Going Mental

There was a time, not too long ago during this pandemic, I felt tired mentally and physically. I didn't rest well and nothing seems to get done. There were always things to do. A forever loop.

The worst was that all these happening, and I felt suicidal. Not out of sadness, but out of spite. The thought of me dead, making my husband feeling that he should've appreciated me more when I'm alive, grew stronger and more sinister. But, with religion in me, I knew that isn't the right thing, so obviously I wouldn't do it, but still, just having the thought of it isn't healthy.

I lowkey reached out for help by tweeting about it, in the hope someone will reach out to me with a solution. Twitter is the only social media I have that I pour out my feelings since it's quite discreet from a lot of I know, other than this blog.

Someone did reach out and gave me a contact to a therapist. It's good that we've come to an age that mental health awareness is a norm and not seen as problematic. Everybody has problems they want to address. So, I made a call to set up an appointment, but the therapist wanted to know what she's getting into and what's my current situation.

She mentioned that this had something to do with my recent birth (postpartum depression) and current pandemic lockdown. There's just no space for me to ease my mind. Along with the conversation, I cried uncontrollably. I couldn't hide it. My husband saw me crying, then.

After the call, he demanded to know what's going on. It took me time and guts to express my deep emotions. He was shocked and angry. How dare I tell this all to a stranger?? He felt ashamed and that our marriage is broken. I didn't mean it that way but it could be that if I don't seek help now. He still frets about how could I talk to strangers about this rather than directly to him. I said, frankly, it has been too many times he just shove my feelings aside and said I overreacted. I rather talk to a professional stranger that can assess my situation, rather than talk to the person affected with uncontrolled emotions. To that, we WISELY agreed.

Before our appointment came, the CMCO started and cross-district isn't allowed. So, the appointment was canceled instead of rescheduled because Allah knows when this is going to end. I was still determined to get to the appointment until I was the changes in the household, well my husband, at least. He seemed much more understanding and helps around without being asked or delay too long, which is nice.

The changes he made, made all the nonsense thoughts of spite and suicide gone. I'm more appreciative and felt loved. He even gave me a me-time the other day, walk and dine in at a mall with my bestie.

What I'm trying to convey here is, get help when help is needed. 'Fraid not of judgment and anger, because YOU MATTER. Try to solve problems with the right people. Address and assess because, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people that need you ALIVE.

Am I Lazy or Burnt Out?

 Of late, my house is almost never as clean and tidy as it used to. Understood, with 2 kids, that seems like an impossible task (toys EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME).

But the matter got worst when I myself am very tired and burnt out all the time. This MCO really got the heck out of me. I cannot escape the house, kids, husband, work, and of course, clutter.

I should be grateful that during this trying pandemic, I'm blessed with a roof over my head, warm food on the table, and a loving family around me, but not being able to even have a short escape to be with myself, really taken a toll on my mental health. 

Every day, even before the day starts, I've already felt dreaded and tired. I wake up right before my time for work, even when the kids woke up hours before. It's a good thing, I managed their room so they have their own safe space to play, but they'd eventually come to me for breakfast. Hubby recently took up the role, and help the kids with what they need in the morning, milk, food, iPad, diaper change, and tried his best not the bother me. He even went out for a breakfast run and came back home with nasi lemak occasionally. Thank you, love.

But men being men, there's a lot of things that they don't understand about household duties, and of course, I have to do my part of keeping the house in check. Even though we're both working, he's still the breadwinner, and being the low-income person in the house, I took priority of taking care of the rest other than my work. I mean, the kids are still so young. One of us needs to step up for them. Maternal instinct I supposed.

