Eldest Daughter

 I live a normal harmonious life with my loving husband and 2 wonderful blessings of boys, and hope it maintains this way.

But somewhere deep inside, I get anxious whenever I hear my husband raised his voice to our kids, not even scolding them at times, but simply calling them in a stern voice, or when he comes home from work, and he’s right at the door, I often scamper about, fake busying or hide in the room, unconciously. It doesn’t matter if i just got time to rest and lay about in my already cleaned home, I instinctivly do this. Mind you, my husband couldn’t careless what I do, as long as the house is still in one piece.

Why I do this, is often out of fear that he’d scold me for lazing about, or degrade me that I’m useless, which NEVER happens.

I’m sorry to say, but growing up, this was what I had to endure, because I’m the eldest and has to bear the responsibility of setting good example or whatever. I can never get caught lounging around or risk getting scolded for reasons I cannot comprehend. I was shouted at as lazy for taking short breaks after helping guests on raya, infront of people. Even after I’ve done with chores, they called me because they thought I’ve haven’t done, but found out that I had, but didn’t want to admit that they were wrong, they made me do it again. My door knob would get turned around because I locked myself in the room too much, and family members would just barge in my room whenever they pleased, and sometimes, my young siblings would play pranks and locked me in my room. No privacy but apparently I myself to blame, but when my brother did it, locking himself in his room for hours, it’s ok, because he’s a guy, and needs privacy. 

I’m not bashing my parents’ parenting skills, coz no person in the world are perfect. But never once I was apologized to even when they’ve misunderstood me or done me wrong, because “Parent must never apologize to children first”. It’s a real quote I was told to.

My siblings get away with alot of things, they could rebel, play jokes with them and just do as they with little to no consequenses. It’s unfair, but I was brought up timid and scared of disapprovals and discontentment. 

So now, whenever I hear my husband raised voice, I would get up and do unnessesary things, and when I snapped out of it, I cried in my heart, asking, why am I doing this?. There’s so many times, whenever I hear my husband foot steps, I had to stiffen myself to stay put and not panic, and nothing would happen obviously. He would just come for favours or snuggles. But there are other times when I unconsiously just ran I hide, then sadly laughed at myself for looking like a fool.

My parenting isn’t perfect, but I’m happy that my kids can still carefreely come up to their parents, asking or telling trivial things. I’m snappy and abit of a tigermom, but it’ll break my heart if my kids would ever try to hide from their parents out of fear or judgement.

Being strict and rightful is nessesary in parenting, but never in the expense of the children’s mental health.