Hugs

 When I was younger, I always felt a tad jealous of siblings or friends who were able to hug their parents freely and at any time.

Frankly, it's mainly because I grew up away from my bio mom. Of course, my stepmom was kind and nurturing, but you don't really get the same kind of loving from a mom who birthed you. You don't get the random snuggles and kisses.

But, sure, I get hugs from dad, with the occasional bedtime stories and stuff, but he works so much, we hardly have quality time together. And when my boobies started to grow at the tender age of 10, I got shy and insecure, so I couldn't really confide in him, let alone hug.

When I got married, I realised I really yearn for deep hugs. The snuggles, the deep breath-in embrace, the under-his-neck hug. Huh, no wonder I cannot sleep without a bolster la kan?

Now, as a mother, I hug my kids more than they ask for. I urge their dad to get used to it too, because I know there will come a time when they'll be too shy to hug their mother, because...yeah. But their dad can hug them more, and I hope they maintain that forever.

Strong Feels

 I miss it.

Feeling feelings. 

Those strong emotions and deep sentations we feel when we were younger.

We feel almost everything to the extreme. Shock, joy, sadness, love and hate.

I miss that sensation of having a crush. That intense feeling of jealousy. That excitement of having loved back. When things were new, fresh and adventurous. 

Nothing confirmed, nothing set in stone, yet we embraced it like no tomorrow. We gave all and get some back.

I also miss the energy. For friendships, situationships and relationships. Calls until the wee hours of night. Nightly lepak mamak even with morning class next day. Secret dumping our hearts out. All of that. We had so much time for all the feels, and yet it felt so packed, nothing was spared.

Now, as things going dull with time, the calm is approaching with age. We seem to love most but care less. We managed emotions smarter and wiser, from the times we had before, but the sense of adventure is getting less. We learned what and what not to do, we know how things will happen and feels like. We avoid risks and damaging relations. We’re wiser now, but where’s the thrill in that?

I wish to experience things the first time again. 

Family Feud

 It has been a while. A very long while.

The caretaker who took me in when I was little turned something in me into stone. No longer feeling compelled to please nor to endure.

Every single year,

Every single meet-up,

I would receive the same response, the same discrimination, the same judgment.

"Who is this?"

"I don't know this person."

"I hate you. I don't care about you."

And almost every time, I would have to butter up with gifts and compliments. Others told me to endure it; she's old. But she's VERY vocal and persistent. And I'm through.

I cannot even drive very far. I have a hard time travelling around. And when we do meet, I'd hardly bring my kids, as I refuse to let them even witness me being degraded and emotionally spat at. I refuse to let my husband be the anxiety drainer over this matter. And some people are just enablers...

They all called me to get over it. It's not about me. But what's wrong with thinking about me? What's wrong with trying not to get rejected at every single appearance? 

And you know what's funny? We basically have to BEG for your time to meet. Chase you, just so we can salam. No eye contact, because I'm so derhaka... 

I love you, and thank you. We will always be family, no matter what. Hope you're happy with your empire, but I'm just fine down here, looking up to you. I also just hope that you'll forgive me one day. I'm tapping out.

Mak Turut

 Everybody knows.

My father was one of the greatest filmmakers in the industry in Malaysia. (not bragging)

I only got to witness him in stardom as his "struggling" artist phase was far before I was born.

I was brought up in the shadow of a glamorous lifestyle. Celebrities and known artists came to our house, I spent time at the filming location and practically grew up surrounded by film crews and stars. I was also around watching and listening in during meetings and script readings. 

But, I didn't absorb much of my father's creative flame and love for new discoveries. I shy away, hoping someone noticed me, wishing I could be in that world, but I often shy away. ruginya lahai...

I dare to say, I have many creative skills, and I often learn quickly on the go. But I feel that's my limit.

a FATHER, who's well known, and well versed in the creative world, only to have a DAUGHTER who's just an executor. I can only realize what visions others have, but hardly my own. Even if I have, it's hardly significant.

Alas, I married also to a man, so talented and well respected in the Design world, and again, I execute...

Is it that bad? No. Then why? I dunno... With all the expectations from people around me since young, I feel like I let them down. I'm in my mid-30s and have yet to have my name in the media about my accomplishments. Was it a target in the first place? No, but...

Until now, I'm a great nothing. I'm good at things, but not great.

Hahaha... I feel like I'm just complaining. I'm actually am.

What's Happening with Change?

    I'm changing... spiritually, and religiously. And I'm thankful from the bottom of my heart that Allah gave me the chance to repent and start praying. At the old age of 34, since last Ramadan, I started praying. Took the advantage of Syaitan tied up in Jahannam, not tempting to stray me away.

    I listened more to Mufti Menk. Actually, it started with him. His TikTok video crossed my feed, saying, Allah loves me, no matter how much I wasted my youth, what I've done. Do what we need to do to deserve that love. Just having that video crosses my life, is proof that Allah still opening his arms, beaconing me to return to the right path.

