Listen To Your Heart, You Will Understand

Thursday, November 14, 2013

How we confessed

I've always been that girl who can not stay in a relationship for more than 3 months. Even if the guy was my best friend for years. I'm that type to leave when i feel it won't work between us. It was never about another guy or girl. Never about fights or arguments. But there's this one particular guy that broke the record.

I started eyeing this guy from our early acquaintance times. He's creative, funny, cute and very helpful. He took notice of me when he realized that i was kind of helpless in designs. He was my classmate after all, and that's how it all began.

He was generous about his knowledge of design and i was very keen to know more. He invited me to a one-on-one Photoshop tutoring and he was strict on it. He taught me a lot! He made me practice and gave me extra assignments even though i have a lot more to do. I was going half mad and pissed, but i keep in mind that he actually took his personal time off to tutor me. He didn't even ask me to repay him in any sort of way. He was sincere.

Not long after, i knew he had a girlfriend. I thought, "Oh come on! Of course he has a girlfriend! He's bound to have one. A good looking one, too." So, I decided to back of a little bit and line my limits. Before i had any serious feelings for him.

But as time goes by, he naturally comes to me, claiming i'm his best friend. I was delighted with the title. Too delighted perhaps, that friends around me started to notice something. They reminded me that he has a girlfriend. I do realized, some times, i tend to forget that. That was when i started to feel more lonely and filled with jealousy and ego. I started questioning the typical jealous girl questions. "What does she have that i don't? What does he sees in her? Does time gap between me and him, and her and him, really makes that much differences?" Yes! I questioned those things. But really, i slapped myself into reality. Why on earth must i question these things? If she's is making him happy, i'm happy for them. I may sound like a hypocrite, but at least i don't ruin other people's relationship, despite my previous relationship history. 

This push pull, love hate relationship i had with myself was unbearable until i can't take it anymore by the time we were in our final semester. This was my most crucial time of my Diploma years. I had an argument with my mother and father. I was financially broke for final year assessments and survival. I was crying so bad almost every night. Sleepless nights from assignments. Throughout everything, CheQin (my bestie) and him helped me a lot! Like really A LOT! They were my savior, my life savior. They helped me escape this awful reality. If it wasn't for them, i would have quit, even though i was only days away from completing my studies. 

All of his effort of helping me, made me fall for him even harder, which is bad, considering he has a girl friend. He even told me that he cares and he is willing to do anything to help, even if i have no place to stay (in case i refuse to go back to KL), he was willing to take me back to Penang with him and let me stay with his friend. How on earth could i NOT fall for him at this rate? I strictly told myself No! I need to get myself straight. I can't do this. So, i decided to leave him for good after we finish our studies. I decided not to continue my studies in the same course and to cut any connection with him after. My wish for him to be happy with his girlfriend was sincere. Honestly.

Since i decided to leave him, i'v gotten much friendlier to him (not flirting, i think?), just my little goodbye gesture for him. I made him happy as a friend. Laughs with him, work with him, studied together. It was sad for me, so i went all out! Made him a special friend, made him happy, for my own benefit. Few days later, he told me, he broke up his girl friend. I protested. I wasn't sure why and i don't want to ask, but i thought, why put him into pressure when he's very near to our most important presentation ever? It wasn't fair, thus, i wasn't in place to question other's personal problems.

Days went by and we finished our final project presentation, so we celebrated with our friends. We went for an all-nighter outdoors. We planned that each one of us to buy a gift, and give it to whoever gets it in a game. We split up in a mall, and he caught up with me. We were looking and chatting and all. Boy, was my heart beating as hell! I just can't keep it to myself anymore. I was at my limit. In my head, all the words and planning jumbles up, i just don't know how to say it. He eventually noticed my awkwardness. How my heart beating like it wants to burst. My head was malfunctioning. I wasn't sure what was wrong. Seriously, this has NEVER happened to me. NEVER! I have never liked a guy so much, i feel like dying. I was in a serious dilemma. If i said it, what will he think of me? Will he hate me? Will he think that i just want to hook up with him because he just broke up? What will my other friends say? A man snatcher? I love my friends so much, i don't want them to think i'm bad. But if i don't tell him, doesn't it mean i'm hurting myself? Besides, i'm going to leave him anyway, whether he likes it or not. I'm going all out! I'v only got 2 days left before i go back to KL. Now or never!

I pinched the back of his shirt, which put us on halt, in the middle of the mall. He wanted to turn around but i told him not to. I was sweating and nervous. My mind went blank and the only words that came out was, "aku suka kt kau (i like you)". The funny thing is, despite that it took all my guts and effort to say those words, he didn't hear it clearly and asked me to repeat. Can't blame him though. We were in a mall. It was noisy and loud. I chose my words again and repeated. This time, he heard me, and wanted to turn around. I begged him not to, but he insisted. He pulled me by the side. I just hid my face behind my hair, refused to look at him. My face was hot! I was blushing so bad, i can't look at him, but he insisted. He said he wanted to see my face. Straight to my no make up, messy hair and pale black lips, he said, "aku pun suka kt kau sebenarnya (i actually like you too)". 

I stopped breathing a bit. I couldn't believe what i'v heard. I was overjoyed and deliriously happy. I started grinning to myself, and he reached for my hand. We were walking hand in hand! It was the greatest feeling ever. But what if our friends sees us? What would they say? I was nervous and wanted to let go. I looked at him and he was looking back. We let go together. We knew it was too early and was a bad idea to let them know like this.

Our friends soon knew in our guessing game at the end. Some of them was pleased and some protested. But overall, we had their blessings, which means a lot to me. 

We had a few rough bumps on and off, here and there after that. But i will never forget how we confessed. Sure it wasn't by the beach or under the stars, but i treasure those times most. Throughout our hardships and togetherness, I'm blessed to have you in my life, Mohamad Taufik Hidayat. Happy 3rd Anniversary.

With Love
Puteri Nurul

p.s: all of this are true. I'm neither an angel, nor a devil. i'm only human. I admit i was bad and too rushed. But Alhamdulillah, we're happy now. The most important moment is NOW.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love u too... past n future.... :)
Happy anniversary to us yg... May good things come ahead of us with His blessing... Insyaa Allah :)

Im thankful for those sweets and colorful memory from u...
Im deeply sorry for those bitter and sourness that i serve...
Im lucky to have such a beautiful soul beside me like u....
Ill try my best to give my all just like what u deserve...