lazy ass to the bone...

i just lost count on how many times in my life have i referred to myself as fat and lazy. and still, there just isn't much effort or enthusiasm in me to actually pick up the ass and lose weight. of course i did jog and done Pilates... but none of em actually maintain at least 3 days... goner!! im not really a patient person, so kind of expected fast results. if it isn't working, im done. major problem..

and my boyfriend,

i know how much he loves me and met well about myself. but he... (sob sob) would always complain if i eat too little. its like,

Puteri

i think i'll just have the mushroom soup and salad.

Taufik

what? no! have a proper meal! order rice, NOW!

i love you so much Cayang, but... why???

of course, partly my fault for ordering too much sometimes, but i could at least have it take away and eat it later, don't force me to eat it! coz it'll end up, me having a super bulge under my shirt, and its not the boobies... :(

also, im so unmotivated to do any exercising activity, especially when im alone, or fasting (this month). i would just stuff food in my face, complaining how big my thigh is, or this tummy, or my butt or this cursed double chin, and still cant get the freaking up in the morning. YES, I CANT GET UP I THE MORNING! why? COZ I CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT. i'll end up sleeping by 6 or 7 am (after sahur) the waking up in the evening like, 3 or 4 pm... how am i suppose to help myself if im like this???

my unhealthy option was taking Dulcolax (laxative meds) to wash out my stomach everyday (means, pooping diarrhea on purpose). it had me feeling good, and happy when i go on my scale, but then i realized, of course this thing/method would have a side effect. so now, i seldom take em, sort of.

my weight now is 55 to 56kg.. my aim is 50 to 51. need to shape up!!! >,<

p.s: i know i can do it if i just put my mind in to it! no more fatness man!! enough!!