    So I start with the very basics. 5 times a day. It was difficult, but the phrase, no matter what we did, as long as we pray 5 times, we'll die a Muslim, because that is our pillar. I did as much as I could. Every time I felt too lazy to pray, I feared that I may die suddenly that very day, such a waste to lose to laziness.

This post is not about preaching, btw. It's about change.

    I often thought about my life, my very being just 5 years ago, 10 years ago even, almost nothing of that time remained on my being. There was a time when I felt dependent, lost of identity, anxious, and slipping out the essence of myself. But after some pondering time, I thought, maybe it's for the better. I am not ALL gone, but I kept what mattered to me most, my optimism, my love for family, and my friendships with the few people who are still around. I Marie Kondo myself, safe to say.

    If I insist on keeping useless things in my life, I might never reach enlightenment and peace. Sure, the lack of a job and loss of motivation to work kinda hit me in the brain, but I feel that it's not the worst thing. I found an abundance of time to raise my kids, and actually have time to be present. Also, I found myself asking, why am I missing prayers all the while I'm a SAHM? I don't have any deadlines to catch, and I'm in the most comfortable state, wearing home clothes, and no makeup. I can take wuduk anytime without touching up makeup, those kinds of small things (Comfort is my no1 priority).

    I wanna say I'm at peace, but I'm not, though I am halfway there. My children are still very young and I'm still very dependent on hubster. But, the kids are growing and soon (Like very soon) they'll be out of home most hours of the day due to school and I'll be freelancing as my husband insists I do (I am quite free by then, hubby also says it's a waste of my creative talent and degree if I just laze around XD), So, I'll be up and busy too soon ;p

Eldest Daughter

 I live a normal harmonious life with my loving husband and 2 wonderful blessings of boys, and hope it maintains this way.

But somewhere deep inside, I get anxious whenever I hear my husband raised his voice to our kids, not even scolding them at times, but simply calling them in a stern voice, or when he comes home from work, and he’s right at the door, I often scamper about, fake busying or hide in the room, unconciously. It doesn’t matter if i just got time to rest and lay about in my already cleaned home, I instinctivly do this. Mind you, my husband couldn’t careless what I do, as long as the house is still in one piece.

Why I do this, is often out of fear that he’d scold me for lazing about, or degrade me that I’m useless, which NEVER happens.

I’m sorry to say, but growing up, this was what I had to endure, because I’m the eldest and has to bear the responsibility of setting good example or whatever. I can never get caught lounging around or risk getting scolded for reasons I cannot comprehend. I was shouted at as lazy for taking short breaks after helping guests on raya, infront of people. Even after I’ve done with chores, they called me because they thought I’ve haven’t done, but found out that I had, but didn’t want to admit that they were wrong, they made me do it again. My door knob would get turned around because I locked myself in the room too much, and family members would just barge in my room whenever they pleased, and sometimes, my young siblings would play pranks and locked me in my room. No privacy but apparently I myself to blame, but when my brother did it, locking himself in his room for hours, it’s ok, because he’s a guy, and needs privacy. 

I’m not bashing my parents’ parenting skills, coz no person in the world are perfect. But never once I was apologized to even when they’ve misunderstood me or done me wrong, because “Parent must never apologize to children first”. It’s a real quote I was told to.

My siblings get away with alot of things, they could rebel, play jokes with them and just do as they with little to no consequenses. It’s unfair, but I was brought up timid and scared of disapprovals and discontentment. 

So now, whenever I hear my husband raised voice, I would get up and do unnessesary things, and when I snapped out of it, I cried in my heart, asking, why am I doing this?. There’s so many times, whenever I hear my husband foot steps, I had to stiffen myself to stay put and not panic, and nothing would happen obviously. He would just come for favours or snuggles. But there are other times when I unconsiously just ran I hide, then sadly laughed at myself for looking like a fool.

My parenting isn’t perfect, but I’m happy that my kids can still carefreely come up to their parents, asking or telling trivial things. I’m snappy and abit of a tigermom, but it’ll break my heart if my kids would ever try to hide from their parents out of fear or judgement.

Being strict and rightful is nessesary in parenting, but never in the expense of the children’s mental health.

Going Mental

There was a time, not too long ago during this pandemic, I felt tired mentally and physically. I didn't rest well and nothing seems to get done. There were always things to do. A forever loop.

The worst was that all these happening, and I felt suicidal. Not out of sadness, but out of spite. The thought of me dead, making my husband feeling that he should've appreciated me more when I'm alive, grew stronger and more sinister. But, with religion in me, I knew that isn't the right thing, so obviously I wouldn't do it, but still, just having the thought of it isn't healthy.

I lowkey reached out for help by tweeting about it, in the hope someone will reach out to me with a solution. Twitter is the only social media I have that I pour out my feelings since it's quite discreet from a lot of I know, other than this blog.

Someone did reach out and gave me a contact to a therapist. It's good that we've come to an age that mental health awareness is a norm and not seen as problematic. Everybody has problems they want to address. So, I made a call to set up an appointment, but the therapist wanted to know what she's getting into and what's my current situation.

She mentioned that this had something to do with my recent birth (postpartum depression) and current pandemic lockdown. There's just no space for me to ease my mind. Along with the conversation, I cried uncontrollably. I couldn't hide it. My husband saw me crying, then.

