representative, and my 1st boyfriend was the class representative (coincidence?)

I had my 1st boyfriend in this class, this year. He told me he had admired me from a far since Form 1 (well, oppss.. while I was stalking my crush, he was stalking me). The funny thing is, I knew he was around when we were Form 1, but I literally thought he transferred school or something. I didn't know he was around until we got together in this year's class. Gosh I was so naive and dense! Anyway, he asked if we can be a couple. The problem is, I have never engage this sort of situation and i was dumbfounded. So I said, I'll think about it. For awhile, I sat in a corner, thinking, how does thing 'couple' thing work? I surely read too much of shoujo manga not to understand this, but for it to happen in real life? So, I went back to him and said that I'll give it a try. Not that I have any mutual feelings, but I'll try. There you have it. My 1st couple. But we had a lot to encounter. My lack of emotions and insensitivity always made him upset, and by upset, i meant cry. Gosh I was mean! Then there's the other admirer, which happens to be his own best friend. It was flattering but I was like, 'oh, that make sense. The hair clip, the watch, the cards.'. I just accepts them without any knowledge of whats happening. I just thought he really cares for me as a senior. *face palm*. My 1st relationship didn't last long though. Lasted about 3 months. I just broke it off. There was no mutual feelings and so, I got bored. Him, on the other hand, took it hard and became anti girls for months. Refuse to talk to me, and had this markings on his bag about how he hate girls. But we became friends again eventually, since we need to work together as class representatives.

Students around this age, would eventually select or get selected for a god-brother or sister. Not officially, but just for the sake of company. I, too, had a lot of em. To them, I was the tomboyish baby sister they need to look after, or so they said. So I thought of them as family as well. I don't have an elder brother or sister back home, so I appreciate them more. They would hang out with me at the canteen and accompany me drawing. I would also watch them play basketball in the evening after school.

Around this year too, I had my 1st penpal. We meet on a literal penpal website (i don't remember which site though). I was an internet noob at that time, so we only exchanges emails almost every week. We had similar interest in anime and comics, so we hit off right away. He's from Netherlands and he taught me a lot of things about his culture and country. That was my 1st time knowing someone out of the country other than Singapore. As exciting as it is, he too was excited to meet someone from the asian part of the world.

Those were the days where money, jobs and bills didn't matter. I had a good school life, and I have appreciated it a lot. Never a moment I thought of wanting to grow up fast. I just wanted to stay a school girl as long as I can. To learn to love, make friends, appreciate those little things we thought would last forever. Can say, i was a Blooming 16.. :)

This is my story, 10 years ago. Whats yours?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Fruits

i like fruits. Especially when they are chilled. I like every type of fruits.
But my favourites are the ones that are crunchy and juicy,like,

watermelons

golden pears

water apples

oh gosh im drooling.. someone get some tissues!

p.s: ok.. this is childish and random.. gosh~ ;p

I NEED THAT PS4 NOW!!

I made a promise to my fiancee to buy a ps4 to be part of our hantaran. 
I really dont mind if he wanna hogs it up later on.. 

NOT UNTIL I'V FOUND OUT THIS NEWS!!!


)

OH GOSHH!! IMMA HOG THAT THANG FOSHOOO!!!!

thats it!! 2 consoles please!!! when this game comes out, hell yaww its ma birthday!!!
AND DONT CALL ME TO WASH DISHES WHEN IM GAMING!!

oh my god.. the feels.. this nostalgic feels... im crying~ its so beautiful...
Tetsuya Nomura, you've teased us for years, but its worth the wait...

p.s: i need to replay everything now..

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

#pray4MH370

It has been 4 days since the disappearance of Malaysian flight MH370. No news since they vanished from the radar. Families, friends, colleagues. All worried for those on board. People makes many speculations, assumptions, controversies and accusations, but none of that can solve the mystery. Lets just pray (sincerely) for the return or discovery of the plane. We do not know what actually happened, but we can pray for our officers to find them soon, to report that they have found them.

How guilty i felt when, on the day this tragedy occurred, i was helping out at a Dinner event for BSN in Sama-Sama Hotel, which where the 1st press conference held. It is also where family members of the victims are suppose to gather. One man, pushing an elderly woman who seems to be hiding her tears, asked us where's the location of the gathering. Not knowing where, i told them to ask the hotel staffs. They went away with heavy heart. It almost brought me down to tears. While the event was ongoing for the night, families and travelers cross our way in a hurry. I just watched them pass by silently.



Recently, I have this strange dream. Probably just a dream. I don't really believe in interpreted dreams, as it can be syirik. But in this dream, the plane is still flying, but doesn't have a destination. The passengers and crews are all asleep, including the pilot and his co-pilot. Sleeping and flying is the sky of orange, white and blue. No injuries or harm, just asleep.