Even so, I find myself neglecting everything and everyone, what we didn't need before, we need now, like a monthly house cleaner. I keep delaying chores, leaving both dirty and clean laundry, and only does them when they have piled up. I'm talking 2 weeks' worth! I also started to leave floor spots where if it is difficult to vacuum or wipe, I'd just leave it, especially under the bed and stove. Imagine the dust. I sometimes would leave the garbage pile up until flies and maggots starts to infest. Of course, when that happens, I would go and throw out the garbage before it affects our other foods. Every night after dinner, I would clean the house before we settle down, meaning clean kitchen, empty sink, cleared dining table, and uncluttered living room, but now, I wouldn't even bother to do it all and just sleep.

I did try to play games to relax. I play Genshin Impact almost every night, but lately, I just wanna scroll TikTok and I don't even watch them. Just empty gaze.

Also, I love my job. Been out of the work industry for 3 years, of course, I'm happy with my job. I was so happy when I have a 2nd life at the office, other than being a mom/wife. Adults having expectations and rely on me for work, it's nice. Even when the MCO started last year, I was still ok, vibing being a Work From Home Mom, having a laugh. But now, I don't feel it anymore. Managing the family and catching deadlines really drained my time and creative juice. I don't even have the mood to do my hobbies. Just day in day out routine over and over again, every day. Even the weekends feel empty. I've run out of initiatives. I'm just tired of everything.

I know what I should do if this happens, but because of this stupid pandemic, I can't. The simplest thing I could do was to spend the whole day out by myself, leaving kids with hubby at home. Not even meeting friends, just by myself. Watch a movie or hang at a cafe or when to a random event somewhere. The best is to go for a vacation, where even if the place is cluttered, I wouldn't even care.. not my house ma... a change of environment la, loosely speaking.

So, am I just lazy and making up excuses to not do stuff or any I actually burnt out?

Young Love

 Frankly,

When I was a young high schooler, I wasn't really interested in love. Sure, I have few crushes here and there, but even with my 1st boyfriend, I wasn't really into it.

I was always that otaku girl, reading comics and loving anime, and into collecting toys. Eventho, the comic genre I was into was school-love, I can't really shift that into reality.

The topic came up as I was scrolling TikTok and watched few vids of people's heartbreaking experiences in young love, typically between 14 to 18. It got me thinking how unappreciative of me to miss out on this, but I'm not sorry.

Other than my relationship with my husband, all my relationships rarely pass the 3rd month, and the problem was always me. I didn't cheat, I didn't like anybody else, I just lose interest in committing the relationship. It was all weird and fluffy in the beginning, then it turns into a routine, and so many rules and clinginess. It was boring that I have to entertain someone just because.

I think part of it is because I was an introvert, and I like my time alone. I'm not the gloomy, depressing indoor hermit type, it's just that 60 to 70% of my day, I like to indulge myself in my own little corner undisturbed. I love daydreaming and drawing, but I needed to sacrifice some of my personal time to date, love, and be a girlfriend when there's a relationship.

I was already crushing on my husband back before we were an item, but never to sacrifice my personal time, but with him, I didn't need to, instead, we SHARE interest. I was able to merge my world together with his, instead of dividing.

The point is, every time I watch or listen to stories of young high school love, I feel left out and a little bit of me regretted it. I wish to go back to the past and tweak some tiny episodes, just so that I would have some stories to reminisce. 

COVID-19 and I

 END OF MAY 2021

Mika's school headteacher informed us that one of the teachers was POSITIVE COVID-19, so on that very same day, I rushed my whole family to the nearest COVID-19 test station and get our PCR test checked. We were told that results would come after 24hrs.

It wasn't even 24hrs yet when I got an email with the test results. I was concerned as it was only Mika's results that had arrived 1st for the first half-hour.

Mika was tested POSITIVE COVID-19.

I was devastated, panicked, and heartbroken. My baby was in danger and I cannot be near him, as Aqil still needs me. After a short discussion with hubby that night, we've decided that he would be the one taking care of Mika, while I keep my distance from him for his baby brother's sake. Only Allah knows how terrifying all these were for us. The next night, Mika was down with fever in his sleep, a low fever. I applied my essential oils on him, cold meds, wet towels and observes him the whole night. He's fine and chirpy the next morning like nothing happened.