After the call, he demanded to know what's going on. It took me time and guts to express my deep emotions. He was shocked and angry. How dare I tell this all to a stranger?? He felt ashamed and that our marriage is broken. I didn't mean it that way but it could be that if I don't seek help now. He still frets about how could I talk to strangers about this rather than directly to him. I said, frankly, it has been too many times he just shove my feelings aside and said I overreacted. I rather talk to a professional stranger that can assess my situation, rather than talk to the person affected with uncontrolled emotions. To that, we WISELY agreed.

Before our appointment came, the CMCO started and cross-district isn't allowed. So, the appointment was canceled instead of rescheduled because Allah knows when this is going to end. I was still determined to get to the appointment until I was the changes in the household, well my husband, at least. He seemed much more understanding and helps around without being asked or delay too long, which is nice.

The changes he made, made all the nonsense thoughts of spite and suicide gone. I'm more appreciative and felt loved. He even gave me a me-time the other day, walk and dine in at a mall with my bestie.

What I'm trying to convey here is, get help when help is needed. 'Fraid not of judgment and anger, because YOU MATTER. Try to solve problems with the right people. Address and assess because, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people that need you ALIVE.

Am I Lazy or Burnt Out?

 Of late, my house is almost never as clean and tidy as it used to. Understood, with 2 kids, that seems like an impossible task (toys EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME).

But the matter got worst when I myself am very tired and burnt out all the time. This MCO really got the heck out of me. I cannot escape the house, kids, husband, work, and of course, clutter.

I should be grateful that during this trying pandemic, I'm blessed with a roof over my head, warm food on the table, and a loving family around me, but not being able to even have a short escape to be with myself, really taken a toll on my mental health. 

Every day, even before the day starts, I've already felt dreaded and tired. I wake up right before my time for work, even when the kids woke up hours before. It's a good thing, I managed their room so they have their own safe space to play, but they'd eventually come to me for breakfast. Hubby recently took up the role, and help the kids with what they need in the morning, milk, food, iPad, diaper change, and tried his best not the bother me. He even went out for a breakfast run and came back home with nasi lemak occasionally. Thank you, love.

But men being men, there's a lot of things that they don't understand about household duties, and of course, I have to do my part of keeping the house in check. Even though we're both working, he's still the breadwinner, and being the low-income person in the house, I took priority of taking care of the rest other than my work. I mean, the kids are still so young. One of us needs to step up for them. Maternal instinct I supposed.

Even so, I find myself neglecting everything and everyone, what we didn't need before, we need now, like a monthly house cleaner. I keep delaying chores, leaving both dirty and clean laundry, and only does them when they have piled up. I'm talking 2 weeks' worth! I also started to leave floor spots where if it is difficult to vacuum or wipe, I'd just leave it, especially under the bed and stove. Imagine the dust. I sometimes would leave the garbage pile up until flies and maggots starts to infest. Of course, when that happens, I would go and throw out the garbage before it affects our other foods. Every night after dinner, I would clean the house before we settle down, meaning clean kitchen, empty sink, cleared dining table, and uncluttered living room, but now, I wouldn't even bother to do it all and just sleep.

I did try to play games to relax. I play Genshin Impact almost every night, but lately, I just wanna scroll TikTok and I don't even watch them. Just empty gaze.

Also, I love my job. Been out of the work industry for 3 years, of course, I'm happy with my job. I was so happy when I have a 2nd life at the office, other than being a mom/wife. Adults having expectations and rely on me for work, it's nice. Even when the MCO started last year, I was still ok, vibing being a Work From Home Mom, having a laugh. But now, I don't feel it anymore. Managing the family and catching deadlines really drained my time and creative juice. I don't even have the mood to do my hobbies. Just day in day out routine over and over again, every day. Even the weekends feel empty. I've run out of initiatives. I'm just tired of everything.

I know what I should do if this happens, but because of this stupid pandemic, I can't. The simplest thing I could do was to spend the whole day out by myself, leaving kids with hubby at home. Not even meeting friends, just by myself. Watch a movie or hang at a cafe or when to a random event somewhere. The best is to go for a vacation, where even if the place is cluttered, I wouldn't even care.. not my house ma... a change of environment la, loosely speaking.

So, am I just lazy and making up excuses to not do stuff or any I actually burnt out?

Young Love

 Frankly,

When I was a young high schooler, I wasn't really interested in love. Sure, I have few crushes here and there, but even with my 1st boyfriend, I wasn't really into it.

I was always that otaku girl, reading comics and loving anime, and into collecting toys. Eventho, the comic genre I was into was school-love, I can't really shift that into reality.

The topic came up as I was scrolling TikTok and watched few vids of people's heartbreaking experiences in young love, typically between 14 to 18. It got me thinking how unappreciative of me to miss out on this, but I'm not sorry.

Other than my relationship with my husband, all my relationships rarely pass the 3rd month, and the problem was always me. I didn't cheat, I didn't like anybody else, I just lose interest in committing the relationship. It was all weird and fluffy in the beginning, then it turns into a routine, and so many rules and clinginess. It was boring that I have to entertain someone just because.