#pray4mh370

Monday, March 10, 2014

Overpopulating Humans

Lets face it. The biggest problem the world is facing isn't climax changes or insufficient grounds. Its human population. From the earliest time of human records to 2011, it has been only up to 1.3 billion human being recorded. But from there on wards to the latest record on 2013, it has reached up to 7 billion! I'm shocked! We grow selfishly rapid and is eating up our own space.



I remember an advised i received not long ago (i'm not sure from who, really). We were happily discussing about my future wedding and marriage plans. I told her i prefer 2 or at least, not more than 3, because future education and living expenses must be expensive. She strongly advised not to do such planning as it is up to God of giving us how many children, and something about sex life (how in Islam, its taboo for the hubby to ejaculated else where). 

To my opinion, that is selfish and somewhat cruel. First of all, i have never heard such thing (about this sex thingy)! 2nd, Allah gave us brains to think for ourselves and to be independent. He will not assist if we don't work for it hard. Lastly, without family planning, you are just being cruel to the society and to your own family. Yes, Rezki comes from each of our children. But it doesn't mean that literally.You still have to work for it, and in syaa allah, it will come to you in a shape of gratitude. At the economic and politic rate we're are going, nothing will come cheap in the future, and surely, i don't want any of my future children to feel too much hardship because of our selfishness. A dinner for 5 is much more hefty to feed than a dinner for 10. Children of three is much more easier to keep track than 7 or 8. This goes to bonding wise as well. I surely want to nurture them and watch them grow up well than to feel like managing a boarding school. I've always believed that Quality wins over Quantity.

Yes! Family planning is very important and needed. Some people are used to big families, but, just a lil bit of family planning won't hurt. Too many children means some of them will be left unattended. Unattended children will feel unwanted, and usually, where do unwanted children go? To the abyss of curiosity and dark future. Unsafe sexs, crimes, abortions... It's sad.

All over the world, there are men, happily marrying multiple amount of women. Some have 4 (in Islam, polygamy is allowed and is encouraged if able) and some have more (probably the mormons). I have nothing against this, because i know its allowed if follows the rules of polygamy. But what i'm worried about is the uncontrollably amount of children they are producing. Some, each woman produced up to 12 children and some are able to reach to 20+. What saddens me is, most of the family here are on the brink of poverty. They hardly have space to sleep, enough food to eat and money for school. Is this fair? They may reach world records for production, but what comes afterwards?

Some say that it is important to produce as many Muslims possible, to uphold the religion. But even our prophet mentioned,

"Even when you increase in the public. But your conditions are like bubbles in the ocean. And Allah will take the fear of you from (the hearts of) the enemies and will be overtaken (a disease of) al-Wahn in your hearts. "

Bubbles, we are like bubbles, who are being washed away be our enemies. We may produce Muslim children rapidly, but judging from our society outcome, will we able to teach them to be a proper Muslim? Are we a proper Muslim ourselves? Do you think you will have time to teach 7 children when you yourself is still confuse about how to pray the right order (i know i am)? I believe (STRONGLY) that a good quality and educated Muslim is much needed now than ever, rather than unattended children, that you'll probably ended up beating for unwanted pregnancy and 'bringing' shame to the family.

You guys probably will be going like, 'hye Puteri, you're not married or have any children, so don't be such a smart ass'. Well, guys, i probably am right now. I'm just saying on behalf of human population, unattended children and religious statements of this matter. Children (or up to teenagers) may do or cause accidents because of curiosity and adrenaline (youth). But, look at it this way. Managing 3 is much more easier than 7. Why? Because every children have their needs. And sometimes, we overlook things. Which can cause many things.

And how do you think this rapid growth effect on our surroundings? This means we will take more space, more earth sources. Which leads to chopping out forests and woods, digging the earth soil everywhere. Then, what about the wildlife animals? What about the unsteady grounds we dug so much? What about the air we breathe? The water we drink? Are we going to rely on artificial food and products after everything is gone?What about poverty? With this many people, is there enough jobs for everybody? Will some of us escape it?

Back to human population. Its all about planning. Yes, we may not know what will happen in the future. Allah works in a mysterious way. But in the end, in syaa allah, it ends with a blessing. Amin.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

War isn't Hell

War is War
and 
Hell is Hell

War isn't Hell
and 
Hell isn't War

Hell is for sinners,
who deserved to be punished,
decided by God.

War includes innocent bystanders
whom are sometimes clueless of what's happening.
Children, Families, Friends, Animals.
Wars determined by power hungry politicians and dictators.

In War
There are innocent bystanders.
Not in Hell.



Wednesday, March 5, 2014

conditions

There are few articles about choosing or evaluating your significant other:

# 20 Qualities He/She Should Have
# 10 Signs He/She Is Not Right For You
# 20 Relationships That Not Worth It
#5 Signs He/She is The One...
#bla bla bla..