I notify the school VIA Whatsapp and a couple more of Mika's schoolmates informed the group of the same POSITIVE results. The headteacher took responsibility to call the authorities for us, so nobody gets left behind, as most of us have no idea how to proceed with this. We were soon known as a school cluster in the news.

Soon the PKD called us to get diagnosed and swabbed again, and to received our pink quarantine bands. We were asked we had any symptoms and if we need to get admitted to the hospital or quarantine center. I prayed that Mika wouldn't get sent to the CAC alone since he's the only one POSITIVE, but with further questions and diagnosis, he was allowed to be quarantined at home.

Mika was isolated inside his room. Food and Ipad all, but it took him 3 days to get bored of it all. He felt lonely, and repeatedly requests for hugs. It was painful for us to endure this.

Not long after all this commotion, I started to notice something lacking. I wasn't as alert and was always tired. My 2nd swab test from the PKD came out negative, but it seems like something wasn't right. One night, I made salmon dinner but I couldn't taste it. I couldn't smell it. A whole whiff of nothing, even when the newly cooked fish was under my nose.

Hubby, Aqil, and I were on our 3rd swab test. Soon after, I had a call, saying that MY TEST CAME OUT POSITIVE. I lost my taste and smell. I felt ill and was down with chills and fever. I was tired and aching. Nothing was right. But, one thing I was happy about, I get hug my baby Mika.

Our quarantine was extended and it was a tiring journey of avoiding my baby and husband and keeping minimal contact with anything so we don't contaminate anything. On the bright side, I don't feel as sick and the ill-feeling all happened for only 1 night. Also, I got to rest from doing house chores, but I still have to work, since being quarantined was so boring, and I had nothing to do.

Our friends and family all reached out to us, extending their concerns, and sent us food and gifts. It was really a touching moment, especially from my grandma, who sent us a bundle of kitchen essentials, like a bag of rice, cooking oil, snacks, frozen food, fruits, and toys! TWICE! I LOVE YOU LAHHH, NENEK BONDA!!

After almost 4 weeks of home isolation, we went out to cut our pink band. Only Mika and I contracted COVID-19 and we were lucky to only get minimal symptoms, so now we're temporarily immune for the next 3 months, or so they say. Even after all this, we still only stayed home and only go out for essential things. Only Allah knows how scared we were when we got it, and we were lucky to lose only taste and smell, cause we wouldn't know if we'd get this lucky next time.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

 My company CEO posted his childhood story about how his relative asked the "million RM" question,

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

This brings me way back to 1995 when I was 7 and teachers gave us a survey about our ambitions. As a self-evaluated dyslexia child (because back in the 90s, dyslexia was hardly known, and I was just a lazy slow kid), this confused me a lot. I can't even decide what I want the next day, let alone 20 years in the future.

One of the great-known abilities I have was drawing, I love to draw like any normal child would. Most of us learn to draw first before we write. So, I thought, yes, I think I'm destined to draw, I mean, I can't be a doctor or an astronaut? I liked to draw. So, a Draw-er it is (the actual word is actual Pelukis.. sebab saya suka melukis...).

Now, this is when it all started. I've decided I wanted to draw, but I also started to doubt myself, can I actually be a good one? I'm too stupid and slow. But what's written on that survey, surely it'll be in the government system. I cannot turn back and change (Thoughts of a 7yo child). I was anxious. 

Then, relatives started to ask about my ambitions. The more I tell them I wanted to become a Pelukis, the more anxious I get. Now, I HAVE to be this person. I HAVE to be a Pelukis. oh man.

I changed school a lot during my primary school years, so I don't really have good friends to talk to about this matter. That is until I found my first besties when I was 11. Only then I knew, that the survey doesn't matter, it's just a survey.