I think part of it is because I was an introvert, and I like my time alone. I'm not the gloomy, depressing indoor hermit type, it's just that 60 to 70% of my day, I like to indulge myself in my own little corner undisturbed. I love daydreaming and drawing, but I needed to sacrifice some of my personal time to date, love, and be a girlfriend when there's a relationship.

I was already crushing on my husband back before we were an item, but never to sacrifice my personal time, but with him, I didn't need to, instead, we SHARE interest. I was able to merge my world together with his, instead of dividing.

The point is, every time I watch or listen to stories of young high school love, I feel left out and a little bit of me regretted it. I wish to go back to the past and tweak some tiny episodes, just so that I would have some stories to reminisce. 

COVID-19 and I

 END OF MAY 2021

Mika's school headteacher informed us that one of the teachers was POSITIVE COVID-19, so on that very same day, I rushed my whole family to the nearest COVID-19 test station and get our PCR test checked. We were told that results would come after 24hrs.

It wasn't even 24hrs yet when I got an email with the test results. I was concerned as it was only Mika's results that had arrived 1st for the first half-hour.

Mika was tested POSITIVE COVID-19.

I was devastated, panicked, and heartbroken. My baby was in danger and I cannot be near him, as Aqil still needs me. After a short discussion with hubby that night, we've decided that he would be the one taking care of Mika, while I keep my distance from him for his baby brother's sake. Only Allah knows how terrifying all these were for us. The next night, Mika was down with fever in his sleep, a low fever. I applied my essential oils on him, cold meds, wet towels and observes him the whole night. He's fine and chirpy the next morning like nothing happened.

I notify the school VIA Whatsapp and a couple more of Mika's schoolmates informed the group of the same POSITIVE results. The headteacher took responsibility to call the authorities for us, so nobody gets left behind, as most of us have no idea how to proceed with this. We were soon known as a school cluster in the news.

Soon the PKD called us to get diagnosed and swabbed again, and to received our pink quarantine bands. We were asked we had any symptoms and if we need to get admitted to the hospital or quarantine center. I prayed that Mika wouldn't get sent to the CAC alone since he's the only one POSITIVE, but with further questions and diagnosis, he was allowed to be quarantined at home.

Mika was isolated inside his room. Food and Ipad all, but it took him 3 days to get bored of it all. He felt lonely, and repeatedly requests for hugs. It was painful for us to endure this.

Not long after all this commotion, I started to notice something lacking. I wasn't as alert and was always tired. My 2nd swab test from the PKD came out negative, but it seems like something wasn't right. One night, I made salmon dinner but I couldn't taste it. I couldn't smell it. A whole whiff of nothing, even when the newly cooked fish was under my nose.

Hubby, Aqil, and I were on our 3rd swab test. Soon after, I had a call, saying that MY TEST CAME OUT POSITIVE. I lost my taste and smell. I felt ill and was down with chills and fever. I was tired and aching. Nothing was right. But, one thing I was happy about, I get hug my baby Mika.

Our quarantine was extended and it was a tiring journey of avoiding my baby and husband and keeping minimal contact with anything so we don't contaminate anything. On the bright side, I don't feel as sick and the ill-feeling all happened for only 1 night. Also, I got to rest from doing house chores, but I still have to work, since being quarantined was so boring, and I had nothing to do.

Our friends and family all reached out to us, extending their concerns, and sent us food and gifts. It was really a touching moment, especially from my grandma, who sent us a bundle of kitchen essentials, like a bag of rice, cooking oil, snacks, frozen food, fruits, and toys! TWICE! I LOVE YOU LAHHH, NENEK BONDA!!

After almost 4 weeks of home isolation, we went out to cut our pink band. Only Mika and I contracted COVID-19 and we were lucky to only get minimal symptoms, so now we're temporarily immune for the next 3 months, or so they say. Even after all this, we still only stayed home and only go out for essential things. Only Allah knows how scared we were when we got it, and we were lucky to lose only taste and smell, cause we wouldn't know if we'd get this lucky next time.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

 My company CEO posted his childhood story about how his relative asked the "million RM" question,

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

This brings me way back to 1995 when I was 7 and teachers gave us a survey about our ambitions. As a self-evaluated dyslexia child (because back in the 90s, dyslexia was hardly known, and I was just a lazy slow kid), this confused me a lot. I can't even decide what I want the next day, let alone 20 years in the future.

One of the great-known abilities I have was drawing, I love to draw like any normal child would. Most of us learn to draw first before we write. So, I thought, yes, I think I'm destined to draw, I mean, I can't be a doctor or an astronaut? I liked to draw. So, a Draw-er it is (the actual word is actual Pelukis.. sebab saya suka melukis...).

Now, this is when it all started. I've decided I wanted to draw, but I also started to doubt myself, can I actually be a good one? I'm too stupid and slow. But what's written on that survey, surely it'll be in the government system. I cannot turn back and change (Thoughts of a 7yo child). I was anxious. 