I don't think its fair for many.. Evaluating and judging a person that you love is just so wrong. If you love him/her, its love. Whether he's a bad egg or a slutty bitch, if you feel love, then that your problem. You cant commit a relationship, hoping to change a person. You know what? Heck if that person loves you as much as you do, he'll/she'll do the best to treat the relationship better, and no one has the right to say that him/her is not right for you. Just putting up standards for a 'proper relationship' is just too cruel. Some people may not have all the Qualities in the list checked, but they still have every right to love.

Don't tell our SO to change because someone else said so (unless you're in an abusive relationship, by all means, dump him/her before he/she kills you). No love is perfect in this world. Just uniQue. UniQue and different, and always wonderful. Appreciate what you have or else the counterfeits will come for you. Forever artificial, lonely and unsatisfied.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Yes, Im human too...

This early morning, I've read an online article about how 3 girls of the same religion approached each other.

I personally considered myself as a stone heart-ed woman. I hardly care what others thought about me, and seldom take notice of those minor selfish happenings around me. But when i read this article, it made me reminisce the times before i wore my hijab.

The story of the article took place in a local college in Malaysia (obviously, because the scenario is familiar to a Malay environment). A young hijabless woman wanted to perform her prayers in a surau, but she accidently forgotten her telekung. She asked another young woman (who looks like she's done her prayer) if she can borrow her telekung for awhile. Instead of lending the hijabless woman, she dissed her so bad about her not wearing a hijab. She gotten so angry but she said nothing, until approached another well hijab-ed woman. Apologetically, she overheard the disses and scolded the mean woman for being rude and disrespectful towards another sister of the same religion. Egotistically, the mean hijab woman kept on saying that the hijabless woman is a disgrace to the religion and she doesn't belong in the surau. The nice woman reminded her that, even in hijab is worthless if their character (akhlak) is bad. The mean woman went away resentfully. The nice woman lend her telekung to the hijabless woman, and they prayed together. After their prayers, the hijabless woman thanked the woman who saved her, and the nice woman praised her thoughtfulness. The hijabless said she wasn't worth the praise as she is sinful towards Allah for not covering up. The nice woman said,

"The soul is much more beautiful if its protected. I understand that we need time to change, but bear in mind, that time doesn't wait for us."

This simple story almost brought tears to me. Why? Because it really happens.

I was one of the women who was often dissed and shun away by this community of hijabis. I dare to say that they are so pretentious, they stopped and was friendly as soon as they knew my celebrity parents. How 'nice'.

These narrow minded people are one of the reason i stay a low profile during my years of studying. One minute they hate you, talk behind your back, next minute, they want to be your best friend. fakers! Me, just being who i am, don't really take notice of what they had to say about me, but what's annoying is when they hover around, being close to me like flies afterwards.

No. I don't hold any grudge upon them, but knowing how these community works, they're giving muslimah a bad name, and i'm ashamed of it. That's why i had this ideology of, why should i wear hijab when looking like them is making me like one of them? Of course, that's wrong to think like that, and i admit i wasn't mature about it. Wearing hijabs or covering our aurah in general is wajib, and has nothing to do with others. We are judged (akhirat) as an individual.

What im trying to say is, there is ALOT of mean hijabis out there that would diss you so bad. But lets not forget about the nice hijabis whom are willing to guide people like me sincerely. People like my best friend, CheQin. Just thinking, how lucky i am to got stuck to my CheQin so early, that these other mean girls doesn't mean a THING!!

As i go along the story, as soon as the nice hijab woman came in the story line, whatever she advised or said, is almost exactly as what CheQin told and taught me throughout our whole friendship. She prayed and advised me nonstop, and never scolded me for being an airhead. I guess, her prayers are semi-answered (along with people who cared to pray for me, like my mom) (its semi-answered because i don't pray as well as i should.. still a big sinner).

To mean and judgmental hijabis, reflect yourself, and your tongue. Approach and don't shun us. And don't be a hypocrite. Nobody likes that. And to all non hijabis, its ok. Find a friend and ask for guidance. Its not that hard when you're doing it with a true friend. And to nice hijabis, help us, and in syaa allah, we too can show you the way towards Allah together. Islam is a Beautiful religion. Let make it happen altogether and maintain brothers and sisters till Jannah. Ameen.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Don't forget the Lotion!

I randomly remembered one funny scene during my e-day (seriously random)...

Topet bought my engagement ring, about a month earlier before the actual date. So i got a bit worried about my finger size (well, actually about my whole body weight).

Afraid that the ring won't fit my finger during the ceremony, my mom advised me to apply lotion on my hands, just to make it a bit slippery (bonus: soft hands.......).

Well, i was so nervous, i immediately forgot the tip!

So, when the ring wearing event took place (i was already nervous), my mom (who was sitting beside me), whispered harshly behind my back,

"Lotion!! I told you to apply lotion!"

OMG!! In that split second, i wanted to scream STOOOPPP!!!

I CANT BEAR THE EMBARRASSMENT!!!








but the ring fits anyway...
i wasn't that fat after all...



LOL! worrywart...