Listen To Your Heart, You Will Understand

Tuesday, June 12, 2018


People say, even when you're with somebody for years, it's a different story once you get married. It won't be as beautiful, romantic anymore.

I'd just brush those words off my shoulders. Topet and I are too close and lovey-dovey to be dull.

Boy, how wrong I was.. but, it's not as bad as I thought.

Yeah, I admit, we got dull and grey. Everything is a routine, and everything is made to be untold (meaning, things done without much communication). It got boring and the marriage got so stale, so we decided to have a child, hence, MIKA...

Once Mika came in, the 1st few months was the most beautiful moment. This is going to spark our family up again. But things got wilder than before. We are both new and still wet behind the ears when it comes to parenting, so there's sooooooo much to argue about. We both just won't back down.

Even now, I realized, I got more aggressive and angry whenever I talk to my husband, especially when he won't even pay attention, but I too, notice my own flaws. I get more disagreeable and unpleasant, not to mention emotional and negative. I'm not sure why.

But, one thing for sure, no matter how I think I'd get aggressive, I keep in mind, not to keep unwanted feelings under, or I'm bound to explode (undesirable) or fall into depression (very scared of). I share things with my husband, either he agrees or not, he has to bear this with me, it's why got married in the 1st place; to share.

My husband, on the other hand, can be sooooo... urghh... (but I love him so much, it frustrates me). He pays so little attention when talking, and really don't know how to sugarcoat words (not that I ask a lot of). At least, to listen to my opinions, rather than forcing me to scream it out to you. This is exactly why I like to decide things myself because he can be so unattentive and wishy-washy... I wish to just snap his PS4 in half so he can stop playing GTAv ALL THE TIME.

Cayang, I really miss our small pillow talks, about simpler things like aliens and the cosmos. Luckily, I still get snuggles when I demand it... I really wish you'd pay more attention to me than looking for money all the time... sigh~

Thursday, May 3, 2018

New Home

Our small family's rezeki.

Bought a home for the future.
Things can be scary now,
but we'll work hard to get things through.

In Syaa Allah

Mika Uthman's 1st Year

Fun Fact:

Most of these footages are Mika's first everything,
first commando crawl
first crawl
first lemon
first ferry ride
first announcement

pretty basic stuff,
but as a new parent, 
every single milestone count!

Birthday Party

Dah lepas dah
saja letak sini.

note for future Mika
(if he ever finds this outrages blog)


Friday, April 27, 2018


My baby boy turns 1!

Can't believe it has been a year already.
Things went up and down for sure,
but overall, I think it mostly went up for us new parents.

Seeing this human being that we managed to bring out into the world,
to feed, nurture, play and share many things,
is both sad yet beautiful experience,
for every blink, every hug, every snuggle, and tickle,
he grows,
stronger, braver and independent.

it aches my heart,
as much as it makes me glad to see him advancing.
I quit my job, to be a full-time SAHM,
just so I don't miss out any of his milestones.

He learned to salam, to wave bye-bye, to snuggle when asked.
He makes more expressions and impressions.
He has teeth now, and he grins wider than ever.

My baby boy, even when you're 10, 20, 40 or even 75.
I'll always remember you as a wee little boy,
grinning ever so wide, so carefree and full of love.

Ibu and Babah loves you so much.
Mueez and Mateen, too.

p.s: Ibu nak nangis typing blog entry ni.
Tapi babah kaw ni, kuat sgt lak dia gelak2 main GTAv dgn Pak Ngah Rezza kaw... spoil... 