Then, relatives started to ask about my ambitions. The more I tell them I wanted to become a Pelukis, the more anxious I get. Now, I HAVE to be this person. I HAVE to be a Pelukis. oh man.

I changed school a lot during my primary school years, so I don't really have good friends to talk to about this matter. That is until I found my first besties when I was 11. Only then I knew, that the survey doesn't matter, it's just a survey.

What I'm trying to convey is, while asking a child's ambition might be good for their focus, adults need to explain that it really doesn't matter what they want to be when they grow up, whether they want to focus on what they want to be their whole life, or they can decide to change later on. Imagining back the anxiety I got from thinking that I'm stuck to one thing and one thing only my whole life and all because of a survey that was compulsory to fill by a 7yo.

Now that I'm an adult and a mother, I make sure I remember my childhood day and avoid everything that gave me anxiety before from my kids. I made sure that Mika and Aqil know that they can be whatever they want to be (all good career lah, takkan penyamun pun ibu nk support?), whether it's an astronaut, a car racer, a construction vehicle driver, anything, and NOBODY can stop him from achieving them. I'm sure he will know what his ambitions are, and his parents will be proud nonetheless.

Not ADHD, but maybe

 Situation: working on laptop

"URGH.. my back hurts"

"Do I need to see a chiro or just book a massage?"

"How much does a chiro cost? Massage la cheaper..."

"Or I could just use my back pain as a testimony for my YL supplement I'm getting"

"hmm... how much commission am I getting this month..."

"Oh, Lily contacted me yest asking about a product"

"Speaking of Lily, Ayah didn't pick up my call last night. Maybe call him later lah"

"I hope he's doing ok... wish I can go visit him, but we're under quarantine now"

"what is casual contact means anyway?"

*googles*

"Oh, no need quarantine, but safer to just do it, ok..."

"Meaning food and groceries deliveries!"

"I should put that stool outside, so the riders and just put things on there and not just hang on my gate handle"

*strap stool outside to gate with zip tie*

"I need to buy more zip tie.. hmm.. does HappyFresh app goes to hardware store"

"Oh.. baby's formula finishing.. better buy using this app"

"oh, cleaners will be here Friday, I need to buy toilet washers"

"Think hubby still loves me, despite me not cleaning and cooking myself?"

"what? he married me.. he marries me to be his maid.."

"why cant he do the cleaning once in a while..."

"YEAH GIRL POWER! I WORK TOO YOU KNOW!!"

"Oh shit... my video's due today!!! 6pm alreadyyy!!"

Aqil

Mohamad Aqil Iskandar 

 

Aqil = Akal

Iskandar = Raja

Akal seorang Raja.

amin...

 

The only lady

 

know that I'm the only lady in the family.

*yes, there's 3 beds in the house, but we cramp all in one bed.*

Pandemic Birth

Woke up early for the day, to get ready for my weekly pregnancy check-up, with my back straining and my feet wobbly. As I sat down to pee, I notice a large amount of discharge fluid on my undies... hmm.. It doesn't smell much, and it's not pee.. maybe I'm just tired, coz sometimes, I get watery discharge coming out if I overwhelm myself.

Took a shower, listening to music, and got out to get dress, and there it is again.. watery discharge. Did a quick google and gasp...

"Cayang, let's go to the hospital."

"Why?" zzz(-.- )

"I think my water broke."

"Serious??" (o___o )

Since my baby passed his due date, our hospital bag was already packed up weeks prior. So now, we just get up and get going!

See, because it's the pandemic, a child below 12 isn't allowed to be in the hospital, so what my husband can do is to just drop me off at the gynae entrance and go home. It literally felt like he's dropping his kid off to college. LOL!

Before he went home, I had to get check if I'm really in labor. So, they had to check my dilation (Ya Allah, I hate this part), and I was only 2cm open, but my water did break, so I need to get ready for birth. Hubby went to pay the deposits, kiss my boys goodbye, and to pray for me since I have to be all alone now. I was really sad about not being able to be with my hubs at that time, but I have to be strong for my soon out-of-belly baby.

I settled down at my ward and change into the hosp gown. I felt fine at this time and was a little hungry. The doctor came and told me that they'll come and check my dilation again at noon. I ask if I'm giving birth today, and they predicted that I'll give birth in the evening. I was already imagining meeting my long awaited baby tonight. So, as I was nervously waiting for the time to come, I ate, made few calls, post IG stories, and call my boys at home. Around this time, I started to feel tiny tiny contractions. I could still laugh and smile at this time.

At noon, the doctor came and check my dilation again and said I'm ready to give birth now. I was wheeled to the labor room, where I was poked and pierced, and stuffed with an enema. All human dignity has gone down the drain, they even stuffed my urethra with a pipe and told me to pee. it was freaking weird!!! NEVER AGAIN!!

They asked me again and again if I wanted an epidural, and so many times I declined... until my contractions started to get stronger, and I got scared of losing energy and unable to care for my baby after the birth since I'm his only family with him right now. Also, because I got scared of being in pain alone without my hubby. Basically, I gave in and took the epidural.