What I'm trying to convey is, while asking a child's ambition might be good for their focus, adults need to explain that it really doesn't matter what they want to be when they grow up, whether they want to focus on what they want to be their whole life, or they can decide to change later on. Imagining back the anxiety I got from thinking that I'm stuck to one thing and one thing only my whole life and all because of a survey that was compulsory to fill by a 7yo.

Now that I'm an adult and a mother, I make sure I remember my childhood day and avoid everything that gave me anxiety before from my kids. I made sure that Mika and Aqil know that they can be whatever they want to be (all good career lah, takkan penyamun pun ibu nk support?), whether it's an astronaut, a car racer, a construction vehicle driver, anything, and NOBODY can stop him from achieving them. I'm sure he will know what his ambitions are, and his parents will be proud nonetheless.

Not ADHD, but maybe

 Situation: working on laptop

"URGH.. my back hurts"

"Do I need to see a chiro or just book a massage?"

"How much does a chiro cost? Massage la cheaper..."

"Or I could just use my back pain as a testimony for my YL supplement I'm getting"

"hmm... how much commission am I getting this month..."

"Oh, Lily contacted me yest asking about a product"

"Speaking of Lily, Ayah didn't pick up my call last night. Maybe call him later lah"

"I hope he's doing ok... wish I can go visit him, but we're under quarantine now"

"what is casual contact means anyway?"

*googles*

"Oh, no need quarantine, but safer to just do it, ok..."

"Meaning food and groceries deliveries!"

"I should put that stool outside, so the riders and just put things on there and not just hang on my gate handle"

*strap stool outside to gate with zip tie*

"I need to buy more zip tie.. hmm.. does HappyFresh app goes to hardware store"

"Oh.. baby's formula finishing.. better buy using this app"

"oh, cleaners will be here Friday, I need to buy toilet washers"

"Think hubby still loves me, despite me not cleaning and cooking myself?"

"what? he married me.. he marries me to be his maid.."

"why cant he do the cleaning once in a while..."

"YEAH GIRL POWER! I WORK TOO YOU KNOW!!"

"Oh shit... my video's due today!!! 6pm alreadyyy!!"

Aqil

Mohamad Aqil Iskandar 

 

Aqil = Akal

Iskandar = Raja

Akal seorang Raja.

amin...

 

The only lady

 

know that I'm the only lady in the family.

*yes, there's 3 beds in the house, but we cramp all in one bed.*

Pandemic Birth

Woke up early for the day, to get ready for my weekly pregnancy check-up, with my back straining and my feet wobbly. As I sat down to pee, I notice a large amount of discharge fluid on my undies... hmm.. It doesn't smell much, and it's not pee.. maybe I'm just tired, coz sometimes, I get watery discharge coming out if I overwhelm myself.

Took a shower, listening to music, and got out to get dress, and there it is again.. watery discharge. Did a quick google and gasp...

"Cayang, let's go to the hospital."

"Why?" zzz(-.- )

"I think my water broke."

"Serious??" (o___o )

Since my baby passed his due date, our hospital bag was already packed up weeks prior. So now, we just get up and get going!

See, because it's the pandemic, a child below 12 isn't allowed to be in the hospital, so what my husband can do is to just drop me off at the gynae entrance and go home. It literally felt like he's dropping his kid off to college. LOL!

Before he went home, I had to get check if I'm really in labor. So, they had to check my dilation (Ya Allah, I hate this part), and I was only 2cm open, but my water did break, so I need to get ready for birth. Hubby went to pay the deposits, kiss my boys goodbye, and to pray for me since I have to be all alone now. I was really sad about not being able to be with my hubs at that time, but I have to be strong for my soon out-of-belly baby.

I settled down at my ward and change into the hosp gown. I felt fine at this time and was a little hungry. The doctor came and told me that they'll come and check my dilation again at noon. I ask if I'm giving birth today, and they predicted that I'll give birth in the evening. I was already imagining meeting my long awaited baby tonight. So, as I was nervously waiting for the time to come, I ate, made few calls, post IG stories, and call my boys at home. Around this time, I started to feel tiny tiny contractions. I could still laugh and smile at this time.