Monday, March 12, 2018

New SAHM Schedule (weekdays)

Pretending to be sleeping while my son whines in this cot,
trying to wake me up.

approx. 8.45 - 9am
Wake up and Breakfast for Mika (with Storybots on TV)
Make Breakfast for Hubster, for work

Bath time for Mika
Morning Playtime

Mika's susu and naptime

Ibu shower / Watch TV

approx. 12pm
Mika up from nap
Afternoon Playtime

Send Mika to nursery
Grocery shopping

approx. 2pm
Clean house:
Vacuum / Mop / Wash toilet / Laundry
Freelance job (if any)
Do nothing / Netflix and chill / Play PS4

Start to cook dinner

Pick up Mika from nursery

Mika's dinner
Hubby back from work

A little bit of night playtime

Mika's susu and bedtime

Clean up after:
wash dishes and bottles / Mika's dinner mess

Ibu's chill time


Approx. 6-7am
Mika wakes up for susu 
and continue to sleep


Something about me...

My whole life, I have this odd love-hate relationship with Virgos. Just knowing people born under that zodiac sign gives me the icks...

As a Libra, we tend to TRY to be fair and just towards everybody. We're calm and collective, we're so-called romantic and spontaneous. 

Whereas Virgos, despite being just next to Libra, they're the opposite of us. They're ambitious and independent, very very logical, and especially wants everything their way, because to them, it's the best option.

My sister, my ex-bibik, and my husband.

They irritate me a lot more than they should, pushing me to my limit! But I can't help myself loving them, as much as they bug the hell out of me.

No, I'm not saying that I'm in a toxic relationship, I, of all people, should know what's a toxic relationship looks like (FEMINISM!). It's just that, there were times when I feel like choking them for killing my vibe all the time. They so tedious and tactical, they do things TOO strategically, things that they think is convenient for them, but definitely not me!

I, on the other hand, being a Libra, loves going spontaneously and romantically, like planning birthday pranks or going on a romantic dinner.. but no, they hate em, waste of money and energy. urghh!!!

Nonetheless, I love them Virgos very much. Just, sometimes, I feel like murdering them with bags of peanut butter!! (That doesn't make much sense, does it? But whatever)

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

why now la??

now Mika dah 8 bulan..

tetiba kan..

hati kuat je gendang2,

"best nya, bila next dapat baby girl? 
boleh pakai bows and dresses."

*snap to reality*

what the heck was that? 
another baby so soon for me?

trauma beranak pun tak habis lg.
tak yah cerita lah trauma topet tengok aku bersalin.


maybe when Mika's a lil older lah.
Maybe 3 yo, or 13?


Friday, November 10, 2017

In my heart

Almost every day, when I look at my son, smiling and laughing, I thought, how lucky my son is, to have a family, people who care for him all around, to receive unconditional love. And I unconsciously compared him to babies who are tortured, abused, assaulted sexually and mentally, at a very young age before 1 year old.

I found myself teary and filled with guilt and anger, upon comparing my son to those unfortunate babies. I also question, will they ever heal if they survive such torture? will they be permanently affected by whatever scars they got?

To look at my son's smiling face, prying for attention, I imagine, what if my son were born from somebody else, with such abusive background? Where he'll get spanks instead of cuddles for crying? Where he'll be silenced instead of being fed for being hungry? Where he'll be ignored instead of played with, when learning to sit, stand or crawl?

I hug my son, praying and thanking Allah, for blessing us with him in our family. And pray that all the babies, toddlers, children and teenagers to be equally blessed with love from their family. Child abuse needs to end.

Mummy instinct gets stronger every day.

Monday, September 25, 2017

thank god~

I am very much thankful for a very functional family i have right now...

I actually try very hard not to be a clingy mom towards my baby, and let my husband has his moments with his son, and by moments, i don't just mean playtime.

My husband learned to bathe, change diapers, make bottle milk, babysit (with me around) so i can get that very very extra sleep i wanted on the weekend.

my husband very much knows how i looovveee sleeping in over the weekend. Just the other day, he let me sleep until nearly noon. I know how bad that sounded like, but, i've been up and about every other day, doing house chores and parenting...

so, it's a very balanced parenting lifestyle we're doing, because parenting isn't just a mom's job.

i'm very thankful for the family i have now, and there is no way in this world would i exchange it for another.

i love my boys