After the epidural, I vcall my family again. Hubby was sending all the love and support he could give through the screen, and Mika being Mika lah.. so immersed with his toys, oblivious of what's going on. hahaha!

As contractions got stronger, I focus on embracing the pain. I remember all the advice my family and friends gave me, I sniff the essential oil that I rub on my tudung. The contraction got stronger and stronger, I felt like dying, literally. The pain was too much! I grabbed anybody's hand at that time to 'share' my pain.

Nurses and doctors came in and check my dilation, it was 8cm already, then asked if I feel like pushing. HECK YEAH, I WAS!! I pushed with all my might, trying to keep posture and compose. I try to experience every second of the birth, which I could with the help of the epidural. I kept on pushing, even when I felt it's too tight. I was already worried if my baby would suffocate if I push too late. I wanna go forward in time when I have my baby in my arms. I told myself, "just a little bit more, he'll be in my embrace. both calm and relieved." ONE. LAST. LONG. PUSH.

17 October 2020 | 5.46pm | 3.28kg 

A baby boy was born.

I gave out a long sigh of relief. They clean my baby a little and put him on my chest. He was blue, then pink, face and body all scrunched up, sobbing. All pain was gone, though, the doctor was busy pulling the placenta out, drain all amniotic fluid out, and scooping out coagulated blood, but I feel almost nothing, thanks to the epidural. They took back my son for measuring and cleaning up.

As they were stitching me up (1st-degree vaginal tearing), a few trainee doctors (men and women) came to watch the suturing, which was so awkward and funny. But it wasn't the time to get shy of men watching my vagina. It was torn and busted up. I threw my dignity so far since the 1st dilation check. I was just a subject matter. >.> I just lie there, legs wide open, looking at my baby on the UV ray table.

After the doctors were done, I was given milo and biscuit and was left alone to gain my energy again. I made a video call to my husband (who was worried sick, because I wasn't replying to his texts. DUHH.. tgh teran kot). He was obviously very happy. He wanted to come to the hospital to meet his new son, but I wasn't sure where he can leave Mika, since kids aren't allowed in.

Nurses came to help me get back to my ward to rest. They told me to be careful because the epidural is still in effect, which can make some part of me numb. I thought I feel fine, but the nurses insisted to support me, which luckily they did because as I started to stand up, my left leg gave up on me. I couldn't feel it!! There was no sensation to it! I laugh it out, and the nurses wanted to cry as they thought they could've dropped me. haha!

I was wheeled in bed back to the ward with my new baby in my arms. Hubby called, telling me he's on his way. I asked where's Mika, he left him at the neighbors' house. He insisted on coming! hahah!!

Hubby came and azan my child, bought food for the night. he was so happy with the birth. He praised me and thanked me, kissed me, then ignored me for the baby >.<.  He told me, I looked much better and energetic than my first birth. It's probably because I'd already known what to expect, also, there's the epidural again... He went home soon after.

That night, everything felt surreal, This morning, the baby was still in me, and not even 24hrs later, the baby was in my arm. 

I was discharged from the hospital the next afternoon after all the vital check-ups.

Now, we're a family of 4 ;)

Wild One (3)

 Here is one of few stories about my stranger danger experience, before I start diving into my current life long relationship with my hubby. In short, I was young, single, and very stupid, apparently.

Stranger 3

This time, I was crushing very very hard over my taken guy bestie, so I try to date other people so I can get over him. Fortunately for me, I was introduced to a senior from the architecture faculty, but our first encounter with each other wasn't pleasant. He thought I was clumsy and I thought he's snobbish. Like really. But as we hung out more (not on purpose), we slowly got attracted to each other.

So, one day, he invited me out on a date. Being 'clumsy' me, I said yes without even asking where we're going. I assumed we're going to the mall or something. So, the rule of our ever-so-strict campus is that a vehicle cannot have a girl and a guy in it together unless it's a group. So, I have to walk out of the campus myself, so he can pick me up outside, in what I assumed a car, without the guard catching us. Naughty naughty...

While waiting for him nervously, he came on his SUPERBIKE!! FYI, I was NOT comfortable riding a motorcycle, because I have big boobs and I'm scared of falling down. But, despite all that, I know that he loved his bike, and also, he's already here, and it was a hot afternoon, so waiting in the sun was already semi melting my make up. So, I just hopped on. He told me to hold his waist for safety, so, I literally did, holding at the side of his waist and try to avoid having my boobs rubbing on his back. I asked him where we're going, and his reply, "to my secret place, a place only I know". As sweet as that sound, I was already scared. I did not think this through.

While on our way to this place, he would occasionally pull my arms to hug his waist, having my boobs rubbing his back (I doubt that was his intention, but I really felt uncomfortable). He would also sometimes caress my hand during traffic light stops, like a loving caress. At that time, I wasn't sure what it meant. I was that naive.

So, then we arrived at this 'secret place' he claimed. It was a large hill by a Buddhist temple, in the middle of nowhere. I was already planning my escape in my head, but I really wanted to trust this sweet man. He pulled my hand and we entered a large dark cave. I prayed so hard that I don't get murdered and go missing because I didn't get to tell anybody where I was because I didn't know where we're going in the first place!