At noon, the doctor came and check my dilation again and said I'm ready to give birth now. I was wheeled to the labor room, where I was poked and pierced, and stuffed with an enema. All human dignity has gone down the drain, they even stuffed my urethra with a pipe and told me to pee. it was freaking weird!!! NEVER AGAIN!!

They asked me again and again if I wanted an epidural, and so many times I declined... until my contractions started to get stronger, and I got scared of losing energy and unable to care for my baby after the birth since I'm his only family with him right now. Also, because I got scared of being in pain alone without my hubby. Basically, I gave in and took the epidural.

After the epidural, I vcall my family again. Hubby was sending all the love and support he could give through the screen, and Mika being Mika lah.. so immersed with his toys, oblivious of what's going on. hahaha!

As contractions got stronger, I focus on embracing the pain. I remember all the advice my family and friends gave me, I sniff the essential oil that I rub on my tudung. The contraction got stronger and stronger, I felt like dying, literally. The pain was too much! I grabbed anybody's hand at that time to 'share' my pain.

Nurses and doctors came in and check my dilation, it was 8cm already, then asked if I feel like pushing. HECK YEAH, I WAS!! I pushed with all my might, trying to keep posture and compose. I try to experience every second of the birth, which I could with the help of the epidural. I kept on pushing, even when I felt it's too tight. I was already worried if my baby would suffocate if I push too late. I wanna go forward in time when I have my baby in my arms. I told myself, "just a little bit more, he'll be in my embrace. both calm and relieved." ONE. LAST. LONG. PUSH.

17 October 2020 | 5.46pm | 3.28kg 

A baby boy was born.

I gave out a long sigh of relief. They clean my baby a little and put him on my chest. He was blue, then pink, face and body all scrunched up, sobbing. All pain was gone, though, the doctor was busy pulling the placenta out, drain all amniotic fluid out, and scooping out coagulated blood, but I feel almost nothing, thanks to the epidural. They took back my son for measuring and cleaning up.

As they were stitching me up (1st-degree vaginal tearing), a few trainee doctors (men and women) came to watch the suturing, which was so awkward and funny. But it wasn't the time to get shy of men watching my vagina. It was torn and busted up. I threw my dignity so far since the 1st dilation check. I was just a subject matter. >.> I just lie there, legs wide open, looking at my baby on the UV ray table.

After the doctors were done, I was given milo and biscuit and was left alone to gain my energy again. I made a video call to my husband (who was worried sick, because I wasn't replying to his texts. DUHH.. tgh teran kot). He was obviously very happy. He wanted to come to the hospital to meet his new son, but I wasn't sure where he can leave Mika, since kids aren't allowed in.

Nurses came to help me get back to my ward to rest. They told me to be careful because the epidural is still in effect, which can make some part of me numb. I thought I feel fine, but the nurses insisted to support me, which luckily they did because as I started to stand up, my left leg gave up on me. I couldn't feel it!! There was no sensation to it! I laugh it out, and the nurses wanted to cry as they thought they could've dropped me. haha!

I was wheeled in bed back to the ward with my new baby in my arms. Hubby called, telling me he's on his way. I asked where's Mika, he left him at the neighbors' house. He insisted on coming! hahah!!

Hubby came and azan my child, bought food for the night. he was so happy with the birth. He praised me and thanked me, kissed me, then ignored me for the baby >.<.  He told me, I looked much better and energetic than my first birth. It's probably because I'd already known what to expect, also, there's the epidural again... He went home soon after.

That night, everything felt surreal, This morning, the baby was still in me, and not even 24hrs later, the baby was in my arm. 

I was discharged from the hospital the next afternoon after all the vital check-ups.

Now, we're a family of 4 ;)