While all of these went through my head, we went through the cave, and there it was a beautiful hidden Chinese garden. The cave was actually a tunnel to this place. He then started to tell me that this was the special place that he found recently and wanted to come here with a special woman. I felt so guilty and touched at the same time. All the doubt I have on him melted away. We walked around the garden, and it was romantic. 

Of course, at the end of the day, I went and meet up my guy bestie, and told him about my day, and for obvious reasons, I got lectured again, about stranger danger, could get murdered and raped and dumped, and stuff. I agreed it was dangerous and reckless of me, but I'm glad the outcome was well. For a while, I forgot a little of my crush towards my guy bestie.

But all came crashing down when the biker guy forcefully asked for a kiss and I refused and he called me a coward after that. I was shocked and heartbroken, but also was grateful that I wasn't really in love with this guy, but I was gonna, thought...... meh.

p.s: guy bestie is my now hubby.

Wild One (2)

Here is one of few stories about my stranger danger experience, before I start diving into my current life long relationship with my hubby. In short, I was young, single, and very stupid, apparently.

Stranger 2

It was another one of our semester breaks, and I was crushing hard on one of my best friends on campus. We would talk on the phone for hours and enjoyed each other's company. But at that moment, he had a girlfriend, and I feel like a bitch for crushing and lowkey flirting another girl's boyfriend. 

So, while I was guilt-tripping myself, I received an unknown number in the middle of the night. I picked it up and there's this rando on the other end of the line, looking for someone I don't know. I told him that he had the wrong number, but the stopped me from hanging up and admitted that he actually just dialed a random number to get lucky. Because I felt bad earlier about the whole someone else's boyfriend thing, I thought, maybe I'll just give this guy a chance to chat with me on the phone. Who knows maybe it's fate?

As we chat, my first thought that he has a very macho voice, so, I was picturing how he must've looked like with that hunky voice. He was very attractive in my mind. We talked for hours, and honestly don't remember what about, because I was imagining his imaginary face with his voice.

It was almost 5am when he said he's running out of phone battery, but he didn't wanna lose me, so he asked where I live. I knew it's not a good idea to tell him where I live, so, I said maybe he can save my number and we can chat another time.

HAHA! NO! I WAS YOUNG, SINGLE AND VERY VERY STUPID, KAN??

He said his phone battery is running out, so, he invited me out. Of course, stupid idiotic me said ok, despite having strict parents and little money, no sense of logic in my brain! I really wanted to get over my best friend, and meet this macho voiced rando! So, I snuck out of my house ever so stealthily and waited so long for this guy to come to fetch me. There were a few fancy cars passed by, and each time, I hoped it was him. 

Then, came a loud junky car noise coming to my direction. I told myself, if that's him, I mustn't judge him by his pocket. That's not morally nice. But the car was really rundown and loud, also it stopped at where I was. I still had hopes on his looks. There is no way a macho voiced man, would look ugly (yes, I was shallow and judgy. I was young). Unfortunately, he wasn't pleasing to my eyes (forgive me for being like this before). Again, I told myself that I shouldn't judge someone based on their outer appearance. I'd still give him a chance. He invited me in the car so we can go somewhere else, but because I was already unattracted to him, I declined. He told me not to get scared, that he meant no harm, but I still said no. I said we can go hang out at a nearby 24hrs mamak restaurant, but I wanted to walk (see, ok la. still cautious la). He gave up persuading me to get in his car, so he parked and walked with me to the mamak.

I sat down, ordered drinks, and chatted for hours, but this time, I wasn't interested in the chat, not because I wasn't attracted anymore, but he was CONSTANTLY talking about 'if I were his girlfriend, he would do this and that for me'. It's like we're getting married tomorrow. I mean, even if you're attractive, that kind of talk is creepy and very annoying. We literally just met! I was already edging to run home and forget about this.

The sun was rising up, and I wanted to excuse myself, but he insisted that I hang longer and maybe meet a second time. I honestly don't remember how, but I declined politely, so he wouldn't stalk me in the future (I was stalked before).

When I arrived home, my maid and mom asked me where I've been (they were about to whoop my ass), so I told them, I went out for a morning walk around the pool area (you see, I was in my jogging attire, in case I get caught). When I get into my room, I texted my best friend to see if he's still awake. After receiving a text back, I gave him a call and told him about my night, and surely enough, I got lectured about stranger danger, how careless and reckless I was, and he said the only smart thing I did was NOT GETTING IN THAT GUY'S CAR! I could get raped and murdered! I mean, he's not wrong, but he was the cause of it at the same time, not that I told him that..........

I slept almost the whole day after that and woke up to multiple texts from that rando guy. I replied, and tried to make it as polite but clear as possible that I wasn't interested (again, not sure how I did that). I guess he tried a few times to persuade me, but he ended up leaving me alone.

There are a few other "wrong number" occasions I get, but every time, I avoided them just so I don't go through the whole ordeal again. 

p.s: Guy best friend is now hubby.

Wild One (1)

Here is one of few stories about my stranger danger experience, before I start diving into my current life long relationship with my hubby. In short, I was young, single, and very stupid, apparently.

STRANGER 1

It was a hot day during one of my diploma semester breaks. I was home alone, bored, and lazy to hang out with friends, so I decided to hit the pool.

It was noon, so the pool was basically empty. I love it when I have the whole pool to myself. Swam a few laps, and just sat down at a shallow and shaded part of the pool by myself.

I was just minding my business, bubbling and sinking half of my face underwater when I noticed a guy was swimming towards me. I didn't even realize when he got in. He asked if I was ok and I said yeah. He then laughed saying that he thought that I wanted to commit suicide in the pool and he didn't want the pool to be haunted (realizing that this is a VERY cheesy pickup line now).

We talked a little in the pool, and I thought he's very cute and has a great personality. He told me which unit he's living, and told me we should hang out. As great as that sound, of course, I declined. I mean, stranger danger, right? Haha!

We bumped into each other a few times more, chatted a little, had casual hangout by the pool sometimes, in a course of a few months. It was nothing serious, but I liked his company. One day, he invited me to hang at his place as he's having company over at his house and would love for me to come, as a neighbor. So, I was like, yeah ok. I thought it's safe if he's having friends around. He did invited me over a few other times before this. 

So, I went to his house, but odd thing is, there wasn't any shoes outside, no noise or an open door (anything that would indicate he has guest over). Eventhough, these are clear signs that I should not go in yet, I still went ahead and rang the doorbell, because, maybe I was just early.

He invited me in, and there was only him inside. I sat down nervously (and lowkey regretting, but I know he's a nice guy, so I try to chill) and offered a boxed drink (so, no worries about getting spiked drinks). There was a hint of a woman's touch in the decor, so I asked if he's living with somebody else. He then (AND ONLY THEN) told me about his girlfriend, who's JUST HAPPENED to be at Borneo for work. Great! Cute guy, taken and inviting another girl home with him. Or maybe he didn't take me as a woman at all, just a kid neighbour (I was 19 or 20 at that time). Whatever. I also asked if anybody else is coming, and he said no. I didn't ask anything else, I got scared. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, so I just said sure. And of course, of ALL the movie CDs (it was the late 2000s, of course la CDs!), he went ahead and picked Good Luck Chuck. Yes. A soft porn-ish movie. Look it up!

I was already so weirded up. Why is this happening to me?? I seriously don't remember anything after that other than we sat wide apart from each other during the movie, we chatted a lil (don't remember what about), and I went home.

I came back home, swore my sister into secrecy, and told her what just happened to me. Being a sister, she was mad that I got away with that, while she's being hounded by our parent just by hanging out with boy in broad daylight (coz she's rebellious like that). I was just so grateful that I'm alive, wasn't harmed or raped and still a 'good' girl.

We bumped into each other a few other times after that, even met his girlfriend (and she was hawtt!!). After a few months, I realized I haven't seen him around anymore, so I figured that maybe he moved,  and that's that.

Moving Forward

Oh, almost forgot to mention,

I found a new job after more than 2 years of being a SAHM.

Mika is getting older and the more that I notice that he's missing something. Same age interactions. I tried to bring him out and let him mingle at playgrounds and play centers. He seemed awkward but enjoys it very much. He also lacks proper interaction response, meaning he doesn't know how granted It has only been only me and him most of the day.

So, I decided, it's time for him to go to playschool. But to do that, I need a job too. You know, to pay for the school.

So after almost half a year of actively searching for a proper job, I finally found one at WOBB. The location is a little far from our current home, but transportation wise, very convenient, plus there's a Montessori school very close by.

So, I got the job as a Video Editor, the company has been great, people are so friendly and accepting. I never had a company culture so proper and true. All this while my work has been the strongest survive (in both filming and event company).

Topet has never been happier that I finally got into the proper company system. He could relate so much with me now, even more than just talking about parenting. Of course, we had to sacrifice somethings, like unlimited holidays and breaks, but there's so much more benefits than the latter.

So, in the end, I got a job and a 'break' from being a parent for a while (don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, but I was seriously losing my sense of self-identity), Mika improving in his social skills and Topet is happy that I'm helping with the household income (meaning more money for saving, holidays and nice things). 

New Little One

Alhamdulillah...

I'm going towards my 2nd trimester with our 2nd child.

Mika is turning 3 years old at the end of this month.

I must say, we plan this very well indeed...

3 years gap.. huhu..

Speaking of family planning,

It triggers me that I was once told that,

"I speak as if I'm Godless..

To do family planning is not to trust Allah's plans."

I believe that Allah understands his servants' life sustainability, lifestyle, and needs.

We also need to limit ourselves every day to cope with living life in the city.

It's different compared to before.

People gave birth to many so, their kids can help them with work at a ripe age of 6.

We don't do that anymore nowadays.

We provide them until they're 18, sometimes even more.

From education, home, sustenance, protection, and affection.

It's a different age now,

So, we need to live in the current era.

"I trust that rezeki comes from Allah.

But, I also trust that we need to use our mind to limit ourselves"

In syaa Allah

"Ikat lah unta dan berserah la kepada Allah"